The right to be heard does not automatically involve
the right to be taken seriously
We clearly take for granted so much that is sacred, and nothing is more sacred than freedom of speech. But just because you’re allowed to shoot off your mouth on any street corner, doesn’t mean we must respect what you’re saying. You have to earn that right. Freedom of speech may be an entitlement … to be taken seriously is not.
Self-Evaluation
What criteria do you use to take someone seriously?
What criteria do you use to stop listening?
Word Association
(1.) truth ………… debatable // universal // presidential
(2.) fanatic …………. deaf // limited // turn the station
(3.) gossip …………. back stab // fake news // ignore
Killjoy : Governor DeSantis, you are running for re-election in Florida in 2022, yet some say you are actually running for the presidency in 2024. Before you went into politics, you had an impressive resume – Magna Cum Laude and captain of the Yale baseball team, teaching high school history, Harvard Law School, military prosecutor. These are mainstream qualifications usually pointing towards the pinnacle of political office, the presidency.
You are clearly conservative, and from all indications, you do not take yourself lightly nor are you allergic to the spotlight. With that in mind, I have two questions to ask you today:
“If re-elected, are you willing to say that you will serve all four years of your second term as Florida’s governor?” … and second, “Why are you associated with so many extremist groups, like Mothers for Milkweed and T.U.R.B.A.?
DeSantis : I’m glad you asked me that. Yes, I am outspoken, shouldn’t everyone be outspoken? Isn’t that what the first amendment is all about? The god-given right, the ability to speak out loud? Do liberals and their collection of Wall Street whiners want to take that away, too? I assume you are proud to be an American … I’m proud to say it out loud.
Killjoy : Let me repeat my question more directly – will you run for President of the United States while serving as Governor of Florida?
DeSantis : Let me just say who doesn’t want to be president of the United States? What little boy didn’t think about that once in their lives?
Killjoy : I would imagine a lot of little boys of color.
DeSantis : To answer your question, being governor of Florida is sacred to me. If, however, I am called into action for the greater good, as a former member of the military, I would be proud to enlist to make this country whole again.
Killjoy : What about all these extremist groups who support you, like Mothers For Milkweed who believe the recent proliferation in Texas and Florida of monarch butterflies, a species that feeds exclusively on milkweed, signals the approval of God that Donald Trump should be the monarch of the free world, and that you should be his vice-president?
DeSantis : You are taking their views out of context. So they love their monarch butterflies and they also love President Trump. These are not militant people. They pose no threat to anyone.
Killjoy : What about T.U.R.B.A. and their focus on The Unborn’s Right to Bear Arms? They’re but one of many fringe groups that unlike Mothers For Milkweed have been linked to the January 6th insurrection as well as to your politics.
DeSantis : Yes, I’ve heard of them.
Killjoy : This group is saying that fetuses have the right to bear arms to protect themselves, and therefore denied of their rights, there should be no abortion. Even a few prominent members of the N.R.A. have been quoted as saying this works for them.
DeSantis : As I said, I do know of this group, but the media has made them look like they’re from California or something. I could assure you and I guess I have to, they are just ordinary people. Sure, they have their share of AR-15’s, and some are happy when abortion clinics burn down, they get carried away sometimes … don’t we all?
These are good people. They believe in the sanctity of life. They believe there is evil in the world, and they want to protect themselves and those chosen by God to come into this world.
Killjoy : Are you saying you welcome their support?
DeSantis : I’m just doing my best to be your average Harvard graduate who wants voters who’ve been ignored to have a voice … it’s as simple as that. With me, what you see is what you get – no mirrors, no fluff, no excuses for making hard choices. I can be a little ornery sometimes, but if that’s what it takes to get things done, then so be it, I’m your man.
Killjoy : Sounds like you’re running for the presidency.
I really don’t understand how he does it? Let’s start with the whole Ukraine mess. After Russia invades Ukraine using a sledgehammer to squash a butterfly, and with his eye on creating a network of high-rise Comrade Towers throughout Russia and its network of satellites, Donald Trump immediately locates Putin’s behind, plants a kiss on both cheeks, and calls Putin a genius … which if using the same criteria for calling himself a genius, isn’t exactly a compliment.
On the domestic front, as if there’s never enough to satisfy this spoiled child’s gluttonous appetite for power and attention, Trump declares that when he’s reelected, he will pardon those January 6th insurrectionists we’ve all come to love, and then doubles down by imploring his followers to mass protest if he is accused of any crimes. I wasn’t clear on that last part – was he talking about a mass protest with or without AR 15’s?
No really, how does this clown with an orange dunce cap get away with his parlor trick of making the elephant in the room disappear, the elephant being the G.O.P., the grand old party of Eisenhower, Reagan, and Bush that has evaporated before our very eyes? When will the endless procession of Donja Vu (he’s back!) die of its own top-heavy narcissism?
In spite of all the liberal wishful thinking that Trump was scarred by two impeachments, will the era of The Donald only turn out to be Political Covid where Trump wins in 2024, and we’re all then sentenced to wait ad nauseum for a less toxic political deviant to come along that doesn’t require hospitalization? Is Ron DeSantis really less toxic?
Donald Trump, the salesman who swore he’d never profit from office, the salesman who pledged to build a great wall and make Mexico pay for that wall, the salesman who promised never to take those golfing vacations like Obama … deep down, is Trump afraid of becoming a political Willie Loman, who in Death of a Salesman endures a firing, which leads him to create his own fantasy world to cope with his situation?
Sure, Donald, the election was stolen. And the 2024 election will be stolen as well, unless of course, you’re the one who wins.
Donald Trump, the empty vessel with the hollow soul, a petty man with no real moral compass, the prep school brat acting in defeat like we thought he might – a politically wounded animal instinctively diving Code Red into denial only to continue to be a fallen cartoon led by his armadildo brain who as President of the United States told us
On His Daughter Ivanka– “She has a nice figure, and if she weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her” ** “I’m the one who likes golf, but we both like sex” ** “She’d make a great president … she’d make a great playmate”
On The Environment – “Windmills cause ear cancer” ** “There’s no such thing as climate change – it’s just that there’s a cooling and there’s a heating” ** “The ice caps aren’t melting, they’re spreading out”
On Politics – “I like people who weren’t captured” ** “The big difference between me and other political candidates is my women are more beautiful” ** “So many people love me, they really do, they love me … who can blame them?”
On The Pandemic – “It’s apparently one person coming in from China, it’s under control” ** “Covid will disappear like a miracle” ** “What about disinfectant, what about sunlight?” ** “The flu is worse”
On Himself – “I’m a very stable genius” ** “My primary consultant is myself” ** “My I.Q. is one of the highest – I’m like very bright” ** (on Thanksgiving in 2018) “I guess I’m most thankful for myself.”
There is one more quote, an indelible footprint on American society which might partially explain to those in the future the cancer that passes for politics in the 21st century. “I could shoot someone and not lose any voters.” By any standard, that is the most soulless statement ever uttered in American politics. Unfortunately, he was telling the truth.
Donald Trump is trying to murder elections, yet if he runs again, he’ll get 70,000,000 votes. He’ll urge his flock to rant and rave and arrest someone. He’ll pose on elevated stadium podiums with his Mussolini chin-butting and shameless self-licking as if he’s looking in the mirror.
Who in your neighborhood is willing to say out loud not only does the emperor wear no clothes, but the emperor is delusional, a sick puppy, a human knock-off with a schoolyard score to settle. Am I being too blunt? When will the constant war of vitriolic politics fanned by outsized egos and limitless money finally return to the political dumpster from where it came?
Yes, we are all tired of wars – bullet wars, climate wars, culture wars, wars about territory, wars about children, wars about respect. And we’re all tired of costs – the cost of food, the cost of health, the cost of racism, the cost of ignorance. All of us are so tired of so many things that the list seems endless … until we face the bottom of that list and we come to whether we are tired of ourselves.
This political showdown at the I’m Ok, You’re Not OK Corral is a big one. Are we really too tired to participate in local politics? Are we really too broke to donate to causes that confront our biggest fears, like climate change or the slow-moving coup of a right-wing wet dream? Will we fall in line behind the bully in the schoolyard, or will we face up to him knowing it’s the right thing to do?
I’m not talking about being a worthy Republican or Democrat here. I’m asking are we willing to accept the ultra conservative attempt to redefine Democracy and one of its sacrosanct principles – the right to vote? Are we really willing to accept that good people will be left out and disenfranchised because they’re scared of voting in person, or they don’t have the time or energy to jump through the hoops of prejudice and politics? People who earn a living, raise children, perhaps are elderly, all of whom deserve our respect.
I’m wondering will the Left be able to organize effectively after a Republican sweep of all three branches of government, or will neutered progressives become political flotsam as the coveted ecumenical tent of the Democratic party looks in the mirror and sees itself shrinking?
I’m asking whether a gerrymandered future of an unsuspecting public that once sang ‘this land is your land, this land is my land‘ will produce a cul-de-sac of faith with nowhere to go and blood in the streets?
Understand this – the difficult days aren’t even here yet. If Trump wins in 2024 along with a Republican majority, there will be an unprecedented scorched earth policy. Schools will be told what to teach, votes will be counted behind closed doors, judges will be selected with pre-ordained verdicts.
Actually, let’s face it … the Republicans always accuse their friends the Democrats of the exact same thing. That’s the way both sides roll as we all ride this political clown car to an uncertain future.
Prepare yourself. The future may include taking an inventory of where you live. It’s never too early to make sure your town and state matches your gang color.
I really don’t understand how he does it? Let’s start with the whole Ukraine mess. After Russia invades Ukraine using a sledgehammer to squash a butterfly, and with his eye on creating a network of high-rise Comrade Towers throughout Russia and its network of satellites, Donald Trump immediately locates Putin’s behind, plants a kiss on both cheeks, and calls Putin a genius … which if using the same criteria for calling himself a genius, isn’t exactly a compliment.
On the domestic front, as if there’s never enough to satisfy this spoiled child’s gluttonous appetite for power and attention, Trump declares that when he’s reelected, he will pardon those January 6th insurrectionists we’ve all come to love, and then doubles down by imploring his followers to mass protest if he is accused of any crimes. I wasn’t clear on that last part – was he talking about a mass protest with or without AR 15’s?
No really, how does this clown with an orange dunce cap get away with his parlor trick of making the elephant in the room disappear, the elephant being the G.O.P., the grand old party of Eisenhower, Reagan, and Bush that has evaporated before our very eyes? When will the endless procession of Donja Vu (he’s back!) die of its own top-heavy narcissism?
In spite of all the liberal wishful thinking that Trump was scarred by two impeachments, will the era of The Donald only turn out to be Political Covid where Trump wins in 2024, and we’re all then sentenced to wait ad nauseum for a less toxic political deviant to come along that doesn’t require hospitalization? Is Ron DeSantis really less toxic?
Donald Trump, the salesman who swore he’d never profit from office, the salesman who pledged to build a great wall and make Mexico pay for that wall, the salesman who promised never to take those golfing vacations like Obama … deep down, is Trump afraid of becoming a political Willie Loman, who in Death of a Salesman endures a firing, which leads him to create his own fantasy world to cope with his situation?
Sure, Donald, the election was stolen. And the 2024 election will be stolen as well, unless of course, you’re the one who wins.
Donald Trump, the empty vessel with the hollow soul, a petty man with no real moral compass, the prep school brat acting in defeat like we thought he might – a politically wounded animal instinctively diving Code Red into denial only to continue to be a fallen cartoon led by his armadildo brain who as President of the United States told us
On His Daughter Ivanka– “She has a nice figure, and if she weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her” ** “I’m the one who likes golf, but we both like sex” ** “She’d make a great president … she’d make a great playmate”
On The Environment – “Windmills cause ear cancer” ** “There’s no such thing as climate change – it’s just that there’s a cooling and there’s a heating” ** “The ice caps aren’t melting, they’re spreading out”
On Politics – “I like people who weren’t captured” ** “The big difference between me and other political candidates is my women are more beautiful” ** “So many people love me, they really do, they love me … who can blame them?”
On The Pandemic – “It’s apparently one person coming in from China, it’s under control” ** “Covid will disappear like a miracle” ** “What about disinfectant, what about sunlight?” ** “The flu is worse”
On Himself – “I’m a very stable genius” ** “My primary consultant is myself” ** “My I.Q. is one of the highest – I’m like very bright” ** (on Thanksgiving in 2018) “I guess I’m most thankful for myself.”
There is one more quote, an indelible footprint on American society which might partially explain to those in the future the cancer that passes for politics in the 21st century. “I could shoot someone and not lose any voters.” By any standard, that is the most soulless statement ever uttered in American politics. Unfortunately, he was telling the truth.
Donald Trump is trying to murder elections, yet if he runs again, he’ll get 70,000,000 votes. He’ll urge his flock to rant and rave and arrest someone. He’ll pose on elevated stadium podiums with his Mussolini chin-butting and shameless self-licking as if he’s looking in the mirror.
Who in your neighborhood is willing to say out loud not only does the emperor wear no clothes, but the emperor is delusional, a sick puppy, a human knock-off with a schoolyard score to settle. Am I being too blunt? When will the constant war of vitriolic politics fanned by outsized egos and limitless money finally return to the political dumpster from where it came?
Yes, we are all tired of wars – bullet wars, climate wars, culture wars, wars about territory, wars about children, wars about respect. And we’re all tired of costs – the cost of food, the cost of health, the cost of racism, the cost of ignorance. All of us are so tired of so many things that the list seems endless … until we face the bottom of that list and we come to whether we are tired of ourselves.
This political showdown at the I’m Ok, You’re Not OK Corral is a big one. Are we really too tired to participate in local politics? Are we really too broke to donate to causes that confront our biggest fears, like climate change or the slow-moving coup of a right-wing wet dream? Will we fall in line behind the bully in the schoolyard, or will we face up to him knowing it’s the right thing to do?
I’m not talking about being a worthy Republican or Democrat here. I’m asking are we willing to accept the ultra conservative attempt to redefine Democracy and one of its sacrosanct principles – the right to vote? Are we really willing to accept that good people will be left out and disenfranchised because they’re scared of voting in person, or they don’t have the time or energy to jump through the hoops of prejudice and politics? People who earn a living, raise children, perhaps are elderly, all of whom deserve our respect.
I’m wondering will the Left be able to organize effectively after a Republican sweep of all three branches of government, or will neutered progressives become political flotsam as the coveted ecumenical tent of the Democratic party looks in the mirror and sees itself shrinking?
I’m asking whether a gerrymandered future of an unsuspecting public that once sang ‘this land is your land, this land is my land‘ will produce a cul-de-sac of faith with nowhere to go and blood in the streets?
Understand this – the difficult days aren’t even here yet. If Trump wins in 2024 along with a Republican majority, there will be an unprecedented scorched earth policy. Schools will be told what to teach, votes will be counted behind closed doors, judges will be selected with pre-ordained verdicts.
Actually, let’s face it … the Republicans always accuse their friends the Democrats of the exact same thing. That’s the way both sides roll as we all ride this political clown car to an uncertain future.
Prepare yourself. The future may include taking an inventory of where you live. It’s never too early to make sure your town and state matches your gang color.
Hermione
Vanilla
This land is your land, this land is my land
Baked News
Reporter Agnes Killjoy
Interview with Ron DeSantis
Killjoy : Governor DeSantis, you are running for re-election in Florida in 2022, yet some say you are actually running for the presidency in 2024. Before you went into politics, you had an impressive resume – Magna Cum Laude and captain of the Yale baseball team, teaching high school history, Harvard Law School, military prosecutor. These are mainstream qualifications usually pointing towards the pinnacle of political office, the presidency.
You are clearly conservative, and from all indications, you do not take yourself lightly nor are you allergic to the spotlight. With that in mind, I have two questions to ask you today:
“If re-elected, are you willing to say that you will serve all four years of your second term as Florida’s governor?” … and second, “Why are you associated with so many extremist groups, like Mothers for Milkweed and T.U.R.B.A.?
DeSantis : I’m glad you asked me that. Yes, I am outspoken, shouldn’t everyone be outspoken? Isn’t that what the first amendment is all about? The god-given right, the ability to speak out loud? Do liberals and their collection of Wall Street whiners want to take that away, too? I assume you are proud to be an American … I’m proud to say it out loud.
Killjoy : Let me repeat my question more directly – will you run for President of the United States while serving as Governor of Florida?
DeSantis : Let me just say who doesn’t want to be president of the United States? What little boy didn’t think about that once in their lives?
Killjoy : I would imagine a lot of little boys of color.
DeSantis : To answer your question, being governor of Florida is sacred to me. If, however, I am called into action for the greater good, as a former member of the military, I would be proud to enlist to make this country whole again.
Killjoy : What about all these extremist groups who support you, like Mothers For Milkweed who believe the recent proliferation in Texas and Florida of monarch butterflies, a species that feeds exclusively on milkweed, signals the approval of God that Donald Trump should be the monarch of the free world, and that you should be his vice-president?
DeSantis : You are taking their views out of context. So they love their monarch butterflies and they also love President Trump. These are not militant people. They pose no threat to anyone.
Killjoy : What about T.U.R.B.A. and their focus on The Unborn’s Right to Bear Arms? They’re but one of many fringe groups that unlike Mothers For Milkweed have been linked to the January 6th insurrection as well as to your politics.
DeSantis : Yes, I’ve heard of them.
Killjoy : This group is saying that fetuses have the right to bear arms to protect themselves, and therefore denied of their rights, there should be no abortion. Even a few prominent members of the N.R.A. have been quoted as saying this works for them.
DeSantis : As I said, I do know of this group, but the media has made them look like they’re from California or something. I could assure you and I guess I have to, they are just ordinary people. Sure, they have their share of AR-15’s, and some are happy when abortion clinics burn down, they get carried away sometimes … don’t we all?
These are good people. They believe in the sanctity of life. They believe there is evil in the world, and they want to protect themselves and those chosen by God to come into this world.
Killjoy : Are you saying you welcome their support?
DeSantis : I’m just doing my best to be your average Harvard graduate who wants voters who’ve been ignored to have a voice … it’s as simple as that. With me, what you see is what you get – no mirrors, no fluff, no excuses for making hard choices. I can be a little ornery sometimes, but if that’s what it takes to get things done, then so be it, I’m your man.
Killjoy : Sounds like you’re running for the presidency.
DeSantis : Just trying to stay in shape.
Buddha ben Buddha
Free Speech
The right to be heard does not automatically involve
the right to be taken seriously
We clearly take for granted so much that is sacred, and nothing is more sacred than freedom of speech. But just because you’re allowed to shoot off your mouth on any street corner, doesn’t mean we must respect what you’re saying. You have to earn that right. Freedom of speech may be an entitlement … to be taken seriously is not.
Self-Evaluation
What criteria do you use to take someone seriously?
What criteria do you use to stop listening?
Word Association
(1.) truth ………… debatable // universal // presidential
(2.) fanatic …………. deaf // limited // turn the station
(3.) gossip …………. back stab // fake news // ignore
founder of M.I.L.D.E.W. Men with Intimacy and Learning Disorders Experiencing Women
Content to be Nobody
Last Fall, even before the arrival of Omicron, the wife realized my social distancing funk was not dissipating like it did for most people we knew. She worried because when I returned home from work, I’d stopped scratching our new rescue dog, who faithfully waits for me on the front porch every night, and once inside, I didn’t want to come to the dinner table to eat … on Thursday nights, I stopped playing masked poker with the boys, but I explained to her the masks hid who was bluffing.
The wife sat me down and suggested that every night I simply disappear into the backyard and look up at the sky, or I quickly retreat into the bedroom to watch ESPN propping myself up in our bed eating cheese doodles … all of which is wife-speak for sucking your thumb. She also told me something I’ll never forget – that I was becoming content to be nobody.
I have to admit, when I first heard her say that, it felt like a low blow. It’s common knowledge that guys don’t deal well with low blows. Only recently, at one of our M.I.L.D.E.W. meetings, did I learn that women don’t deal well with low blows either.
The wife went further and said I was becoming idle and uninvolved. She called my condition EDF – the ‘eat, drink, and fart’ syndrome that many men experience in their mid-50’s … look, the wife and I met just after she graduated from Sarah Lawrence where she apparently majored in being right, so thirty-one years ago, I knew what I was getting into when I met her. Yes, I do fart a lot. I’m not sure any more than when we met … so that’s on her in my book.
There’s this guy in group who I listen to a lot. This week, Jeremiah asked the therapist – “Does marriage always have to be a journey?” He added, “I don’t know about the rest of you guys, I know they’re supposed to be good for you, but I’m tired of journeys. I mean, my wife and I are good – last time I looked we’re still married. It’s just that everything in life these days has to be a goddamned journey … and that’s beginning to piss me off.”
Jeremiah might be unemployed, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t intend to ever over-exert himself, but the man has a point. Take the journey we all have at M.I.L.D.E.W. dealing with women. We’ve tried our best to understand what women want and when they want it, and for most of us, in spite of our efforts, we find ourselves continually coming up short. I asked the therapist “Is it us, or is it them?” She replied something like marriage is complicated and it takes two to tango. For that she went to graduate school?
So being a nobody – the more I thought about it, the more I realized as long as I bring home the bacon, like my father did, and his father before him, I’m trying to be honest here, but being a nobody – the more I thought about it, the more it didn’t seem like such a bad thing … as men get older, the less chores, the less pressure to be a man/ the better chance of not having a heart attack … so I’m thinking to myself, why bother overachieving when you can live longer by being a nobody. Besides, the wife has a PhD. Nobody here I come.
On the other hand, there is another possible reason for my funk – the wife’s sister, Joy. This despondency of mine might be more related to the fact that Joy has lived with us for months now, and this is not just me talking … the woman is completely nuts. Ask the kids. Ask our neighbors. Ask the guy at the liquor store.
You know how some people refuse to take the vaccine because it causes (pick one) sterility, male breast enlargement, the compulsion to vote Democratic, or blindness? Well, Joy – and believe me she’s anything but … how can I say this? Joy believes her body is a shrine and she’s currently trying her best to create a second identity so she can have both vaccines, Pfizer and Moderna.
Yup, all four shots and after that, both boosters … I kid you not. The woman aspires to be a pin cushion, which seems to me more like what Andy in our group calls a V.I.P., a victim in pursuit. So the wife thought it would be a good idea to rent an RV and tour America to cheer me up, you know, to get me away from my nine to five, get me away from my gloom, and most of all, for me to have time away from Joy and tour a country full of so much joy.
With optimism in our back pocket, we eventually decided to spend ten days of our only vacation time in Utah. I don’t get it – why do so many people feel they’ve found Heaven in Utah? Look, I gotta tell ya straight out, I’m afraid of Mormons. I had an accident on a ski slope once and I’m deathly afraid of any form of white-out.
These Mormons – do they all have square chins and prominent cheekbones? Even the women look like Mitch Romney. You have to give them credit, though – Mormon businesses are everywhere you look. And boy do they plan ahead. They pop out children like they pop out businesses, employing their progeny to work for them as soon as they know how to manage the cash register. I was lucky if my kids agreed to take out the garbage.
Dr. Demento/ brought to you by Dr. Vanilla
Unfortunately, the uneventful end of my story is that we wound up traveling in a rented RV through a number of Utah National Parks where I swear I will never go again – not because of the preponderance of Mormons, but because I’m done with traveling at 16 mph, forced to stare at tailpipes and absorb gasoline fumes, made to endure bumper stickers from Texas and Oklahoma asking me to Honk For Freedom. If only freedom were that simple.
Me? I need things that are far less convoluted … maybe watching ESPN and being content to be nobody is simply who I am these days. Maybe being a nobody is only a brief glimpse, a chapter, a chapter to stand between what comes next and what’s come before. Do a few hundred empty bags of cheese doodles have to define an entire book?
The wife is cool. She’ll forgive me for most anything I do as long as I shower. Besides, we’re still in Christmas mode and I told her my New Year’s resolution is to give Joy to the world … I think she misinterpreted what I meant.
kRIS
Reporter Agnes Killjoy
Interview with Ted Cruz
Killjoy: Senator Cruz – Tucker Carlson recently made you take back your statements about the Jan 6 Insurrection on his Pox News broadcast. What some pundits called ‘bootlicking’ is reminiscent of your relationship with Donald Trump who in 2016 declared that your father was part of the JFK assassination, that you cheated by rigging the election in the Iowa Republican primary, and that your wife is ugly. Yet, Senator Cruz, you unequivocally groveled in the presence of Carlson, and you continue to support the former president. Can you tell us why?
Senator Cruz: First of all, I’m from Harvard … and as far as my friend Tucker Carlson is concerned, we can talk about him later. I’m glad you asked about my father. I think of him when I pray at night – he was a good man, a very good man. He married my mother who struggled and couldn’t help that she was born with a debilitating condition. Sadly, she was a Democrat … in fact, her entire family was diagnosed as being Democratic. Consequently, my father had his hands full dealing with her, and sometimes, people under this kind of pressure do stupid things.
To your question, maybe my father was involved in the assassination, maybe he wasn’t. Exactly what does that have to do with me? Are any of us supposed to be responsible for our parents’ actions? That’s precisely what’s wrong with America, blaming those good people who are blameless. Do I own slaves? Did I invent the AR-15? Did I make people poor? I’m here to change the blame game.
Killjoy:And rigging the vote count in the 2016 primary in Iowa?
Senator Cruz: If only I were that powerful. President Trump was misinformed.
Killjoy:And calling your wife ugly, Senator? Can you elaborate?
Senator Cruz:As for my wife, even though we look like each other including the beards, we are a country of free speech, which is why Donald Trump is so refreshing. He tells it like it is, and sure, sometimes he tells it like it isn’t. Who am I, a humble servant from both Princeton and Harvard and you’re not, who am I to judge what he says?
My wife and I are both Christians – call my wife names, call me names, we still love you. We may want to lock you up, but we still love you. The Bible teaches that we’re all sinners, so doesn’t that make us all ugly in one way or another? President Trump was just quoting the Bible. In his own way, he is an extension of the Bible, so let’s live within the word of both the President and God.
Killjoy: So, Senator, you see no problem with the perception that you are cowering to people like Tucker Carlson and the former president? Are you saying that you have no true response to the former president’s assertion that your father was part of an assassination plot, and are you saying that your wife is ugly?
Senator Cruz:I’ve always been taught in the spirit of truly electable humility that beauty is in the eye of the beholder … I think Tucker Carlson is a beautiful man in a Christian non-homosexual, non-perverted kind of way. My wife is also very beautiful to me, very beautiful. Yes, it may be true that I turn the lights out when we become intimate, but for your information, I have excellent night vision.
As far as any assassination is concerned, I can’t help what other people think, and I can’t help who dies by whatever means – by a bullet, from cancer, or from reading your newspaper. The good people know God’s word when it comes to death – life is precious … but so is Heaven.
Regarding our duly elected President, President Trump, I applaud him and his votes. We had a schoolyard tiff, nothing more. I have no animosity towards him or towards Melania. My wife even released a letter to the Wall Street Journal admitting she was ugly, so Donald and I are good.
Killjoy: Do you see any of this at all, as pandering?
Senator Cruz: What is pandering anyway? Isn’t it giving people what they want?
Killjoy: Actually, I have my dictionary with me, … let’s see, it says here that “Political pandering involves expressing views that are merely for the purpose of drawing support and do not necessarily reflect one’s personal values.”
There’s also a second definition, Senator – “The act or practice of furnishing clients for a prostitute.” Some pundits suggest this second definition is the more accurate political metaphor where clients are voters and the prostitutes are our political leaders … but let’s stick to the former definition and the subject of personal values.
Senator Cruz:First of all, personal values are overrated. It’s the people who count, not one individual. I’m just a well-educated/ people come first/ just keep me in the loop/ humble kind of guy.
And you liberals always have to make things dirty, don’t you, bringing up prostitutes and all that? That’s why we have all these children calling themselves “they”. Isn’t life challenging enough? Do we have to have an identity crisis every time we turn a corner?
America is the land of the free – free to close down abortion clinics, free to protest at our nation’s capital, free to point out that homosexuality and I suspect ‘theyness’ is a sin in the eyes of God. God has made all of this clear, He says this directly to us, and now I am saying this as well.
Miss Killjoy, I believe I have answered your questions, so you’ll have to excuse me – it’s time for me to serve food at our local soup kitchen. It’s just what I do and who I am, in between giving blood to orphans.
Buddha ben Buddha
It’s amazing what you can accomplish if you don’t care who gets the credit
Let’s face it, this quote didn’t come from The Art of the Deal. For four long years, an entire country was forced to babysit the ego of the most powerful person in the world, concerned that he was prone to wetting his diaper as soon as he was ignored.
Most politicians seem to have one thing in mind – to get re-elected which intrinsically becomes attached at the hip to getting credit … all while they pretend to eat humble pie. There has to be a better way.
LISTS
Which two deeds make you proud even though no one knows you did them?
WORD ASSOCIATION
apply the first word separately to each of the three other words
Take this new round of Covid with its wonderful Omicron variant. Maybe we didn’t see this new virus actually coming, but c’mon, didn’t we sense something just around the corner? Didn’t we intuit our truce with this pandemic was inherently fragile? If once again we have to hunker down for the winter, how do we do this as a culture? What did we learn from previous battles? What seemed to work last time and what didn’t?
Let’s begin by stating the obvious – even before Covid, trust in government has been dead on arrival for decades. We’ve been mired in an age of social and political polarity featuring both political belligerence and social entitlement, and the opportunity schism that keeps them far apart. The belligerence side comes from so many of us either being left out, overwhelmed, overdrawn, the wrong color, the wrong sex, standing up to be heard, or standing in line for our meds … all while the far less populated side of entitled Americana eats at expensive restaurants, drives elitist cars, sends their children to pedigree colleges, and pays $400 to see the Lakers. So what is the answer? Anyone with some good ideas?
I’m told that America wants to be great again. That sounds good. There are so many of us who fear for our children and our children’s children that the best will no longer be ‘yet to come’. How can we get back on the right track? Where do we start? Is there any way we can make better use of our lemons?
If we do want the best to come, may I suggest while we’re making America great again, why not make Science great again as well? That’s my New Year’s resolution, to be part of a clear and passionate voice helping to make Science a respected and vital player in life, something akin to truth but open to and seeking improvement. Truth and improvement – ah yes, we can dream a little can’t we?
Let’s get back to what worked during the first Covid winter – a few possibilities come to mind. Look at what big deals very simple things became. Like taking a walk. Reading a book. Enjoying a new recipe. Having a friend. Who would have thought such simple acts would stake their claim to be the golden rings on the carousel?
Those insights and the possibility of a place in our lives for humility are important because here are the ongoing problems that await us, intent upon continuing to divide us even if we defeat the virus – racism, sexism, school shootings, a huge national debt, and the most formidable of all, climate change … there are no vaccines for any of this.
And this whole thing about life being a glass half empty or half full? It’s no longer a matter of which half we choose. It’s a matter of whether we have the actual wherewithal to keep the glass from leaking … whether we are up to the task of preserving the usefulness of the glass itself, as in the challenge of climate change and whether we are capable of not squandering the future.
How do we do keep the glass from leaking? I hate to use the word ‘duh’ here, but the first step to Stop The Leak is to get vaccinated. Then, after we hopefully wade through this self-made political sewer, we can move on to the plethora of systemic problems we faced before viruses made us their bitch.
Those are my thoughts for the day and a new year … and now that I review them, I’m starting to figure out why I don’t date much.
All the best, Hermione
Reporter Agnes Killjoy
The subject of Presidential Executive Privilege has been a hot topic for almost a year now. What can you say to the American people to convince them that as a former president, you have the right to keep private all of your administration’s information pertaining to the January 6th insurrection?
The Mar-a-Lago Reply
Look Agnes, I can call you Agnes can’t I? I can call you Agnes, yet somehow you feel comfortable calling me the ‘former’ president – just like the people you work for, your editors and that name they call me, ‘the former’, who are very bad people by the way, the people you work for, very bad. They should be in movies those people, and I can tell you, they’re the kind of people good people love to hate, myself included.
Let me pass along something about the real world, Agnes. Life is not a love-in, no it’s not, it’s not a love-in. And if things go wrong like they do for so many people, for so many fabulous people … people need to hate things, they need to, and there are so many people without a voice out there. If they don’t have someone to hate for them, then what? Think about it. Then what?
What if, I mean, we can do other things when we get up in the morning, orange juice maybe, but hating the enemy is part of life. When I get up, the first thing I do is think about my enemies. I do it instead of working out.
So you call me the former president. Look at me, do I look like a ‘former’ anything?My memory is like flypaper it’s so good. My hair is still orange, my doctor says I’m not obese, what’s there not to … I love the Jews by the way. Do I look like any kind of former? Look close, but don’t touch me. Have people ever really needed to touch one another? I was so far ahead, so far ahead of Covid.
Agnes, face it … half the country still considers me the real president. What can I say? The people love me, they love me, they’re very very incredible, don’t you think? The people? It’s like a rock star except I don’t have to do the drug part. And I also like the word very very, it’s one word right? I don’t know why, I just really love that word.
So let me ask you this – what are you going to do with all those people who love me and consider me their president? My people. What are you going to do with them once people like you make this country communist? Half of this country, they hate you, they don’t trust you, they know that you and the Press lie to make a living. Look Agnes, I can appreciate stretching things a bit – I’m in Real Estate – but what are you going to do with my people?
Killjoy: We are off-topic here, my question is about executive privilege.
Trump: You really want me to talk about executive privilege? I can do that. I can talk about executive privilege. No one knows more about executive privilege than I do. In the old days, executive privilege meant you had your own bathroom. We’re not just talking about special bathrooms though, are we Agnes? Let me put it this way, I think that all executives and what they do in their bathrooms is up to them.
And when you think about it, politics is just one big bathroom, isn’t it? Politics is this one big bathroom with rows and rows of stalls where elected officials dump their agendas and try to make believe the place doesn’t stink.
As far as what is recorded, my papers, what I said or might have said, look – ‘what I say’ and ‘when I say it’ has always been a mystery to me. I have no idea what I’m going to say next, and frankly, I don’t believe I said what I just said! That’s why people love me. That’s why I love myself. Some people say it’s a sign of being very, very smart and I agree with them. Not all of us can be wrong. That’s just who I am, not being wrong.
You call it an insurrection, I call it patriotism. If good citizens want to protest at the Capitol, that’s their right. So a few of them get pushy. Kids at rock concerts get pushy too. People at rock concerts die too. Are you going to charge everyone with treason?
Confiscating my administration’s information is stealing. The Democrats are thieves, pure and simple. There’s a website with Democratic family trees that shows their relatives were thieves also. That’s how it happens, through gene stuff, the stealing thing. They can’t be trusted with our money, or with our information. Does that answer your question?
Maybe this – here’s what I’ll do, Agnes … half of America thinks I’m the president. So I’ll give the Democrats half my papers. I have a lot of papers. I’ll give them half. It’s the art of the deal.
AMY’S GUIDE TO STAYING IN
Amy Lighthouse is a self-described over-achiever, who worked at Snapchat and Apple before going into venture capital. During the initial Covid onslaught, she wrote for The Lemonade Stand offering strategies of how to cope with quarantine and staying in. Her recipes and cable television suggestions have boosted the spirits of numerous households who credit Amy with keeping a number of families from harming each other.
GREEK LEMON CHICKEN BOWLS WITH SIZZLED MINT GODDESS SAUCE
sliced avocado, Persian cucumbers, olives, and basil, for serving
Sizzled Mint Goddess Sauce
1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil
1 tablespoon chopped fresh mint
1 cup plain Greek Yogurt
1/2 cup fresh basil or parsley, chopped
juice from 1 lemon/1 jalapeño, halved and seeded
1 teaspoon cumin
kosher salt
Instructions
1. In a gallon size zip top bag, combine the chicken, olive oil, balsamic vinegar, paprika, oregano, shallots, garlic, lemon juice, lemon zest, crushed red pepper, and a large pinch of salt. Marinate for 15 minutes or up to overnight in the fridge.
2. Meanwhile, make the yogurt. Heat the olive oil in a small skillet over medium heat. When the oil shimmers, remove from the heat and stir in the mint, it will sizzle up. Then set aside.
3. In a medium bowl, combine the yogurt, basil, lemon juice, jalapeño, cumin, and a pinch of salt.
4. Set your grill, grill pan or skillet to medium-high heat. Take skewers and thread the chicken pieces on. Alternately, you can roast the chicken at 400 degrees for 20-30 minutes.
5. Grill the skewers until lightly charred and cooked through, turning them occasionally throughout cooking, about 10 to 12 minutes total.
6. To serve, spread the yogurt sauce onto plates and drizzle with the mint oil. Add the orzo, peppers, feta, avocado, cucumbers, olives, and chicken. Sprinkle on some greens and herbs. Enjoy!
The Lemonade Stand
The Lemonade Stand is proud to announce the availability of a new novel.
Virgin Rodeo
For most of his life, 44-year-old Henry Drudge was the epitome of being ordinary. Tethered to his insecurities, he often found himself residing in a perpetual whirlpool of self-doubt, consequently becoming a man who made no one’s speed dial. This would all change when Henry gathered the courage to make a citizen’s arrest.
During the Covid pandemic of 2020, Henry travels along the lower half of the California coastline from Monterey to Big Sur to La Jolla, intent upon breaking up an underage sex ring centered in his hometown of Santa Barbara. Henry would first have to buy a gun as backup, and then figure out who to arrest. He never claimed he knew what he was doing.
Mr. Trump, you have recently weighed in positively on the mass resignations of police and firemen who refuse to get vaccinated. To clear up any misunderstandings, you’ve been severely critical of police in the past, especially the Washington D.C. police who you called a bunch of wimps. Can you clarify exactly where you stand on the police?
The Mar-A-Lago Response
Trump: First of all, I didn’t call the entire D.C. police force a bunch of wimps. I called the ones who went to the Capitol a bunch of homosexuals, and for good reason. You’re Agnes Killjoy … you worked at Pox once.
Killjoy: Yes, I am. And yes, I was an intern in the Pox News division.
Trump: Agnes … you’re the one who called me the bubble boy, right? They tell me that’s you. We’ll discuss that later with my friends from The Ultimate World Order. As far as the Washington D.C. police force goes, Agnes … you guys bother me, you reporters … people like you Agnes, you’re nobodies reporting about somebodies, and since you’ll always be a nobody, you need to take down a somebody … I don’t think any of you had mothers, I really don’t.
As far as the Washington D.C. police force is concerned, have you allowed yourself to see that website that shows police in dresses practicing flopping as a crowd control device? Ya gotta see this, it’s pathetic. Losers, all of them, losers. Flopping like that’s going to control anything. They were doing the same thing on January 6th at The Great Freedom Rally, except it was all those Washington A.C.D.C. losers.
Killjoy: By Freedom Rally, do you mean The Insurrection, sir?
Trump: No, I mean The Great Freedom Rally. That’s how history will record that day. Are you blind or something? Didn’t you watch it for yourself? All those cops flopping? Where are you from, Agnes – are you part of that Sunday morning clown show Meet The Communists?
Look, as far as the police are concerned, I love the ones who voted for me. The ones who didn’t vote for me, not so much, they’re losers. I’m not the kind of President who represents everyone. That’s just stupid, and believe me, I have college board scores you can’t see to prove I’m not stupid.
And besides, isn’t the only way we’re going to beat the Obama Virus is with herd immunity? Right, herd immunity. So why not let all the cops and firemen go out and get all of us to this herd immunity? Get the community a little sick, people get better, they have their antibodies, they go back to work. What’s the big deal?
Mirror-mirror-on-the-wall, who’s the greatest of them all?
So now we officially enter the post-election era of FrankenTrump … after being banned for bad behavior from Twitter and Facebook, Donald Trump has created his very own social media platform called Truth Social, and he’s discovered how to raise money for his 2024 mouthpiece by SPAC-ing himself, a skill he learned from Stormy Daniels.
What a surprise, don’t you think?
Donald Trump coming back on social media?
And from what they say, apparently he isn’t a good loser.
Here’s what’s in store for us – the man who was impeached and banished from the Washington tribe is quickly clawing his way back into the spotlight. And he’s doing it with two politically-charged words – truth and social. Truth Social … as in I’ll protect you from socialism. All this while attempting to create a platform from which his rabid followers can feed, as he simultaneously trolls for fence-sitters, suburbanites, and marginal Democrats. Republicans are far better at politics.
Here’s a possible historical truth we might want to consider. This division in our country has been festering since we achieved our sacred independence from England. When Americans no longer had a common enemy in the British, it didn’t take long for the enemy to become ourselves … and I think we’ve never gotten over that. Essentially, as long as America has existed, there’s been a lot of people who have nothing, eternally pissed off at a lot of people who have something.
Add slavery to that, and you have a mess.
In fact, in a country that professes to respect history yet doesn’t like to teach it, the truth is that after the Declaration of Independence, life in America was no Horatio Alger story. Even omitting the indelible stain of slavery, Americans were massively divided by economic class – the preponderance of the hoi polloi could barely keep their heads above water, while the landed continued to accumulate more property and wealth.
With the voting enfranchisement of democracy as a tailwind, the two economic classes and their votes were eventually absorbed by political parties. One party protected the people who had nothing, the other party protected the people who had something. Now, in the Bush-Obama-Trump-Biden era, politics have taken another major step, morphing into religions. Each political party believes the other party is morally wrong.
Unfortunately, Truth Social or some form of it, is about to make that division wider with a holy war of Fake News, false votes, and despicable Democrats. I’d like to take a shot at going on record to predict the top five stories that will be reported in 2022 by this future bastion of right-wing veracity –
President Trump Claims Pence Came Onto Him
President Falls, Hits Head, and Has Amnesia Before Court Appearance
Have You Ever Really Seen Liz Cheney and Dick Cheney in the Same Room?
Hillary Clinton Went All The Way With Her Gerbil
Melania Trump Signs Sworn Statement that Her Sole Ownership of Trump Tower Has Nothing to do with Keeping Secrets
Good luck, America.
Hermione
December 1, 2021
Reporter Agnes Killjoy
Mr. Trump, you have recently weighed in positively on the mass resignations of police and firemen who refuse to get vaccinated. To clear up any misunderstandings, you’ve been severely critical of police in the past, especially the Washington D.C. police who you called a bunch of wimps. Can you clarify exactly where you stand on the police?
The Mar-A-Lago Response
Trump: First of all, I didn’t call the entire D.C. police force a bunch of wimps, only the ones who went to the Capitol, and I called those guys a bunch of homosexuals, and for good reason. You’re Agnes Killjoy, you worked at Pox once.
Killjoy: Yes, I did, I was an intern in the Pox News division.
Trump: Agnes … you’re the one who called me the bubble boy, right? They tell me that’s you. We’ll discuss that later with my friends from The Ultimate World Order. As far as the Washington D.C. police force is concerned, Agnes … you guys bother me, you reporters … people like you Agnes, you’re nobodies reporting about somebodies, and since you’ll always be a nobody, you need to take down a somebody … I don’t think any of you had mothers, I really don’t.
As far as the Washington D.C. police force is concerned, have you allowed yourself to see that website that shows police in dresses practicing flopping as a crowd control device? Ya gotta see this, it’s pathetic. Losers, all of them, losers. Flopping like that’s going to control anything. They were doing the same thing on January 6th at The Great Freedom Rally, except it was all those Washington A.C.D.C. losers.
Killjoy: By Freedom Rally, do you mean The Insurrection, sir?
Trump: No, I mean The Great Freedom Rally. That’s how history will record that day. Are you blind or something? Didn’t you watch it for yourself? All those cops flopping? Where are you from, Agnes – are you part of that Sunday morning clown show Meet The Communists?
Look, as far as the police are concerned, I love the ones who voted for me. The ones who didn’t vote for me, not so much, they’re losers. I’m not the kind of President who represents losers. That’s just stupid, and believe me, I have college board scores you can’t see to prove I’m not stupid.
And besides, isn’t the only way we’re going to beat the Obama Virus is with herd immunity? Right, herd immunity? So why not let all the cops and firemen go out and get all of us to this herd immunity? Get the community a little sick, people get better, they have their antibodies, they go back to work. What’s the big deal?
The Lemonade Stand
Polly Peepers / family adviceDecember 1, 2021
Hoping For The Best
Dear Polly,
I love your column and share it monthly with my girlfriends. We love that you’re not afraid to speak your mind, and that your advice is always so sensible, even if sometimes it’s outside the box. Well, Polly, I am beginning to feel boxed … and it’s something I can’t share with the girls.
Oftentimes, the girls and I talk about what is a successful relationship? Each of us understands that we have it better than most, yet there is, I must admit, somewhat of an undercurrent of competition as to which marriage is successful and which marriage is not. My minister tells me this is normal, and not to pay attention.
Here’s my problem – I guess I just feel like a liar.
My husband and I argue way more than I let on. And every time the girls talk about successful relationships, I find myself not willing to share what really goes on between the two of us. He’s a good man, he treats me well, but we’re really so different, in the Mars and Venus kind of way. My minister tells me, “… at least he lets you argue with him.” I don’t know, is that really a privilege? I’m beginning to think my minister is a chauvinist, which is why I’m coming to you.
What is the secret? How do my husband and I deal with all of the arguments?
How can I contribute to making this a successful relationship?
It’s really important to me.
Hoping for the Best, Peachwood, Kansas
Dear Hoping for the Best,
The best way I can answer your question is to send along a rarely seen video from friends of mine. He is a Greek Orthodox priest, and she forgives him.
~ Polly
Dear Polly,
Look, I’m a guy, and I don’t normally do this kind of thing, like write and ask for advice. I admit it’s easier than doing it in person, but still, I’m just not that way. Unfortunately, as it turns out, I’m desperate, and the cashier at the University who really understands me has suggested I write to you.
I am divorced and a co-parent of two girls with my first wife. I married again and my second wife who also had a child from a previous marriage, wanted a thousand more children, and unfortunately, I didn’t ask her about that particular subject before we got married. We parted ways when she decided she didn’t appreciate my full-body condom, and she went off and signed up at a sperm bank to have someone else’s kid. I took that as a sign that this relationship wasn’t as long term as I’d hoped.
Anyway, I’ve got these two girls from my first marriage, and their mother has decided to leave town. Not really move out of the county, mind you, but sort of far enough away not to be involved. Her lawyer claims she did her part, giving birth, and that she has HypoDistancia, a disease that apparently allows you to let everyone else take care of your bills.
Polly – I hate writing this stuff about myself. But tell me, I have these girls who need a functional mother. I mean pretty soon they’re going to have you know, that time of the month. And I don’t have siblings to fill in, or the money to hire a Mrs. Doubtfire. I just want to be a good dad. We only have one bathroom.
In Deep Sh*t, Anacortes, Washington
Dear In Deep Sh*t,
There is no existential shovel large enough to make this easy. Let’s begin with what not to do. I wouldn’t advise the desperate path of beating the bushes for a new relationship just to have a role model for your girls. It’s a temptation, I know, but don’t panic. First lick your wounds from your most recent marriage, and then figure out what you’ve learned from the experience. Like proposing to someone you think you know, but not really. I think there’s room for growth there.
You underestimate yourself. Most men do when it comes to nurturing. In fact, I would venture to say you have far more going for you than you might imagine. Young girls want to please the opposite sex considerably more than they want to please the same sex. They are not in competition with you as much as they might be with a mother-figure. In fact, I would suggest to keep your ‘I don’t know what I’m doing’ single father card in your back pocket. It’s your ace.
Ask your girls to help you raise them. Ask for their advice.
Be honest with them as to your fears and vulnerability.
It works well in dating, and equally well in parenting.
And rather than seeking out advice from female friends as to what to do,
seek out advice from single fathers, share their successes and their mistakes.
I guarantee you this – by being honest with yourself and with your girls, they will grow up to love you for the effort you’ve put in, and if necessary, forgive you for the mistakes you have made.
Believing in yourself as a parent is believing in them as your children, and no parent can do more.
Mr. President, you say that the reason we have so many cases of Covid-19 is because we are testing more. Sir, my question is this – if we didn’t test anyone, what would that mean? Would the disease go away?
The Trump Response
I’m glad you asked me that. You’re new here, aren’t you? Get ready for a beautiful answer. Testing is just not as important as it used to be. Most tests are rigged in the first place so that’s one thing. Except the Cogitive Test, the one I recently took which showed that no president has been more cogitive than I am, that’s not rigged … I aced it.
I admit the first question – Are you here? – isn’t that difficult, but the last question was a bear. It’s not that easy to draw one.
All I know is this – testing for Covid is not the answer. In fact, people tell me that it’s very possible some of the tests are contagious. People go in feeling fine, they take the test, and then two days later they’re sick. What gives? What’s with that?
… Next question.
Correspondent Agnes Killjoy
The White House Press Secretary has told us that you have absolutely no animosity concerning Dr. Anthony Fauci, the country’s top epidemiologist. Although the Press Secretary’s pants were on fire at the time, can you corroborate that? And if so, why is Dr. Fauci’s office now on a Filopino island?
The Trump Response
First of all, it’s a gorgeous set-up, like Vegas or something … it’s all class, I insisted on that. He’s got cable, there’s a Wendy’s, he’s got ‘room service’ if you know what I mean, the man could want for nothing. That said, I think this whole thing has become overblown, it’s all fake news … what’s-his-name and I are on excellent terms.
Really, I like short people. And Jews. He’s Jewish, right? Some of my best former friends are Jews. I love them and they love me. And I don’t mind if he’s as intelligent as I am, it doesn’t threaten me one bit. I’ve been there before, I can handle the heat as long as it doesn’t get near my hair – that could go nuclear.
Besides, I’ve seen the director’s I.Q. test – I made Barr give him one. I’m good … the guy who takes my test has him beat. Next question.
Correspondent Killjoy
Please comment on your recent pardon of Roger Stone, your longtime political advisor who admitted under oath that he was lying to a grand jury. Some people have raised concern that you are abusing your power as President. What do you say to that? And what do you say to the people who think this is only the first of many questionable pardons to come?
The Trump Response
Did anyone ever tell you, you look like a monkey? I mean you’re white so I can say that, right? It isn’t racist because you know, you were born here.
Lying is relative. My father taught me that profit is the proof of truth – I’ll never forget when he told me that … I think he was spanking me at the time. In real estate, what one person might call ‘lying’, another might call a negotiating tactic. I think Roger was simply negotiating.
If you ask me, Roger is a victim of those sunglasses he wears. He can’t see crapola. That’s why I fired him. The guy could never see far ahead enough to get a good parking space. But he’s a good soldier, and I like uniforms, I really do. Why can’t civilians have more uniforms like that guy we have who does the health stuff and is called an admiral? How did that happen? An admiral, good for him.
As far as pardoning goes, don’t rule out anything. What I want to know is can you pardon someone before they are charged? That would help a lot. Especially if there’s, you know some kind of fake news investigation of my taxes.
Mr. President, you constantly refer to the media as being fake news. My first question is have you yourself ever participated in spreading fake news? You never reveal your sources, but rather prefer to use the phrase ‘they say.’ Just exactly who are ‘they’? Secondly, isn’t POX NEWS an arm of the media just like CNN? And do the media commentators on POX, such as Sean Vanity and Lou Crabs, merely serve as presidential sycophants to promote your agenda?
The Trump Response
Sycophant. You like big words, don’t you? You’re trying to impress me aren’t you? Well, stop right there … I’m the only one who can impress me. That is all you have to know. My sources? You’re asking me for my sources? That’s a bit of a, that’s, what can I say? That’s a ballsy question isn’t it?
Who is ‘they’ you ask – I go where so much of the rest of America goes for their information. Every morning after Pox and Friends, I read The National Enquirer who do a great job by the way, and then I go to that secret chat room that’s so popular – The White is Right and Vice-Versa Room.
They come up with things no one else ever thought of. Fabulous people, concerned people for the welfare of America – she’s beautiful isn’t she, America? Then I put all that truth right up here (points to head) where the sun don’t shine.
I memorize everything. I memorize menus. I really like menus. You could say I’m drawn to them, but I don’t use crayons, those are kids menus. Menus and the addresses of people who piss me off … they’re etched in my mind.
As far as Sean Vanity and Lou Crabs go, they are well-respected journalists who have won things like the coveted You Can’t Be Serious Award so many times, so many times I forget.
I don’t remember awards unless I get them myself, but Sean and Lou are the real deal. Those aren’t tattoos on my butt – those are their real lip prints. Sean and Lou know the territory. Some people think it should become the fifty-first state.
