How dare we tell other countries how to deal with their citizens? How dare we claim to be special, godly, and stamp ourselves as leaders of the free world? Free to do what? Kill each other? Is it my imagination or is there a mass killing every week, seemingly every day with some kind of an assault rifle?
Two hours after the Uvalde, Texas execution of grade school children and their teachers, instead of talking basketball in the setting of prime-time play-offs, Golden State Warrior coach Steve Kerr valiantly found fault with his nation –
“Eighty-five miles from here, fourteen children, maybe more, lost their lives today … and there are fifty senators who would rather hold onto power than do something about this”, pleaded Kerr, referring to the Mitch McConnell Republicans and their Faustian bargain with the N.R.A..
Kerr has bona fide credentials when it comes to mass murder. In 1984 as president of American University in Lebanon, his father was among those assassinated in a political attack leaving a grieving son behind to personally deal with gun violence.
Here are my thoughts … when Governor Abbott of Texas first reported that a handgun was used, I thought to myself, that would be interesting – a mass shooter who could look each person in the eye when he shot his victim, bullet by bullet.
In this very weird and uniquely American way, mass killings and the cowardly use of assault rifles aren’t usually personal when it comes to the victims. Most likely, the executioner (almost always a he) isn’t executing these victims he doesn’t know, he’s executing the world around him, he’s executing the rest of us.
Then we hear McConnell and others say it’s not the gun, it’s the person. Sure Mitch, except for the fact that 30% of America is depressed. Or over-medicated. Or bipolar. Probably way more than 30%. Is that the Russian roulette we’re willing to play?
So where does that leave us? This week in America, nineteen children and their teachers were executed with an assault rifle, and on the same day, the Russians massively bombed eastern Ukraine and eight people were killed, twelve were injured.
Please tell me, what is the difference between bombs and assault rifles? Don’t they both employ the same ole’ ‘no one looking anyone in the eye’ kind of cowardly murder? And what’s the next step when it comes to weapons available to eighteen-year-olds? Will it all wind up in the lap of the Supreme Court?
And what will these supposed highly intelligent protectors of an 18th century Constitution that protected the right to use muskets, what will they do when some Marjorie Taylor Greene lunatic proposes upping the ante with the right to bear bombs?
You know, so we can all protect ourselves from the evils of government. Isn’t that why every citizen needs all of that firepower? I wonder what Clarence Thomas would say?
In a world that exists with so much to give, yet considers taking as the smarter play, the ’21-’22 season of The Lemonade Stand concludes with the presentation of its initial La La Award. Three more summer editions will be issued on Jun 15, Jul 15, and Aug 15 … at that point, we will decide if we will engage in a ’22-’23 season.
The La La Lemon is a comic relief award that reflects the need for our culture to laugh at itself. Few comedians exemplify this ability better than Larry David who first came to our attention writing for Seinfeld, and in that series, was the prototype for the George Costanza character.
Finding a home in the self-important world of progressive America, David’s current HBO series, Curb Your Enthusiasm, is now in its eleventh season as it showcases Larry’s disappointment in almost everyone he knows, as well as his general inability to co-exist in a world that often cuts in line.
Have a great summer – Hermione
Larry’s Rules
The First Annual Lemonade Comic Relief Award
The La La
April 17, 2022
To Larry David’s agent:
On behalf of The Lemonade Stand, a blog with more than one hundred followers including pets, we are honored to inform Mr. David that he is the recipient of the very first annual Lemonade Comic Relief Award, the soon-coveted La La.
The name La La was inspired by the character of L.A. Larry in Curb Your Enthusiasm, a man who somehow balances himself awkwardly on that thin line between sincere confrontation and being totally insulting.
In a time of pandemic, Curb has provided comic relief to so many with its quirky skinny walk into the kvetching world of a successful L.A. Larry as opposed to the despairing world of an aimless N.Y. George. Mr. David’s awards include
A La La Lemon Statuette – if undesired, bought back for $10.95.
A Lemonade Book – crypto worth >$65,411 or a pet rock
We’d love to have a ceremony with an acceptance speech from Mr. David, and we ask that his speech be no longer than two to five minutes, please. Our ceremony guidelines include no crying or slapping anyone in the face. We look forward to his response.
Hermione Luck /publisher
*** ENTERTAINERLARRY DAVID THREATENS TO SUE THE LEMONADE STAND ***
Certified letter from Larry Davidreceived 4/26/2022
To whomever and whatever lemon is on duty:
I understand that I’m supposed to be flattered by this Comic Relief Award, which has about the same impact on me as the time I was told “you’re handsome” by a drunk person at the Santa Monica Pier, who then asked me if I’d pick him up off the ground.
Flattery is getting an Oscar maybe, or perhaps an Emmy or a Yiddy (the Yiddish Tony), but a Lemon? Let me make it clear to whoever is in charge at your Lemonade Stand – I shall not, I do not want your award. Nor do I want some La La trophy to be named after me in perpetuity. I have contacted my lawyers to proceed with serious litigation if you do not cease and desist – Larry David
*** Lemonade reply to Larry David // 5/1/2022 ***
Dear Mr. David,
On behalf of the entire Lemonade staff and our many readers, we find ourselves disappointed that you consider our award to be insulting. Although we’d prefer a more personal presentation to you at a time and place of your choice, we also have no problem with someone receiving your award in absentia. Like maybe fellow Curb co-stars Ted Danson or JB Smoove.
May we assure you, we are not looking for publicity. If none of this is satisfactory, we will be happy to mail the La La and the original Lemonade book.
Hermione Luck
*** Larry David reply // 5/10/2022 ***
Lemonade People –
Tell me, what am I supposed to do with a trophy of a lemon? And you want me to give a two-to-five-minute acceptance speech? I’d rather have my fingernails removed and pasted to my forehead.
What kind of farkakte name is L.A. Larry anyway? It makes me sound like a pimp or a used car salesman. Actually, I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be a pimp, I think I’d make a very good pimp, but a used car salesman is insulting.
I mean, didn’t we have enough of the La La concept a few years ago and take their Oscar back? You Lemonade people are behind the curve – giving a La La award, it’s like crypto, it’ll never go far. And forget about Ted Danson or JB. They have absolutely no interest or time unless you include strippers – Larry David
*** Lemonade reply // 5/12/2022 ***
Dear Mr. David,
We get it about Ted Danson and JB Smoove. Again, we’re not looking for publicity, we just want to present our award. Look, Larry, we know where you live … one way or another, you’re getting the fu#king lemon.
There is also a consistent rumor going around La La Land that one of your producers wants to use this award and lawsuit as content for a new Curb episode. We will not stand in your way.
The Lemonade People
Dexter King
Lemonade Entertainment Critic
We at Lemonade do hope that Larry David will change his mind and accept our very first La La, and that his speech reflects the faith that so many of us have in him.
We don’t want to put too much pressure on Mr. David, but if indeed he accepts the Lemon, we’d like to inspire his speech by also announcing that this year we are awarding a posthumous La La for the best acceptance speech ever given at the Academy Awards … to another Larry.
founder of M.I.L.D.E.W. Men with Intimacy and Learning Disorders Experiencing Women
An interesting discussion transpired at our most recent MILDEW meeting about Will Smith and his behavior at the Oscars – one of our regulars, Rico, started the ball rolling by saying “That was a girl slap.” Rico owns an Italian meat store near our house and always gives us a discount so I listen to whatever he says.
“It was absolutely no balls the way I see it,” Rico claimed. “I mean if that’s my wife, you all know my wife Anastasia – need I say more? – and she looks over at me and gives me the stink eye, you know where she’s lookin’ at me like do I want to ever eat dinner again, I’m going up there and take the guy out, that’s what I’d do. The dude was a wimp with that slap.”
First of all, I’m pretty sure nobody in group watched the actual academy awards, unless maybe ESPN was blacked out. I assume some of them probably saw news clips or listened to conversation at lunch. Yet all of them seemed to know what happened and were determined to have an opinion, which I have to say is unusual for our group.
“I’d go further. I’d cut off his particulars.” This was Alan talking in Alan code that at five foot one and a half since he was eleven, he was a fierce warrior and he’d cut off Chris Rock’s balls. Alan was famous in group for standing up for the woman he loved even though he’s never dated.
That is when JuJu who’s been in the group for two years asked Alan, “What you gonna do with those balls? I mean, if you ever go crazy, and most of us think you already crazy Alan, you got a pair of balls, they hot, and now what you gonna do with ‘em? Believe me, I could sell ‘em in two seconds.” JuJu is an aspiring entrepreneur.
One of the quieter voices in the group, Barney, had this to say – “I don’t know … security asked Will Smith to leave after the incident, and he didn’t. What does he think, that’s he’s Putin or something?” That’s as close as we came to talking about Ukraine. Discuss the slap or Ukraine, only in America.
Everyone that night seemed to have a strong opinion. Me? What do I think? I mean Will Smith knows that Chris Rock is a comedian, right? This wasn’t malicious gossip or anything, more a comedian flirting with the edge. Isn’t that what they do? And speaking of doing something, Jaden Smith twitted “That’s the way we do it.” I’m not sure, but that doesn’t seem to come under the category of great parenting.
There were thirteen of us Wednesday night, and I’d say all in all, although there were comments about how much crapola black women have put up with, most of us leaned towards the comedian’s questionable taste and Will Smith’s undeniable guilt. There was also a point of view that no one had seemed to consider … of course, it had to be Lorenzo.
Lorenzo is gay who’s been coming to MILDEW for two months now. He’s from Waco, Texas, and to be honest I’ve always been afraid of people from Waco, Texas … for one, when I was a kid, my family loved to pronounce it Wacko, as if we were lucky not to be living there. And secondly, well, Texas appears to be a few marbles short in the human rights department.
So at the end of the group, after our therapist made each of us define the word masculinity, Lorenzo tells us before we got up to leave, “The way I see it, you have the wrong villain my friends. In my book, Chris Rock is a mere player, a minstrel perhaps, a clown, a clown in a Shakespearean drama.
“And Will Smith plays the role of the classic dupe, the husband trying to prove himself even though it’s too late. His wife already had ‘an entanglement’ as she called it with one of her son’s friends. The man has been reduced in size for a long time now. The way I see it, it was the diva who pulled the strings in this drama.”
Arnie yelled out, I love Arnie, “What the fu*k does that all mean, Lorenzo?” Lorenzo stood up and started to put on his coat.
“It means, Arnie, that the man we saw stalk the stage was simply a weak man trying to prove himself. I have a friend in Hollywood, a producer who has stories about a lot of people, especially the divas, like Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Lopez. Apparently, Kardashian is very professional and easy to work with, Lopez walks around with a stick up her ass, but Pinkett-Smith is downright scary – cold, calculating, obsessively ambitious, and chronically dismissive.”
Lorenzo summed it up this way – “What he did, Will Smith, what he did was wrong. More than wrong, so much was wrong – not leaving when asked to leave, taking the spotlight away from so many, using his acceptance speech to try to exonerate himself, all of it. It was Trumpian.
“But whatever your opinion, my fellow Mildew men, consider that Mr. Smith is already serving his sentence. Just pause and be glad you don’t live on Planet Jada.” Lorenzo buttoned up his coat and ended with his signature smile and “Meow.”
Lorenzo may be right, but I’m a simple man and I do best with simple answers. Did Will Smith hit Chris Rock or did Jada? Would this all be a different story if Jada got up and slapped the comedian? All I know is this – it’s Hollywood, so who knows what really goes on, what’s real, what’s fake? I’m so glad I can just go home and shut the door – kRIS
Amy Lighthouse is a self-described over-achiever, who worked at Snapchat and Apple before going into venture capital. During the initial Covid onslaught, she wrote for The Lemonade Stand offering strategies of how to cope with quarantine and staying in. Her recipes and cable television suggestions have boosted the spirits of numerous households who credit Amy with keeping a number of families from harming each other.
Eggplant Parmesan
PREP TIME. 1 hour
COOK TIME. 2 hours
SERVES 6
Ingredients and grocery list
Eggplant
3 pounds eggplant (Choose the large variety. Make sure they are firm and smooth. Also, choose male eggplants. They have fewer seeds and have a rounder, smoother bottom)
1 cup flour
salt
generous amounts of olive oil
1 cup grated parmigiano-reggiano
1/2 pound buffalo-milk mozzarella (if the balls are small, get two)
Sauce
2 28 ounces cans of San Marzano (any brand is fine) canned whole peeled tomatoes (add another can if you want extra sauce left over)
3 cloves garlic, thinly sliced
enough olive oil to cover the pan
Directions
Peel the eggplant and slice long ways into 1/4 inch slices. Sprinkle each layer with salt and place into a colander, overlapping and salting as you go. Each slice should be salted. After you fill the colander, place a plate on top and weight it with a heavy pan or a tea kettle filled with water. Let the eggplant sweat for 30 minutes or more.
While the eggplant sweats, make the sauce.
Cover the bottom of a sauce pan with olive oil and heat over medium high heat. Add the sliced garlic and let it cook until is sizzles (do not brown the garlic).
Add the canned whole tomatoes and their juice and salt.
Stir and chop coarsely using a potato masher or two knives chopping crossways. Lower the heat and simmeruntil reduced by almost half.
Remove the eggplant from the colander and thoroughly pat dry each slice.
Heat the oven to 450 degrees. Cover the bottom of a baking sheet or two with olive oil.
Dredge the eggplant slices in flour, shaking off any excess. Place on the baking sheets and drizzle the each slice with olive oil. Bake until brown on one side (about 15 minutes or so) and tun over and brown the other side. Repeat until you have cooked all the eggplant.
Using a 7×11 baking dish (I like ceramic or earthenware, but you can use stainless steel as well), spread a thin layer of sauce on the bottom and layer the eggplant until it completely covers the bottom (it’s like a puzzle!).
Sprinkle generously with the grated parmigiano-reggiano. Add another layer of sauce and then the eggplant. Continue to build the layers until you are about two layers from the top, then add a single layer of sliced mozzarella. Finish with a couple more layers of eggplant, sauce, and parmesan. Finish the top with parmesan.
Bake on the upper third of a 400 degree oven. Check it after it’s been in the oven for 20 minutes. You may find that it throws off more liquid as it bakes. If so, press down on the eggplant and draw off any excess liquid. Cook for another 15 minutes or so. Let stand for a good 15 or 20 minutes before serving.
A girl I just met recently, Starr, wanted me to spend some time with her so we could get to know each other better. Now Polly, I’m no prude – I do things my mother would never allow, like dropping F-bombs and stuff like that.
Well, Starr tells me we should go out on the town and that we should go to Nail Me, which I thought was great cause I’d never been to a nail bar. I told her I had to be back by eleven. Unfortunately, she thought I meant 11 a.m..
I go with her, and there’s this dark hallway and all these doorways leading to dark rooms and each room has a really wide couch in the back, and some skinny long pole in the middle of the room. At first I thought this was fun, and I kept on looking for a fireman to shoot down that pole.
Then I began to realize something. It took me awhile, but I’m pretty sure that Nail Me is this sex kitten hangout or something (I don’t know what else to call it?) where people go to do things that are pretty embarrassing.
Polly, I’m convinced that strangers had sex on those couches and Starr and I sat down on like a gazillion couches for long stretches of time and Starr doesn’t seem worried at all. So I have to ask you – can I get pregnant, like from left-over sperm on the couch? Do sperm hibernate? What if I spilled water, do they come alive? Can they crawl up your leg? And now Starr wants to go to Nail Me again. What should I do? – Marjorie, Iowa
Dear Marjorie,
Starr is a hard name to live up to … her parents meant well. First of all, apparently you don’t get out of the house that much, but I can assure you that your unsuspecting eggs are safe. Although sperm are fast little buggers, their propellers aren’t nuclear, so in general, don’t feel at risk sitting on a couch.
As far as Starr is concerned, just be honest – tell her that you didn’t like Nail Me, that it clearly isn’t a nail bar, and that you probably shouldn’t hang out with her because places like that make you uncomfortable.
To tell you the truth, it sounds more like Starr just wants a wingman. However, before the two of you decide if you will go your separate ways, you might want to ask if she actually does know of a place where firemen do that pole thing.
– Polly
Dear Polly,
My two boys, ages nine and six named Ben and Jerry, have threatened to call their Social Services worker unless I immediately return to therapy to address my addiction to chocolate. I admit they found three cases of Malomars which I keep under my bed in case I have a panic attack … and yes, I do have two separate rooms in my house for my inventory, one for dark chocolate and one for milk.
But I’ve done everything the court has ordered – I don’t refer to either of my children as snacks anymore. I’ve changed my name back to Phyllis from Hershette. The truth is I love both Ben and Jerrys – both my children Ben and Jerry, and the ice cream Ben and Jerry. My fear is which Ben and Jerry do I love the most? I’m afraid that therapy might reveal a disappointing answer. – Phyllis, Massachusetts
Dear Phyllis,
Here are a few questions you might want to ask yourself as you come to terms with your condition. When you call for Ben and Jerry to come in from playing do you find yourself starting to salivate? What is it like when you put them to bed? Do you have an urge to bring a spoon? If so, these are serious problems that must be treated.
I’d suggest locating a nearby chapter of Chocoholics Anonymous … at the very least, it’s a step in the right direction, and believe me, I can assure you, it’s not a lost cause by any means. And just wondering – were the names Haagen and Daz ever in the running? – Polly
Born and raised in Homer, Alaska, a good friend went on to spend most of his life in Greece and has become a student of ancient Greek culture. We asked him to compare modern American Democracy withancient Greek Democracy.
Hermione –
Always good to hear from you.
I’m responding to your last letter where you asked if I would write a piece for your blog comparing the painfully bifurcated American version of Democracy to the visionary and ancient Greek adventure in the same arena.
To begin with, the democratic city-state conceived in 500 B.C. by Cleisthenes and a bunch of his homeboys, is interesting in that Greek Democracy lasted only two hundred years until approximately 325 B.C.
That’s right, the vaulted and cherished Greek Democracy now studied in awarded universities and born again wet on the lips of liberal children everywhere, lasted only two hundred years … more or less the current lifespan of Democracy in America.
What initially strikes me are the parallels in the unravelling of both efforts, although to be clear, I wouldn’t say that American Democracy is irreparably unravelling. May I simply suggest I’m a little more worried now than maybe I was five years ago, when fake news had not yet become a religion.
On the other hand, one glaring difference between the two is clear – early Greeks believed that functional government demanded the imperative to come to agreement short-term just to get things done. The debate long-term then continued regarding the collective and common good.
As far as American Democracy is concerned, let’s face it, long term or short term, the picture is so fractured even a pandemic couldn’t bring the American political landscape together. I’m sensing Ukraine seems to be different though, don’t you think? America seems to have a little more purpose these days. Once again Russia to the rescue, as freedom-loving Americans nestle into a common comfort zone of aligning against a bad player.
The interesting thing about the ancient Greek responsibility as a citizen was that even though participation (through debate) was obligatory, as time went on and a century or so passed, it got to a point where there was too much debate and too many clowns in the arena. Does this sound familiar to Americans?
So many Europeans have come to consider American political drama as a sad but true clown show culminating in a fumbling bad prince attempt by Donald Trump to create a monarchy.
And as in all monarchies real or feigned, the sycophants soon followed. Think Marjorie Taylor Green, Madison Cawthorn, Paul Gosar, and their merry little band of alt-right all night minstrels appearing on your national stage.
And so, as history suggests, these same clown in the arena rights were particularly dominant during the decline of Athens, which led to “the period of the demagogues”. Here is a good quote from the era.
“The popular Ekklesia (assembly) had evolved into a boisterous mob giving birth to a rise of demagoguery that captured long-festering Athenian political and social conflicts: the aristocrats vs the working-class; the privileged vs the less advantaged; legacy reputable families networked together vs The People.”
The two-tiered lower rung of Greek life, “The People”, were composed of the “chrestoi” (the useful, well-born citizens) and the “phauloi” (the simple people, lacking in politically influential friends). This latter Greek term gave rise to the expression ‘hoi polloi’, meaning plebs, riff raff, the chattering class. The would-be oligarchic elites thought the influence of the hoi polloi to be a result of “too much democracy”.
By the time Plato and Aristotle arrived on the scene (420-320BC), Athens was in major decline. Although this decline primarily stemmed from wars, mismanaged economy, and poor governance (politics), Aristotle was able to single out a primary failure of the political system as well – there were far too many voices of poor quality/poor education influencing decisions.
Therefore, Aristotle was in favor of muting what today would be called the Low Information Voter. In other words, experts aka the elites, and well-informed participatory citizens should be the only ones listened to or consulted.
(As a side note, the Greek word ‘ostracism’ was coined by the elite during Greek Democracy’s golden years, aimed directly at the hoi polloi. So like Mean Girls, it’s probably safe to say that “cancel culture” is nothing new on this planet.)
With all of that in mind, most likely, Aristotle would have approved of current Republican moves to limit the voting base. In fact, Aristotle suggested that perhaps some voters should be compensated with extra votes if they were deemed experts.
Hermione, I have to admit that sometimes I have dreams at night that Aristotle and Plato might have been scary far-right Republicans if they lived among us today … think the Koch brothers on steroids.
The similarities shared by these two democracies are interesting to people like me, but the most important comparison for your readers is to compare them in scale. The Greeks came to believe that a functional democracy could only thrive with a citizenry of a certain size which turned out to be surprisingly small and relatively homogeneous.
Most of the great ancient Greek thinkers eventually concluded that democracy in any form is first and foremost precarious, and can easily be over-weighted, both at the top and at the bottom.
They also noted that virtuous civic practices which brought the populace together are much easier to manage in smaller more traditional societies that have natural organic alignments of blood, language, religion, culture, and customs … which brings us to a currently politically charged word, ‘tribalism’. I so enjoy the ironies and oxymorons of politics.
So, that’s it, I’m done I promise … now that I read this whole thing over, I apologize for being so epic. I trust you’ll spruce this up for your blog, change some words, and hopefully reduce it in size.
On the lighter side, you also asked how we are doing these days. Things are mostly the same in Athens – everyone has a place to live and a welcoming community to be a part of. So many have rambunctious informed opinions lubed by long dinners and longer drinks. COVID restrictions have recently been relaxed which means instead of getting booted out of the taverna at midnight, dinner gatherings can now continue unabated usually until 2am or later.
Not that anyone is persuaded or anything important is resolved during these exchanges, but at least the convivial spirit thrives and the soul is nourished. I love it here.
Born and raised in Homer, Alaska, a good friend went on to spend most of his life in Greece and has become a student of ancient Greek culture. We asked him to compare modern American Democracy withancient Greek Democracy.
Hermione –
Always good to hear from you.
I’m responding to your last letter where you asked if I would write a piece for your blog comparing the painfully bifurcated American version of Democracy to the visionary and ancient Greek adventure in the same arena.
To begin with, the democratic city-state conceived in 500 B.C. by Cleisthenes and a bunch of his homeboys, is interesting in that Greek Democracy lasted only two hundred years until approximately 325 B.C.
That’s right, the vaulted and cherished Greek Democracy now studied in awarded universities and born again wet on the lips of liberal children everywhere, lasted only two hundred years … more or less the current lifespan of Democracy in America.
What initially strikes me are the parallels in the unravelling of both efforts, although to be clear, I wouldn’t say that American Democracy is irreparably unravelling. May I simply suggest I’m a little more worried now than maybe I was five years ago, when fake news had not yet become a religion.
On the other hand, one glaring difference between the two is clear – early Greeks believed that functional government demanded the imperative to come to agreement short-term just to get things done. The debate long-term then continued regarding the collective and common good.
As far as American Democracy is concerned, let’s face it, long term or short term, the picture is so fractured even a pandemic couldn’t bring the American political landscape together. I’m sensing Ukraine seems to be different though, don’t you think? America seems to have a little more purpose these days. Once again Russia to the rescue, as freedom-loving Americans nestle into a common comfort zone of aligning against a bad player.
The interesting thing about the ancient Greek responsibility as a citizen was that even though participation (through debate) was obligatory, as time went on and a century or so passed, it got to a point where there was too much debate and too many clowns in the arena. Does this sound familiar to Americans?
So many Europeans have come to consider American political drama as a sad but true clown show culminating in a fumbling bad prince attempt by Donald Trump to create a monarchy.
And as in all monarchies real or feigned, the sycophants soon followed. Think Marjorie Taylor Green, Madison Cawthorn, Paul Gosar, and their merry little band of alt-right all night minstrels appearing on your national stage.
And so, as history suggests, these same clown in the arena rights were particularly dominant during the decline of Athens, which led to “the period of the demagogues”. Here is a good quote from the era.
“The popular Ekklesia (assembly) had evolved into a boisterous mob giving birth to a rise of demagoguery that captured long-festering Athenian political and social conflicts: the aristocrats vs the working-class; the privileged vs the less advantaged; legacy reputable families networked together vs The People.”
The two-tiered lower rung of Greek life, “The People”, were composed of the “chrestoi” (the useful, well-born citizens) and the “phauloi” (the simple people, lacking in politically influential friends). This latter Greek term gave rise to the expression ‘hoi polloi’, meaning plebs, riff raff, the chattering class. The would-be oligarchic elites thought the influence of the hoi polloi to be a result of “too much democracy”.
By the time Plato and Aristotle arrived on the scene (420-320BC), Athens was in major decline. Although this decline primarily stemmed from wars, mismanaged economy, and poor governance (politics), Aristotle was able to single out a primary failure of the political system as well – there were far too many voices of poor quality/poor education influencing decisions.
Therefore, Aristotle was in favor of muting what today would be called the Low Information Voter. In other words, experts aka the elites, and well-informed participatory citizens should be the only ones listened to or consulted.
(As a side note, the Greek word ‘ostracism’ was coined by the elite during Greek Democracy’s golden years, aimed directly at the hoi polloi. So like Mean Girls, it’s probably safe to say that “cancel culture” is nothing new on this planet.)
With all of that in mind, most likely, Aristotle would have approved of current Republican moves to limit the voting base. In fact, Aristotle suggested that perhaps some voters should be compensated with extra votes if they were deemed experts.
Hermione, I have to admit that sometimes I have dreams at night that Aristotle and Plato might have been scary far-right Republicans if they lived among us today … think the Koch brothers on steroids.
The similarities shared by these two democracies are interesting to people like me, but the most important comparison for your readers is to compare them in scale. The Greeks came to believe that a functional democracy could only thrive with a citizenry of a certain size which turned out to be surprisingly small and relatively homogeneous.
Most of the great ancient Greek thinkers eventually concluded that democracy in any form is first and foremost precarious, and can easily be over-weighted, both at the top and at the bottom.
They also noted that virtuous civic practices which brought the populace together are much easier to manage in smaller more traditional societies that have natural organic alignments of blood, language, religion, culture, and customs … which brings us to a currently politically charged word, ‘tribalism’. I so enjoy the ironies and oxymorons of politics.
So, that’s it, I’m done I promise … now that I read this whole thing over, I apologize for being so epic. I trust you’ll spruce this up for your blog, change some words, and hopefully reduce it in size.
On the lighter side, you also asked how we are doing these days. Things are mostly the same in Athens – everyone has a place to live and a welcoming community to be a part of. So many have rambunctious informed opinions lubed by long dinners and longer drinks. COVID restrictions have recently been relaxed which means instead of getting booted out of the taverna at midnight, dinner gatherings can now continue unabated usually until 2am or later.
Not that anyone is persuaded or anything important is resolved during these exchanges, but at least the convivial spirit thrives and the soul is nourished. I love it here.
Homer the Gaucho
(my taverna name)
kRIS Krankle
founder of M.I.L.D.E.W. Men with Intimacy and Learning Disorders Experiencing Women
Will Smith
An interesting discussion transpired at our most recent MILDEW meeting about Will Smith and his behavior at the Oscars – one of our regulars, Rico, started the ball rolling by saying “That was a girl slap.” Rico owns an Italian meat store near our house and always gives us a discount so I listen to whatever he says.
“It was absolutely no balls the way I see it,” Rico claimed. “I mean if that’s my wife, you all know my wife Anastasia – need I say more? – and she looks over at me and gives me the stink eye, you know where she’s lookin’ at me like do I want to ever eat dinner again, I’m going up there and take the guy out, that’s what I’d do. The dude was a wimp with that slap.”
First of all, I’m pretty sure nobody in group watched the actual academy awards, unless maybe ESPN was blacked out. I assume some of them probably saw news clips or listened to conversation at lunch. Yet all of them seemed to know what happened and were determined to have an opinion, which I have to say is unusual for our group.
“I’d go further. I’d cut off his particulars.” This was Alan talking in Alan code that at five foot one and a half since he was eleven, he was a fierce warrior and he’d cut off Chris Rock’s balls. Alan was famous in group for standing up for the woman he loved even though he’s never dated.
That is when JuJu who’s been in the group for two years asked Alan, “What you gonna do with those balls? I mean, if you ever go crazy, and most of us think you already crazy Alan, you got a pair of balls, they hot, and now what you gonna do with ‘em? Believe me, I could sell ‘em in two seconds.” JuJu is an aspiring entrepreneur.
One of the quieter voices in the group, Barney, had this to say – “I don’t know … security asked Will Smith to leave after the incident, and he didn’t. What does he think, that’s he’s Putin or something?” That’s as close as we came to talking about Ukraine. Discuss the slap or Ukraine, only in America.
Everyone that night seemed to have a strong opinion. Me? What do I think? I mean Will Smith knows that Chris Rock is a comedian, right? This wasn’t malicious gossip or anything, more a comedian flirting with the edge. Isn’t that what they do? And speaking of doing something, Jaden Smith tweatted “That’s the way we do it.” I’m not sure, but that doesn’t seem to come under the category of great parenting.
There were thirteen of us Wednesday night, and I’d say all in all, although there were comments about how much crapola black women have put up with, most of us leaned towards the comedian’s questionable taste and Will Smith’s undeniable guilt. There was also a point of view that no one had seemed to consider … of course, it had to be Lorenzo.
Lorenzo is gay who’s been coming to MILDEW for two months now. He’s from Waco, Texas, and to be honest I’ve always been afraid of people from Waco, Texas … for one, when I was a kid, my family loved to pronounce it Wacko, as if we were lucky not to be living there. And secondly, well, Texas appears to be a few marbles short in the human rights department.
So at the end of the group, after our therapist made each of us define the word masculinity, Lorenzo tells us before we got up to leave, “The way I see it, you have the wrong villain my friends. In my book, Chris Rock is a mere player, a minstrel perhaps, a clown, a clown in a Shakespearean drama.
“And Will Smith plays the role of the classic dupe, the husband trying to prove himself even though it’s too late. His wife already had ‘an entanglement’ as she called it with one of her son’s friends. The man has been reduced in size for a long time now. The way I see it, it was the diva who pulled the strings in this drama.”
Arnie yelled out, I love Arnie, “What the fu*k does that all mean, Lorenzo?” Lorenzo stood up and started to put on his coat.
“It means, Arnie, that the man we saw stalk the stage was simply a weak man trying to prove himself. I have a friend in Hollywood, a producer who has stories about a lot of people, especially the divas, like Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Lopez. Apparently, Kardashian is very professional and easy to work with, Lopez walks around with a stick up her ass, but Pinkett-Smith is downright scary – cold, calculating, obsessively ambitious, and chronically dismissive.”
Lorenzo summed it up this way – “What he did, Will Smith, what he did was wrong. More than wrong, so much was wrong – not leaving when asked to leave, taking the spotlight away from so many, using his acceptance speech to try to exonerate himself, all of it. It was Trumpian.
“But whatever your opinion, my fellow Mildew men, consider that Mr. Smith is already serving his sentence. Just pause and be glad you don’t live on Planet Jada.” Lorenzo buttoned up his coat and ended with his signature smile and “Meow.”
Lorenzo may be right, but I’m a simple man and I do best with simple answers. Did Will Smith hit Chris Rock or did Jada? Would this all be a different story if Jada got up and slapped the comedian? All I know is this – it’s Hollywood, so who knows what really goes on, what’s real, what’s fake? I’m so glad I can just go home and shut the door – kRIS
Polly Peepers / family advice
Sperm Concern
Dear Polly,
A girl I just met recently, Starr, wanted me to spend some time with her so we could get to know each other better. Now Polly, I’m no prude – I do things my mother would never allow, like dropping F-bombs and stuff like that.
Well, Starr tells me we should go out on the town and that we should go to Nail Me, which I thought was great cause I’d never been to a nail bar. I told her I had to be back by eleven. Unfortunately, she thought I meant 11 a.m..
I go with her, and there’s this dark hallway and all these doorways leading to dark rooms and each room has a really wide couch in the back, and some skinny long pole in the middle of the room. At first I thought this was fun, and I kept on looking for a fireman to shoot down that pole.
Then I began to realize something. It took me awhile, but I’m pretty sure that Nail Me is this sex kitten hangout or something (I don’t know what else to call it?) where people go to do things that are pretty embarrassing.
Polly, I’m convinced that strangers had sex on those couches and Starr and I sat down on like a gazillion couches for long stretches of time and Starr doesn’t seem worried at all. So I have to ask you – can I get pregnant, like from left-over sperm on the couch? Do sperm hibernate? What if I spilled water, do they come alive? Can they crawl up your leg? And now Starr wants to go to Nail Me again. What should I do? – Marjorie, Iowa
Dear Marjorie,
Starr is a hard name to live up to … her parents meant well. First of all, apparently you don’t get out of the house that much, but I can assure you that your unsuspecting eggs are safe. Although sperm are fast little buggers, their propellers aren’t nuclear, so in general, don’t feel at risk sitting on a couch.
As far as Starr is concerned, just be honest – tell her that you didn’t like Nail Me, that it clearly isn’t a nail bar, and that you probably shouldn’t hang out with her because places like that make you uncomfortable.
To tell you the truth, it sounds more like Starr just wants a wingman. However, before the two of you decide if you will go your separate ways, you might want to ask if she actually does know of a place where firemen do that pole thing.
– Polly
Dear Polly,
My two boys, ages nine and six named Ben and Jerry, have threatened to call their Social Services worker unless I immediately return to therapy to address my addiction to chocolate. I admit they found three cases of Malomars which I keep under my bed in case I have a panic attack … and yes, I do have two separate rooms in my house for my inventory, one for dark chocolate and one for milk.
But I’ve done everything the court has ordered – I don’t refer to either of my children as snacks anymore. I’ve changed my name back to Phyllis from Hershette. The truth is I love both Ben and Jerrys – both my children Ben and Jerry, and the ice cream Ben and Jerry. My fear is which Ben and Jerry do I love the most? I’m afraid that therapy might reveal a disappointing answer. – Phyllis, Massachusetts
Dear Phyllis,
Here are a few questions you might want to ask yourself as you come to terms with your condition. When you call for Ben and Jerry to come in from playing do you find yourself starting to salivate? What is it like when you put them to bed? Do you have an urge to bring a spoon? If so, these are serious problems that must be treated.
I’d suggest locating a nearby chapter of Chocoholics Anonymous … at the very least, it’s a step in the right direction, and believe me, I can assure you, it’s not a lost cause by any means. And just wondering – were the names Haagen and Daz ever in the running? – Polly
Amy’s Guide to Staying In
Amy Lighthouse is a self-described over-achiever, who worked at Snapchat and Apple before going into venture capital. During the initial Covid onslaught, she wrote for The Lemonade Stand offering strategies of how to cope with quarantine and staying in. Her recipes and cable television suggestions have boosted the spirits of numerous households who credit Amy with keeping a number of families from harming each other.
Eggplant Parmesan
PREP TIME. 1 hour
COOK TIME. 2 hours
SERVES 6
Ingredients and grocery list
Eggplant
3 pounds eggplant (Choose the large variety. Make sure they are firm and smooth. Also, choose male eggplants. They have fewer seeds and have a rounder, smoother bottom)
1 cup flour
salt
generous amounts of olive oil
1 cup grated parmigiano-reggiano
1/2 pound buffalo-milk mozzarella (if the balls are small, get two)
Sauce
2 28 ounces cans of San Marzano (any brand is fine) canned whole peeled tomatoes (add another can if you want extra sauce left over)
3 cloves garlic, thinly sliced
enough olive oil to cover the pan
Directions
Peel the eggplant and slice long ways into 1/4 inch slices. Sprinkle each layer with salt and place into a colander, overlapping and salting as you go. Each slice should be salted. After you fill the colander, place a plate on top and weight it with a heavy pan or a tea kettle filled with water. Let the eggplant sweat for 30 minutes or more.
While the eggplant sweats, make the sauce.
Cover the bottom of a sauce pan with olive oil and heat over medium high heat. Add the sliced garlic and let it cook until is sizzles (do not brown the garlic).
Add the canned whole tomatoes and their juice and salt.
Stir and chop coarsely using a potato masher or two knives chopping crossways. Lower the heat and simmeruntil reduced by almost half.
Remove the eggplant from the colander and thoroughly pat dry each slice.
Heat the oven to 450 degrees. Cover the bottom of a baking sheet or two with olive oil.
Dredge the eggplant slices in flour, shaking off any excess. Place on the baking sheets and drizzle the each slice with olive oil. Bake until brown on one side (about 15 minutes or so) and tun over and brown the other side. Repeat until you have cooked all the eggplant.
Using a 7×11 baking dish (I like ceramic or earthenware, but you can use stainless steel as well), spread a thin layer of sauce on the bottom and layer the eggplant until it completely covers the bottom (it’s like a puzzle!).
Sprinkle generously with the grated parmigiano-reggiano. Add another layer of sauce and then the eggplant. Continue to build the layers until you are about two layers from the top, then add a single layer of sliced mozzarella. Finish with a couple more layers of eggplant, sauce, and parmesan. Finish the top with parmesan.
Bake on the upper third of a 400 degree oven. Check it after it’s been in the oven for 20 minutes. You may find that it throws off more liquid as it bakes. If so, press down on the eggplant and draw off any excess liquid. Cook for another 15 minutes or so. Let stand for a good 15 or 20 minutes before serving.
The right to be heard does not automatically involve
the right to be taken seriously
We clearly take for granted so much that is sacred, and nothing is more sacred than freedom of speech. But just because you’re allowed to shoot off your mouth on any street corner, doesn’t mean we must respect what you’re saying. You have to earn that right. Freedom of speech may be an entitlement … to be taken seriously is not.
Self-Evaluation
What criteria do you use to take someone seriously?
What criteria do you use to stop listening?
Word Association
(1.) truth ………… debatable // universal // presidential
(2.) fanatic …………. deaf // limited // turn the station
(3.) gossip …………. back stab // fake news // ignore
Killjoy : Governor DeSantis, you are running for re-election in Florida in 2022, yet some say you are actually running for the presidency in 2024. Before you went into politics, you had an impressive resume – Magna Cum Laude and captain of the Yale baseball team, teaching high school history, Harvard Law School, military prosecutor. These are mainstream qualifications usually pointing towards the pinnacle of political office, the presidency.
You are clearly conservative, and from all indications, you do not take yourself lightly nor are you allergic to the spotlight. With that in mind, I have two questions to ask you today:
“If re-elected, are you willing to say that you will serve all four years of your second term as Florida’s governor?” … and second, “Why are you associated with so many extremist groups, like Mothers for Milkweed and T.U.R.B.A.?
DeSantis : I’m glad you asked me that. Yes, I am outspoken, shouldn’t everyone be outspoken? Isn’t that what the first amendment is all about? The god-given right, the ability to speak out loud? Do liberals and their collection of Wall Street whiners want to take that away, too? I assume you are proud to be an American … I’m proud to say it out loud.
Killjoy : Let me repeat my question more directly – will you run for President of the United States while serving as Governor of Florida?
DeSantis : Let me just say who doesn’t want to be president of the United States? What little boy didn’t think about that once in their lives?
Killjoy : I would imagine a lot of little boys of color.
DeSantis : To answer your question, being governor of Florida is sacred to me. If, however, I am called into action for the greater good, as a former member of the military, I would be proud to enlist to make this country whole again.
Killjoy : What about all these extremist groups who support you, like Mothers For Milkweed who believe the recent proliferation in Texas and Florida of monarch butterflies, a species that feeds exclusively on milkweed, signals the approval of God that Donald Trump should be the monarch of the free world, and that you should be his vice-president?
DeSantis : You are taking their views out of context. So they love their monarch butterflies and they also love President Trump. These are not militant people. They pose no threat to anyone.
Killjoy : What about T.U.R.B.A. and their focus on The Unborn’s Right to Bear Arms? They’re but one of many fringe groups that unlike Mothers For Milkweed have been linked to the January 6th insurrection as well as to your politics.
DeSantis : Yes, I’ve heard of them.
Killjoy : This group is saying that fetuses have the right to bear arms to protect themselves, and therefore denied of their rights, there should be no abortion. Even a few prominent members of the N.R.A. have been quoted as saying this works for them.
DeSantis : As I said, I do know of this group, but the media has made them look like they’re from California or something. I could assure you and I guess I have to, they are just ordinary people. Sure, they have their share of AR-15’s, and some are happy when abortion clinics burn down, they get carried away sometimes … don’t we all?
These are good people. They believe in the sanctity of life. They believe there is evil in the world, and they want to protect themselves and those chosen by God to come into this world.
Killjoy : Are you saying you welcome their support?
DeSantis : I’m just doing my best to be your average Harvard graduate who wants voters who’ve been ignored to have a voice … it’s as simple as that. With me, what you see is what you get – no mirrors, no fluff, no excuses for making hard choices. I can be a little ornery sometimes, but if that’s what it takes to get things done, then so be it, I’m your man.
Killjoy : Sounds like you’re running for the presidency.
I really don’t understand how he does it? Let’s start with the whole Ukraine mess. After Russia invades Ukraine using a sledgehammer to squash a butterfly, and with his eye on creating a network of high-rise Comrade Towers throughout Russia and its network of satellites, Donald Trump immediately locates Putin’s behind, plants a kiss on both cheeks, and calls Putin a genius … which if using the same criteria for calling himself a genius, isn’t exactly a compliment.
On the domestic front, as if there’s never enough to satisfy this spoiled child’s gluttonous appetite for power and attention, Trump declares that when he’s reelected, he will pardon those January 6th insurrectionists we’ve all come to love, and then doubles down by imploring his followers to mass protest if he is accused of any crimes. I wasn’t clear on that last part – was he talking about a mass protest with or without AR 15’s?
No really, how does this clown with an orange dunce cap get away with his parlor trick of making the elephant in the room disappear, the elephant being the G.O.P., the grand old party of Eisenhower, Reagan, and Bush that has evaporated before our very eyes? When will the endless procession of Donja Vu (he’s back!) die of its own top-heavy narcissism?
In spite of all the liberal wishful thinking that Trump was scarred by two impeachments, will the era of The Donald only turn out to be Political Covid where Trump wins in 2024, and we’re all then sentenced to wait ad nauseum for a less toxic political deviant to come along that doesn’t require hospitalization? Is Ron DeSantis really less toxic?
Donald Trump, the salesman who swore he’d never profit from office, the salesman who pledged to build a great wall and make Mexico pay for that wall, the salesman who promised never to take those golfing vacations like Obama … deep down, is Trump afraid of becoming a political Willie Loman, who in Death of a Salesman endures a firing, which leads him to create his own fantasy world to cope with his situation?
Sure, Donald, the election was stolen. And the 2024 election will be stolen as well, unless of course, you’re the one who wins.
Donald Trump, the empty vessel with the hollow soul, a petty man with no real moral compass, the prep school brat acting in defeat like we thought he might – a politically wounded animal instinctively diving Code Red into denial only to continue to be a fallen cartoon led by his armadildo brain who as President of the United States told us
On His Daughter Ivanka– “She has a nice figure, and if she weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her” ** “I’m the one who likes golf, but we both like sex” ** “She’d make a great president … she’d make a great playmate”
On The Environment – “Windmills cause ear cancer” ** “There’s no such thing as climate change – it’s just that there’s a cooling and there’s a heating” ** “The ice caps aren’t melting, they’re spreading out”
On Politics – “I like people who weren’t captured” ** “The big difference between me and other political candidates is my women are more beautiful” ** “So many people love me, they really do, they love me … who can blame them?”
On The Pandemic – “It’s apparently one person coming in from China, it’s under control” ** “Covid will disappear like a miracle” ** “What about disinfectant, what about sunlight?” ** “The flu is worse”
On Himself – “I’m a very stable genius” ** “My primary consultant is myself” ** “My I.Q. is one of the highest – I’m like very bright” ** (on Thanksgiving in 2018) “I guess I’m most thankful for myself.”
There is one more quote, an indelible footprint on American society which might partially explain to those in the future the cancer that passes for politics in the 21st century. “I could shoot someone and not lose any voters.” By any standard, that is the most soulless statement ever uttered in American politics. Unfortunately, he was telling the truth.
Donald Trump is trying to murder elections, yet if he runs again, he’ll get 70,000,000 votes. He’ll urge his flock to rant and rave and arrest someone. He’ll pose on elevated stadium podiums with his Mussolini chin-butting and shameless self-licking as if he’s looking in the mirror.
Who in your neighborhood is willing to say out loud not only does the emperor wear no clothes, but the emperor is delusional, a sick puppy, a human knock-off with a schoolyard score to settle. Am I being too blunt? When will the constant war of vitriolic politics fanned by outsized egos and limitless money finally return to the political dumpster from where it came?
Yes, we are all tired of wars – bullet wars, climate wars, culture wars, wars about territory, wars about children, wars about respect. And we’re all tired of costs – the cost of food, the cost of health, the cost of racism, the cost of ignorance. All of us are so tired of so many things that the list seems endless … until we face the bottom of that list and we come to whether we are tired of ourselves.
This political showdown at the I’m Ok, You’re Not OK Corral is a big one. Are we really too tired to participate in local politics? Are we really too broke to donate to causes that confront our biggest fears, like climate change or the slow-moving coup of a right-wing wet dream? Will we fall in line behind the bully in the schoolyard, or will we face up to him knowing it’s the right thing to do?
I’m not talking about being a worthy Republican or Democrat here. I’m asking are we willing to accept the ultra conservative attempt to redefine Democracy and one of its sacrosanct principles – the right to vote? Are we really willing to accept that good people will be left out and disenfranchised because they’re scared of voting in person, or they don’t have the time or energy to jump through the hoops of prejudice and politics? People who earn a living, raise children, perhaps are elderly, all of whom deserve our respect.
I’m wondering will the Left be able to organize effectively after a Republican sweep of all three branches of government, or will neutered progressives become political flotsam as the coveted ecumenical tent of the Democratic party looks in the mirror and sees itself shrinking?
I’m asking whether a gerrymandered future of an unsuspecting public that once sang ‘this land is your land, this land is my land‘ will produce a cul-de-sac of faith with nowhere to go and blood in the streets?
Understand this – the difficult days aren’t even here yet. If Trump wins in 2024 along with a Republican majority, there will be an unprecedented scorched earth policy. Schools will be told what to teach, votes will be counted behind closed doors, judges will be selected with pre-ordained verdicts.
Actually, let’s face it … the Republicans always accuse their friends the Democrats of the exact same thing. That’s the way both sides roll as we all ride this political clown car to an uncertain future.
Prepare yourself. The future may include taking an inventory of where you live. It’s never too early to make sure your town and state matches your gang color.
