Issue 1 / March 27, 2020

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Hermione Luck / Chief Columnist

** before we proceed with the first March issue ever published, featuring Baked News and Amy’s Guide to Staying In, here is a Covid update … November, 2021 **

Now that we have the first twenty-one months of Covid under our belts, it’s very possible that normal has not only left the dock, but most likely, normal will never return. There will be some kind of new normal perhaps, there always is, because we’re told without a normal there’s only chaos, which apparently is not a whole lot of fun.

As Warren Buffet once said, “Low tide reveals who’s not swimming with a bathing suit.” In a similar way, Covid has brought with it a low tide of reality. And so it becomes that in this ocean of chance in which we co-exist, Covid and its army of variants have, my friends, changed everything.

The Covid upheaval has revealed ourselves both to one another and to ourselves … let’s start over with the leaders we choose – these are words from the president of the United States in 2020 …

Jan …  “It’s one person coming in from China and we have it under control”

Feb …  “Counts are going down, not up … fake news.”

Mar … “It’s going to disappear soon it’s like a miracle, it’s going to disappear.”     

May … “This is going to go away without a vaccine.”

Sept … “Masks have their problems too.”

Here is a basic report card as of NOV 1, 2021

  • 772,332 deceased in America
  • 5,049,593 deceased worldwide
  • 249,666,088 reported infections worldwide
  • 99.2% of all recent American deaths unvaccinated

How has American life changed this far into a new age of pandemic? In the cities, subway usage is down 58% and used car sales up 30%. In the rural areas, the home values in Boise have gone up 31%, in Provo 21%.

  • 42% of Americans gained weight.
  • 66% slept less.
  • 25% drank more.
  • Actually, maybe that would’ve happened anyway.

Of course, in this entire mess of statistics, there is one primary statistic that stands above all others … the first Covid vaccine appeared (327) days after identification of the virus. Amen. Before this truly miraculous effort to identify a vaccine, which begs us to believe in science, the previous record to develop a vaccine for an epidemic disease was four years. And so many viruses continue to have no vaccine at all.

The Covid vaccine was no ordinary effort. And now that it’s here, it takes everyone to make it a success. Worldwide, can we be united to face this task? Domestically, is it possible that America isn’t really all racism and guns?

Maybe I have this wrong. Maybe America still aspires to be something more than its contradictions. Maybe America has the courage to be the science and vision of the future, to be proud to present to the world its self-styled elusive ladder of success and idealism. Yes, come to America if you must, but buyer beware.  

No matter which culture we call our own, we are only safe on this transitory planet if everyone is safe … much like none of us make it to Heaven unless all of us make it to Heaven.

I know that’s hard for the 144,000 who believe they are chosen, but salvation begins with the acceptance that no one sits in the front row.




March 27, 2020


Is it safe to get takeout from restaurants?

Yes, but just in case, you may want to wipe down the packaging and containers. The CDC says there’s no evidence to suggest coronavirus is transmitted through food. It’s generally spread through respiratory droplets.

But according to CNN Chief Medical Correspondent Dr. Sanjay Gupta, it’s a good idea to disinfect the takeout containers and wash your hands afterward. He stressed that coronavirus is a respiratory virus, and it’s easy to touch your face without realizing it.

The Trump Response

There is no life without takeout, you know this and so do I. Why tip 5% sitting down to a meal when you don’t have to tip anything at all? That’s why as your soon-to-be re-elected wartime leader, I’ve taken very smart steps, steps that only a very smart person would consider, to remedy the situation.

First of all, rather than increasing unemployment benefits, I and I alone, the buck starts here, have ordered FEMA to make available half a billion Big Macs and two billion KFC extra crispy chicken wings to be distributed throughout the country. Every administration should have a vision and here’s mine – ‘Let them eat wings.’ That should silence the critics who say I’m racist.

And none of this food needs to be sanitized because I am told by experts, top notch people, people with brains, I exclusively hire people with brains – I’m told that these foods already contain chemicals that can kill most anything.

Secondly, I never really liked Chinese food. And I needn’t tell you where this virus came from. So stay away from soy sauce, Moo Shu Pork, Orange Duck, and whatever looks like Chop Suey, and just like me, you’ll be totally safe. You can’t lose with the basics – Burger King, Micky D’s, Wendy’s, White Castle … White Castle, love the name.

How long will we have to keep social distancing?

Probably for several months. But you might have to do it “over and over again,” since the outbreak could come in waves. 

Research by the Imperial College in Great Britain “would suggest you have to institute these kinds of measures for five months, very vigorously,” said Dr. Celine Gounder, an infectious disease specialist at Bellevue Hospital Center. “And then you may be able to relax for a period. Most likely, or at least if necessary, you would re-institute distancing as the cases go up again.”

“But we’re basically looking at doing this over and over and over again, even after a five-month period of strict social distancing, in order to curb cases until we have a vaccine.”

“Health officials say we’re at least a year away from the first publicly available coronavirus vaccine. In the meantime, they say everyone should avoid large crowds and stay at least six feet away from others.”

The Trump Response

C’mon, who thought up this crap? I can tell you honestly, I’ve been a victim of social distancing for most of my life and first of all, it’s not contagious like these quacks maintain.

… believe me, when it comes to social distancing, nobody knows the trouble I seen. And in spite of what the Democrats might tell you, I was the first person to ever speak that phrase. There are so many things I say first to myself.

And by the way, it’s totally fake news that I don’t listen, that I just shake my head at my cabinet members – who work for me in case anyone has forgotten – and then supposedly I do what I want.

So social distance if you want. This politically-driven Covid conspiracy features only one redeemable element – you don’t have to listen to anyone because you’re too far away. But for my money, and I have far more money than you can imagine, it’s beautiful actually, how much money I have

… for my money, social distancing is a crock. And you can take that to the bank.


Amy’s Guide to Staying In

Movies 🎥TV Shows 📺Books 📚
Little Women (Amazon) Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO) Defending Jacob
Bombshell (Amazon) Portlandia (Netflix) Silent Patient
American Factory (Netflix)Schitt’s Creek (Netflix) Truth Be Told
Knives Out (Amazon)Little Fires Everywhere (Netflix)Bad Blood (Non-Fiction)
Peanut Butter Falcon (Amazon)The Morning Show (Apple TV+)Educated (Non-Fiction)

Roasted Garlic Spaghetti Squash Lasagna Boats

Prep Time: 15 MINUTES. Cook Time: 55 MINUTES Total Time: 1 HOUR 10 MINUTES Servings: 6 Calories Per Serving: 307


  • 1 tablespoon extra virgin olive oil, plus more for drizzling
  • 1 head garlic
  • 3/4 pound ground spicy Italian chicken sausage or ground chicken
  • 1 small yellow onion, chopped
  • 1 can (28 ounce) crushed San Marzano tomatoes
  • 1 dried bay leaf
  • 2 teaspoons dried oregano
  • 2 medium spaghetti squash, halved and seeds removed
  • 1/2 cup whole milk or heavy cream
  • 1/4 cup whole milk ricotta cheese
  • 1/2 cup fresh basil, chopped
  • 1/8 teaspoon grated fresh nutmeg
  • 1 1/2 cups shredded fontina cheese or mozzarella cheese
  • 1 cup shredded provolone cheese
  • kosher salt and black pepper
  • fresh thyme and or fried sage leaves, for serving (optional)


1. Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F. Slice off the top portion of the garlic head to expose some of the cloves. Place the garlic on a piece of foil. Drizzle lightly with olive oil and wrap in foil.                         

Transfer to the oven and roast until cloves are lightly browned and tender, about 20 minutes. Let cool, then squeeze the garlic out into a bowl. Mash the cloves with a fork.

2. To make the meat sauce. Heat the olive oil in a large pot over high heat. When the oil shimmers, add the chicken sausage and brown all over, about 5 to 8 minutes. Add onion and cook another 2 minutes.

Reduce the heat to low, add the tomatoes, 1 cup water, the bay leaf, oregano, and a pinch each of salt and pepper.

Simmer for 15 minutes or until the sauce thickens slightly. Remove the bay leaf, stir in the roasted garlic. Taste and adjust seasonings as needed.

3. Meanwhile, poke a few holes into the squash with a fork and place on a plate. Microwave 3 minutes. Let cool slightly, then cut in half lengthwise, scoop out the seeds and discard. 

4. In a medium bowl, mix together the milk, ricotta cheese, nutmeg, and basil. Season with salt and pepper. Stir in 1 cup fontina cheese and 1/2 cup provolone cheese. 

5. Place the squash in a baking dish and season the cut sides with salt and pepper. Sprinkle the remaining fontina cheese into the bottom of each squash, then evenly divide meat sauce among the squash cavities.

Now spoon the milk/cheese mix over the meat sauce. Top with the remaining provolone cheese. Cover the squash loosely with foil. 

6. Transfer to the oven and bake 20 minutes. Remove the foil and continue baking another 15-20 minutes or until the squash is tender and the cheese is golden brown on top. The squash will seem a little soupy, this is OK. 

7. Let the squash sit 5 minutes, then use a fork to scrape the squash into strands, mixing the meat and cheese with the squash. Serve topped with thyme and sage


Issue 2 / April 3, 2020

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kRIS Krankle / guest columnist

founder of M.I.L.D.E.W.  

Men with Intimacy and Learning Disorders Experiencing Women

The Asylum

I’m not sure I can survive this. Not the fact that I’m turning sixty in three months, because I’ve already come to terms with my joints aching, my eyesight failing, and my skin taking on a Mother Teresa look. That’s not the problem.

It’s the pandemic, and the fact that almost my entire family – two of my three kids, a minor bird, my wife, her mother, her mother’s sister, and some freaking aunt I never met who showed up for our one-week family reunion – the fact that the whole lot of them is living with me instead of at a Motel Six where they belong. It’s making me crazy. 

I’m exhausted … it’s now been a day and a half. We’re all quarantined in our house, sort of like Netflix except you’re the plot. The aunt is too old to fly home. Same for my mother-in-law and her sister. Apparently, our hipster son brought home the virus in his beard.

Meanwhile, the wife is telling me – “It’s up to you – you can look at this as either a comedy or a drama”. She’s smarter than I am, so I usually don’t get what she’s saying.

For me, the only good thing about being quarantined among seven people and only three bedrooms is that with my hearing having gone south, I can’t understand half of what’s being said. And if I want my kids to leave the room, I just start talking about my own childhood and having to walk two miles to school with no feet.

It’s nothing personal. I love my family, I do. Sometimes I even like them. But let me make this clear – as far as living with seven people goes – any seven people – I don’t care if you’re Jesus with six strippers, I need my space.  

I think I’m going to kill myself. 

The falling stock market, the sleepless nights, not being able to eat out, watching politicians pontificating their way through the funny house of their self-serving quest to be reelected … and then this self-quarantine with my family for two weeks! No way. And on top of all that, as if someone stole the clothes off my body and then came back for my underwear, there’s no freaking sports on television!

  • No sports. Freaking anywhere.
  • What am I supposed to do? That part is cruel.  

I try to get out of the house, but when I walk down the street, I feel like I’m in this parallel world of people inside their separate transparent bubbles practicing social distance, an odd existence at best. But my M.I.L.D.E.W. therapist reminds me, who am I kidding? I’ve been practicing social distancing for years now. Almost a decade actually.

I’ve never had a cellphone … since my early fifties I’ve eliminated anyone in my life who doesn’t ask questions about me after talking about themselves … and when I go to The Brewhouse, I sit wherever I can be alone. 

So, does life allow me to be alone or socially distant in this pandemic? Of course not. I have to spend two weeks with half of the known gossiping world camped in my living room. The historical meaning of asylum is a refuge or sanctuary … like the hunchback of Notre Dame who was granted asylum within the walls of the church.

In many ways, my garage has been my asylum – I have my tools and my cable in there, and I watch ESPN until I’m ready to go to bed. But now, two of my kids are sleeping in the garage and all they do is binge on Amazon Prime movies, drink diet soda, and eat potato chips.           

  • I think they have a skunk in there too. One who apparently smokes.

When I take into account how many women are roaming throughout my house, there’s no doubt that the concept of asylum and its original lure has evolved into a matter of being quarantined in a mental institution … isn’t that what an asylum used to mean? You know, like major bin material? Which brings up a point – why do immigrants want asylum in the asylum our president has created?

Not that I’m anti-immigration, but why the hell would they want to come here and kiss ass to a two-class society?

So look, I have this sense there are plenty of other men out there who feel the same way that I do. We’re not pretty boys.  We don’t flirt with the economy. We don’t have money to invest. And besides, duh, 99% of the world’s population are bottom-feeders in an ongoing global economic puppet show doing its dance on some ice float of survival. The picture ain’t pretty, my friends.

Have a good day.

April 3, 2020

How long does coronavirus stay “alive” on surfaces?

Up to three days, depending on the surface. According to a study funded by the U.S. National Institute of Health. The virus is viable up to 72 hours after being placed on stainless steel or plastic. It’s viable up to four hours on copper, and up to 24 hours after being put on cardboard. In aerosols, it remains viable for three hours.                                                                      

The Trump Response

Many people have asked me if the coronavirus can stay alive on my comb over. That’s a very good question, and one we all must take seriously.

Let’s face it, if I go down, the whole world goes down. You’d be stuck with Iron-Underwear Mike the Evangelist or gobble-gobble Mitch McConnell. Even worse, you could wind up with Nancy Pelosi who I am told by Pox and Friends sleeps in a coffin. Have you ever noticed the set of eye teeth on that woman?

As far as touching goes, touching is a beautiful thing, a very beautiful thing. My advice to American citizens is touch whatever you want, wherever you want, and whenever it makes you happy.

You don’t have to be famous like me – and believe me, I’m so famous, incredibly so – you don’t have to be famous like me to go around touching things that don’t belong to you.  The world belongs to everyone, everyone … but especially to me.              

If people can spread the virus without showing any symptoms, how can I tell who’s infected and who’s not?

“You can’t”, said Dr. James Phillips, chief of disaster and operational medicine at George Washington University Hospital. “We need to start treating every person as though they have this.”

“And everyone needs to treat us like we have it, and socially distance ourselves in that manner. Because until we have testing, we don’t know who has this. And we’re not sure when they start spreading it.”

That’s why it’s so critical to avoid crowds, stay at least six feet away from others, wash or disinfect your hands, and stop touching your face.

The Trump Response

Knowing who is infected is for fools. I want to get back to the touching thing. This whole not touching your face is cuckoo. We all love touching our faces. More than that, if you ask me, we all love looking at our faces, am I right? 

As far as staying-six-feet-away-from-others, if you ask me, and believe me, people all over the world ask me a lot of things, all over the world.

Actually, it’s amazing the kind of stuff they ask me – is the world going in the crapper? Can I give them twenty bucks? Ivanka’s cup size. You can’t believe what they ask me. But as far as the staying-away-six-feet deal goes, it’s kind of harsh this whole six-feet-thing. Very harsh.

That’s why I don’t want to hear any more complaints about people standing close to me on the podium when we give national updates. I’m tired of the media being on my case for every little thing I do or say, or who I touch when they’re not looking.

In fact, pretty soon, just for the hell of it, I’m going  to order everyone on the podium to touch their face. Actually, maybe I’ll have them all touch my face. Maybe I’ll do that. That would be beautiful, so very beautiful. What a guy I am. People love me.

Besides, who are you going to listen to, some little Italian guy who is a doctor (I’m told he may be Jewish … Italian, Jewish – they all look alike. It’s like Koreans and the Japanese, who the hell knows?)   

Or are you going to listen to the leader of the free world?


Issue 3 / April 10, 2020

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Hermione Luck / Chief Columnist

The Covid crisis has certainly put us back on our heels. Coming into Fall when we’ll begin the migration indoors, we look straight ahead at the specter of winter. The people in the know tell us that this will result in a surge of Covid cases.

We’re being told, by the end of the year, more than 100,000,000 people will have been infected worldwide, and that this almost inconceivable toll most likely will be under-estimated. Of those infected, more than 2,000,000 people will have died, and they say that a quarter of that total will be Americans. It just keeps on coming, doesn’t it? American exceptionalism – We’re Number One!

And just to cheer us up, these same experts tell us that all those horrific statistics could eventually triple before we get a handle on this thing. Meanwhile, back at the White House, our president questions if we can shoot sunlight into our veins to arrest the disease. You can’t make this stuff up.

There are rumors of vaccines of course, but none in sight. There are also conspiracy theories that Covid is a hoax, sort of like the school massacres at Sandy Hook and Parkland. Interesting how the concept of evil finds its comfort zone on both sides of the coin.

In its wake, conspiracists believing they are defending themselves from evil, determined not to wear masks, essentially asking the rest of the world to bend over so they can wave the flag before shoving the flagpole up our behinds.

We have to take this pandemic seriously right now if we are to prevent a worst-case scenario. But what about a year from now in 2021? What about after the vaccine has been discovered?

What about when everyone returns to their jobs, or at least locates the jobs that are left over? What will we do to prevent another pandemic in the future? Can we learn from our mistakes, or are we destined to repeat them?

I have an idea … let’s take a deep dive into one especially vulnerable group of people who die from Covid. I’m talking about rampant obesity and its role in the death totals of the pandemic. There are no official figures yet, but so far it looks like once you factor out the senior citizens, and then the people with underlying diseases, you come to obesity as a primary Covid vulnerability.

  • And who is most likely to be obese? The poor. And why are they likely to be obese? It’s not that they have sh*t for brains, it’s that they eat sh*t for food.
  • What can we do about it? Let’s start with the history of SNAP, the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program.

In the 1940’s, the first legacy food policies were directed at the problem that 40% of military recruits were malnourished and underweight. Government subsidies addressed this incidence of malnourishment with a sense of purpose and self-preservation by creating The National School Lunch Program and general assistance programs such as food stamps.

Unfortunately, this well-meaning effort gave birth to the mass production of highly processed, carbohydrate-oriented convenient food products bringing with it the American birth of caloric obesity. The American diet thus began its pendulum swing, flipping from undernourished to overfed, from labor-intensive whole foods to hollow food products that needed little preparation or cooking time.

And here we are – out of shape, stomachs bulging, behinds taking up two parking spaces, huffing and puffing running after a bag of Cheetos.

Military America is now in a worse recruit situation than in the 40’s. In 2018, a council of retired admirals and generals discovered that 71% of young people between the ages of 17 and 24 did not qualify for military service, and obesity was a primary cause.

You ask what can we do – subsidize food stamps so the poor can shop at Whole Foods? Educate the young as to how a dead-end mortality rate occupies the dark side of obesity? Stop dropping bombs on the rest of the world using the money to drop healthy recipes on the rest of America?

Sure, there a lot of ha-ha’s making the rounds, but one thing is clear – America is eating itself into oblivion. The question is, do we really care?    

Eat what makes you healthy


April 10, 2020

White House Briefing Question 

Mr. President, you have pitted state governors against each other, equated the virus with the common flu, denied there are shortages in critical protective equipment, and refused to take early warning models seriously — leaving states, hospitals and medical staff unprotected and unprepared.

How would you rate your performance to date? Might there be anything you would do differently? 

The Trump Response

How would I rate my performance? How would you rate your question? That’s a nasty question, don’t you think? Would you ask your mother a question like that? It’s a very nasty question.                                                                                 

You understand I’m the President and you’re not. You understand that, right? Raise your hand if you understand that. I don’t see you raising your hand. Do you have a hand? No hand? Are you a cripple or something?

How would I rate my performance? I get beautiful overnight ratings if that’s what you’re asking – the best overnight ratings, higher ratings I’m told than Lincoln or Washington. Better ratings than you I’d bet.

So, my performance … I would give myself a ten. When you get better ratings than I do, get back to me and maybe I’ll give that more thought.

Is there anything I would do differently? Sure, there are plenty of things I’d do differently. Not let you in this room for one thing. I don’t like people like you. You remind me of Eddie Haskell. Do you know who Eddie Haskell is?

Look, this is like a thirty-five-hour-a-week job. Luckily, I can do that in half the time, so it doesn’t really cut into my morning shows, but I can tell you I don’t earn bupkis considering the hours I put in.

  • Do you know what bupkis means?
  • I think it’s Hebrew … or Hawaiian.
  • It’s definitely something with an ‘H’.
  • It means goat turds. A pile of goat turds. A worthless pile of goat turds.

You didn’t know that I speak two languages, did you? You people in the press, in the fake news business don’t know a lot of things about me, a lot of things.

I’m the most open and personable president in history and yet you don’t know squat about me. Squat, from the Latin. That’s three languages.


Issue 4 / April 17, 2020

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Polly Peepers / guest columnist

family therapist

Dear Polly – I will turn fifty-seven in October, and Polly, even though I feel terrible saying this, in some ways I’m done being a parent. And the pandemic has nothing to do with it … well, maybe. My second husband, Otto, who is related to neither of my children said to me recently, “When are you going to kick these bozo children of yours out of the house?”

That’s right, Polly, both of my sons are in their late thirties and they haven’t left home yet. I guess Otto is right – if I expect more, I’ll get more. They have newspaper routes, but that doesn’t seem to pay their bills. They always give us pictures of themselves from photo booths for Christmas. That seems sweet to me.

Polly, please help me. Is it too much to ask to have the house to ourselves? I’ve already accepted waking up to Otto every morning – isn’t that enough?

– Is it fair, Massachusetts

Dear Is It Fair – There is nothing I can tell you that will solve your problem. A sense of humor perhaps, that’s always a dependable refuge. Here are some of my favorite quotes from past readers about parenting their children –

(1) Where was the F.D.A.? Kids should come with label warnings that declare parenting can be hazardous to your health … Mark S, Van Nuys

(2) Children are gone today, here tomorrow – gone today when they’re asked to do chores, here tomorrow when they need a loan … Christine A, Coos Bay

(3) My forty-year-old totally capable adult child has lived at home since he was thirty – I’m so tired of him standing in front of the refrigerator scratching himself. It’s like losing at Old Maid … Lois K. Silver Springs

(4) No child asked to be born … Geraldo R. Gainesville

Is It Fair, the only real comment I can personally share with you is that you can’t eliminate the worry card in your parenting, but you can put limits on your giving … you still have to help clean up on Aisle Six, but you’re no longer the manager of the store – Polly

Dear Polly, Can you answer this question? How can we keep our family from arguing at the dinner table, especially on holidays? I just can’t stand it anymore. My Uncle Don and my Grandpa argue about the same old things and by the time we get to dessert everyone wants to hide in the car.

Grandpa, the engineer, always begins with “What is Art anyway?” Everyone then usually rolls their eyes and realizes we’re all stuck again.  I don’t know Polly, am I supposed to know what Art is? Do you know what Art is? Grandpa thinks it’s all crap and Uncle Don thinks Grandpa is all crap.

This discussion then leads to arguing about what matters in life. Uncle Don is a sixty-year-old bachelor and feels like Grandpa is always implying that anybody who doesn’t have children is worthless. Uncle Don is gay, but he hasn’t told us yet. I’ve decided to become a vegetarian (except for pizzas with pepperoni). Then maybe next holiday, they’ll put me at the vegetarian table with Aunt Lucy and Uncle Burt who fart a lot. With everything going on at the red meat table, what’s a thirteen-year-old girl to do?

– Tired of The Arguing / Malverne, NY 

Dear Tired of the Arguing, First of all, keep Grandpa away from the booze and start feeding him as soon as he steps in the door. Put on music from his generation. Try the Beatles. Do your best to either to fill him with food or to confuse him by asking how much money you owe him.  

If all of that doesn’t work and he begins to really get out of line, interrupt and make a toast to him – make it a very long toast. He’ll soon forget about needing to embarrass Uncle Don.  – Polly


Baked News block

April 17, 2020


How does the coronavirus spread? Correspondent Agnes Killjoy  

What is the administration’s official position on how this disease has been spreading? Are we doing enough to protect ourselves, and where is the administration’s information coming from?

The Trump Response

To answer your question, at the White House we get almost all our information from Jared. Then, what Jared doesn’t know, Ivanka does. According to Jared, Barack Obama was the first person in the United States who had the virus. And he never should have been allowed to be President. Obama contracted the disease in Kenya. So many things start in Kenya.

I’m told that he and some wildlife spread the virus at the 2016 Democratic Convention. Did you see that convention? It was a mess that convention. Many many people I know, good people, red-blooded Americans, have determined that Democrats are the initial carriers of the disease.

These are facts, real facts, amazing facts and they’ve been corroborated by Steve Doocey at Pox and Friends. That’s a big word, corroborated. Big big word. I know a lot of big words. I don’t always use them, but yes, I know a lot of big words. And Steve Doocey is a very fine man. Very fine man. I’m sure there’s a big word to desribe him … I just don’t want to use it.

In fact, Steve proved in a Geraldo Special that the Obama virus is not the boogeyman that you in the Press Corps have made it out to be. He tested negative, very negative, beautifully negative, after risking his life by licking someone’s face who reportedly had the virus. The vicious rumor that this woman didn’t want her face licked is Fake News, very fake. It’s news, but it’s fake.

I can tell you this – Steve Doocey is not the kind of man who licks and tells, but in this case, he summoned the courage, a lot of courage, to go public with his critical research to the benefit of the world he lives in

… the world the virus-carrying Democrats live in. Remember, they’re the ones who paid to fly Obama to Kenya in the first place. The Democrats. Illegal bisexual Chinese Democrats who are voting illegally in our elections and are looking to take your house away.

How does someone safely take care of someone who’s sick?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: With the continued shortage of testing nationwide, it is difficult to know whether your loved one has coronavirus or another illness.  So it’s critical to play it safe and not infect yourself and, in turn, others. The CDC suggests:

  • Giving the sick person their own room to stay in, if possible. Keep the door closed. Having only one person serve as the caretaker.                 
  • Asking the sick person to wear a face mask, if they are able to. If the mask causes breathing difficulties, then the caretaker should wear a mask instead.

The Trump Response

Ya’ got me …

I’ve never taken care of someone else.

Issue 5 / April 24, 2020

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kRIS Krankle / guest columnist

founder of M.I.L.D.E.W.
Men with Intimacy and Learning Disorders Experiencing Women


Can a Marriage Survive a Quarantine?

April 24, 2020

I attended a social distance group at M.I.L.D.E.W. recently and it helped me deal with how the wife and I will approach the next few months of lock-up. And actually, that’s the first thing I learned at group – not to call being sequestered with the wife by the term ‘lock-up’.

I learned a lot at group that day especially from  Reggie who’s always been pretty much different than the rest of us. He attends group because he wants to find a way to teach his wife to be a better communicator. When I first heard him say that, I told him right to his face – “It sounds like she’s the guy and you’re the chick”. I received a group demerit for that.

So Reggie explained that it wasn’t going well in self-quarantine. Actually, that wasn’t true. Reggie’s wife was doing just fine, but Reggie himself was depressed. That is, Reggie was more depressed than his usual somewhat depressed. The group leader, a very fine-looking woman, Dr. Honeydew, asked him why? Reggie was quick to reply.

“It’s hard to explain. It’s a global crisis, right? We’re quarantined. And Peggy, she already has scheduling conflicts … it’s like nothing’s changed for her – she zooms and Facetimes and I just seem to get lost in the shuffle like it’s always been. I thought maybe this might be a time when, you know, when we could get closer or something. When we could communicate.”

  • Dr. Honeydew who most agree is pretty hot, asked Reggie, “What do you want to communicate about?” Reggie responded, “About our feelings.”                        

I almost lost my lunch … meanwhile, everyone else looked at the floor and rolled their eyes. I thought to myself, here we go, another round of poor Reggie, sensitive Reggie, I-want-to-grow Reggie … Nancytime.     

Dr. Honeydew then asked, “Reggie, when you do connect, what do you enjoy talking about?” That sort of struck a chord with me. And it made Reggie pause. He had to search his marriage inventory. So many closets, so few light bulbs.                                

“I don’t know, we hate politicians I guess … we sort of hate them together. And lawyers, definitely lawyers. Our mutual disgust with lawyers brings us closer. Meter maids. I’m not sure anyone likes meter maids.” The doctor shook her head in a circular motion strategically signaling both yes and no, a graduate school move to make the client feel that the therapist understands.

“An’ I guess how stupid people seem to be,” Reggie confessed “that seems to bring both of us comfort. We definitely like that a lot.” How stupid everyone else is. Classic. I’d seen this before in group. This was red meat for the doctor. ”What do you mean how stupid people seem to be? Explain that to me, Reggie.” Due to the doctor’s  major cleavage, no one saw Reggie shrugging his shoulders.                                                     

“I don’t know … it’s like a lotta people are way more stupid than we imagined … it’s probably always been that way. I just didn’t notice it so much. I guess it’s just with the pandemic and everything, I’ve realized Peggy doesn’t need me, like at all. She’s totally self-sufficient. She might miss me in the beginning if I go down with the virus, but if push came shove … she really likes being by herself.” Reggie ended there.

In the beginning, looking at Reggie the whole time I’m thinking to myself – crimony, get a pair of huevos will ya? Yet as Reggie droned on as only Reggie can, I began to realize it was like some tune you couldn’t get out of your head … like Neil Sedaka or something, and as the group went on, I began to ask myself that same stupid question over and over again – does the wife need me or not? It was weird because it was a question I’d never asked before.

Of course, the science nerd of the group, Chad, raised his hand and par for the course, he told us something no one wanted to hear. He began with “In crisis, for humanity to survive, it’s best if the females totally outnumber the males.

“Theoretically you only need maybe five males to inseminate the world. You need far more females. Otherwise, repopulating would be way too slow and peter out.” I thought to myself, peter out, well-played Chad. 

Sure, I could go deep and ask myself does the wife really need me … I could if I wanted. Unfortunately, she earns more than I do, so I do admit asking that question is a little intimidating from a guy point of view.

I could answer she needs me in a dark alley, you know, for protection. Most men are good for protection – it’s a property issue. But does she need me in the way Reggie is saying?

Sure, just like Reggie’s wife, she’d miss me if I wasn’t around, you know like to watch chick movies on Netflix with her, but she’s one of those women who always has things to do and places to go. The only place I have to go is pretty much to the john and sometimes when I’m in a rush to get there, she’s in the way.

So as it turned out, the moral of the story and that group is I must admit I have to give Reggie credit for making us all think that day. And leave it to the good doctor to sum it up for the peanut gallery – she’s really good at knowing when an hour is over.

“Reggie, it’s o.k. to be vulnerable, to want to be needed or to need someone else yourself. All people need to be needed and that vulnerability is the raw material and glue that binds us all.” When I got home from group, the wife explained what all that meant. Good for Reggie.

Baked News block

April, 2020


Question from reporter Agnes Killjoy

“Walmart reports that there have been five phases  of panic-buying in their stores – hand sanitizers, then toilet paper, followed by spiral hams, baking yeast, and currently a run on hair dye. Would you care to comment on the issue of panic-buying?

The Pence Response


Vice President Mike Pence in a soft-spoken voice to the media – “I am here to tell you that no president has done more for the perception of good hair than this president. He could wear a hat, sure he could. But that’s not Donald Trump.

“I am proud to serve this man and will do so as long as it remains in my power to bend over and receive his blessing. I want to encourage the American people – there’s no need to panic. Heed your President. He wants the best for you. Think of it this way – what is the worst thing that can happen? You get the virus, you succumb to it, and you go to Heaven, a place where there is no rent, no lines, no blame, and no abortions.

“And as far as ‘panic-buying’ goes, let me assure you the president stands by his word – like he said for the world to hear, ‘I do give a crap about toilet paper’. And similar to the virus tests, I can assure you that we have more than enough toilet paper to go around, and plenty of gentle lubricant I may add.

“And what’s the harm having fun, going out and t’p’ing your neighbor’s house once and awhile? It takes the edge off of being celibate. You’re in good hands with our blessed leader, a leader for the ages, a leader with sterile hands, big hands.” The Vice-President bows his head to his staff’s applause. Only the health care officials remain on stage as the Vice-President leaves the podium.

Follow-up question / Ms. Killjoy


“Dr. Fauci – is it true that the President is dissatisfied with you at this point in the crisis?”

Dr. Anthony Fauci proceeds to the microphone

“He’s gone right? Both of them, they’re not here.  Pence and Trump? … You have no idea. Look, I want to tell all of you who have come to this briefing session, that I am being held against my will. I know you think this can’t happen in America, but it is happening right here in front of you, to me.

“The man in charge is a raving lunatic. Whatever I say into his left ear comes out the right ear like prime rib processed into baloney. Regarding this whole pandemic, all of us are far more over our heads than anyone could imagine. And from all that I can tell – this pandemic will not go away after just one round. Or a second round. I need to tell you that.

  • And if you don’t see me again
  • … follow the money.”


Amy’s Guide to Staying In


MoviesTV ShowsBooks
Bad Education
(Apple TV+)
The Kind Worth
Tiger King
Everybody Lies
The Lovebirds
Dead to Me
Kid DetectiveHuge in France
Homo Deus
The Last Cruise
(HBO Max)
When They See Us
The Dutch House
I Care a Lot
The Politician
The Night Circus

Cody & Mary’s

Lemon Ginger Kombucha

*** Ingredients ***

Primary Fermentation

  • 1 Scoby
  • 1 gallon fermenting jar 
  • Medium saucepan
  • 8 cups filtered water
  • 1-1 ¼ cup sugar
  • 10-12 tea bags of black tea (to taste)
  • Coffee filter or cheesecloth
  • Rubber band

Secondary Fermentation

  • 2-4 teaspoons ginger to taste (or any juice)
  • (10) lemons to taste (or any juice) 
  • (6) 16 0z bottles
  • Funnel
  • [Optional) tea steeper (for ginger) 

Primary Fermentation

Boil 8 cups of water in saucepan. Add tea (10) teabags or (2) 2 ½ tablespoons of loose black tea to taste). Must have mostly black tea, other teas can be added for flavor, but culture needs black tea to ferment. Steep tea to desired taste or recommended on teabag. Stir in sugar.

Reduce sweetened tea to 80 degrees or to room temperature. Pour sweetened tea into fermenting jar. Add filtered water to tea mixture to top of jar.

Pour SCOBY with starter liquid on top of cooled tea (liquid must be below 80 degrees or SCOBY will die).

Put coffee filter over top of jar and secure with rubber band and put in a cool dark place to ferment. Fermenting can last 7-20+ days, ferment to taste; over time the kombucha will taste more sour and eventually turn into vinegar.

Taste after 7 days and every other day until desired flavor is reached.

Secondary Fermentation

Once the Kombucha has reached optimal taste, it is time to bottle. With clean hands, put the SCOBY and baby SCOBY (separately) into glass jars with 2 cups of the tea, they can both be used for future batches.

It is now time add juice to the Kombucha for flavor and to add carbonation. Rule of thumb is 15-20% juice to 85-80% Kombucha.

For lemon ginger tea, put 2-4 teaspoons of ginger into teabags or tea steeper and put into 1 cup of hot water. Add juice of 8-10 lemons to taste. Use funnel to pour lemon-ginger mix into each of the 6 bottles to 15-20% of the bottle.

 Use funnel to pour Kombucha to 1-2 inches before top of bottle. Secure top and store for 7-30 days until desired carbonation is reached.n


Issue 6 / May 1, 2020

Lemonade-Stand banner

Hermione Luck / Chief Columnist


What bothers me today is the day-care approach that Republican politicians use to foster allegiance with the conspiracy sect in their ranks. These politicians feed from the trough of easy votes by just diapering the problem and letting it stink.

Look, there will always be 25% of America in need of therapy or in the minds of some Democrats, a segment of America in need of lobotomies. Without conscience and at the altar of gerrymandering, Republicans have skillfully offered sanctuary to capture the allegiance of this voting block.

This solid 25%, many of whom have drenched themselves in far-flung conspiratorial rhetoric, can’t help themselves. They are livid because they are on the wrong side of the hourglass and they feel time has run out … on themselves, on their families, on their dreams. They are mostly undereducated white men who are faithful adherents of two of the more overlooked parts of the Cub Scout Honor Code – to be loyal and reverent. Loyal to their projectile paranoia, and reverent to their right to have equal access to wealth and power.                                                               

I think we’re in the middle of a slippery slope, my fellow Americans. From the country that still debates the JFK assassination, that still obsesses whether the moon landing took place in Burbank, a country that hasn’t fully decided if Obama was born in Hawaii or Kenya, we have people allowed to vote believing the following conspiracy theories –

… Bill Gates has put microchips in the Covid vaccine to control the minds of the entire world

… Lizard aliens can make themselves appear human and are manipulating the world which apparently explains why Elon Musk has antennas on his head

… the school killings at Parkland and Sandy Hook never happened, the Holocaust didn’t happen, and the government controls the weather

… Bin Laden lives. On orders from the government, Navy Seals covered up the failed attempt

… Covid masks make children easier to kidnap, and spreads the disease geometrically

… vaccines will change a person’s genetic code, and can cause impotence for men who think with their penises                                                                                     

Perhaps more disturbing is a possible insurrection from the far right with their blueprint directly in front of our eyes. In 1978, William Luther Pierce wrote a book called The Turner Diaries which outlined how ‘patriots’ could overthrow the government.

Among its suggestions? The book coined the phrase ‘the day of the rope’ where patriots would storm Congress, go after elites, after which journalists and members of Congress would be publicly hanged. Timothy McVeigh sold copies of this book at gun shows in the nineties.

So what can we do about all this? In the 1800’s, Native Americans on the plains dealt with violence within their culture in an interesting way. Anthropologists are fascinated by the fact that murder and violence within these tribes were virtually non-existent. Scholars attribute this to important roles being assigned to tribal deviants.

For instance, homosexuals became herbal doctors, thus balancing the power of the position with the tribal discomfort of their sexuality. For sociopaths (akin to our own skinhead conspiracists), the position of Contrary Soldier was created.  

These members of the tribe rode backwards into camp, said yes meaning no, and washed with sand and dried with water. The punishment for murder or violence within the tribe was banishment. Unfortunately, it isn’t likely that the Native American approach to preventing violence would work well in a country such as ours.

I guess that only leaves us with going back to the old days when life was simpler, and we could get what we needed at the corner market.

Practice safe friendship



Baked News block

May 1, 2020


White House Briefing / Agnes Killjoy


Mr. President, you have recently been quoted as saying there already exists a number of possible cures for the coronavirus. You’ve mentioned Lysol, sunlight, and chloroquine among the remedies for this pandemic.

There is also speculation that you are currently leaning to a new and possibly revolutionary solution to the problem. Can you expand on this subject?

The Trump Response


Let me tell you, I can expand on almost anything. I really can. I love to expand … in so many ways I can expand. You have no idea.

First of all, let’s deal with Lysol – look, I don’t like needles. Who wants to shoot themselves up, all those tiny holes? They say people can leak with a lot of holes … no one wants to leak.

But Lysol, how can you beat Lysol? It’s been around for like a hundred years, right Mike? (Vice-President Michael Pence nods and licks himself.)

And as for sunlight, like they say on television, orange is the new black, baby, the new black. That’s why colored people love me – I’m orange, they’re black, and some are brown, they’re all who knows what? It’s all a new political rainbow, and I’m their pot of gold.

Now chloroquine, have any of you tried it? I think I’d try something first before I say it doesn’t work. Why be so negative? The whole lot of you, really so negative. I don’t understand why there’s so much controversy about this when no one really knows anything. Fake news.

That’s where I come in – when no one really knows anything. I’m good at it. And the Democrats, if they don’t believe in chloroquine, why do they tell me to take it myself? To take a lot of it. I don’t get it?  

As for the new announcement, yes, I do have a new announcement. It’s a very very big announcement, a beautiful announcement. I haven’t cleared this yet. (Dr. Anthony Fauci winces) but who doesn’t love Jell-O? That’s right, think about it – all these people go into the hospital, right? And most of them come out pretty good, really good.

Their lungs, their lungs are fine, and I’m thinking to myself, what do all these people have in common besides both their lungs? I guess they also have two eyes, most of them. And two legs. Alright, almost all of them have a lot in common.

But they’ve all been served Jell-O and now they’re better. The ones who didn’t make it were too sick to eat Jell-O.

You see, sometimes it’s so very really simple. It doesn’t take a genius my friends, but if you need a genius, I can guarantee you that I come from good stock, very good stock … we’re all on board up here in the old noggin. (The President of the United States points to his head.) Maybe history will remember me for “Let them eat Jell-O” instead of wings.

  • That might become a famous statement someday… very famous. Any more questions? I give famous answers.

Issue 8 / May 22, 2020

Lemonade-Stand banner

Polly Peepers / guest columnist family advice


Dear Polly, I’m no different than anyone else, Polly – this really sucks. And I’m not sure I can handle it any more …   I mean my boyfriend and I are cool. At least, so far we are. We’ve only been living together since New Year’s Eve – I guess I agreed to a lot of things that night.

So what do I do? How do I keep from going crazy, you know, if all this stay-in-place stuff goes on until the end of the month or something? What’s your advice – Stuck Without Tires, Chevy Chase, Maryland

Dear Stuck Without Tires, The first thing I can suggest to you is be prepared to put on your big-girl pants because this virus is not going away anytime soon. Life has changed for years. That’s what I would term the bigger picture.

Regarding the intermediate picture, living with your boyfriend is a very big step. If you haven’t dialed this in by now, all live-in relationships require a bevy of learn-on-the-job skills with no tried-and-true formula for success … you adapt as you go.

This is even more important in a pandemic quarantine where the challenges of personal chemistry and intimacy are heightened. Any successful relationship basically involves the exact same dance – doing your best to listen, developing the skill to be patient, not trying to change anyone, and remembering to have fun.

As for the shorter term, I think the most important thing to understand in these difficult times is the importance of organization and perspective. I’d like you to consider some basic guidelines that may be of help in place:

1. laziness – laziness can be a sign of depression – be on the lookout for not taking your clothes off for bed at night, showering in the morning with your clothes on, or eating out of cans. These are probably red flags. So is bringing the garbage container inside the house to eliminate making trips going outside.

2. indulgence – it’s so easy to lose our way or focus while we’re in-place. We are a culture that worships rewards, and when we find ourselves quarantined, it’s hard not to fall into a system where we reward ourselves for completing minimal acts, like showering … one note of concern – if you’re binge-watching the wall, pull back on the pot.

3. the scale – relocating your bathroom scale far under your bed is probably not a good idea. Remember, Hershey bars are not a source of protein and for best results, weigh yourself in the morning and not at night. 

4. naps – limit naps to no more than one per hour. If you’re sleeping more in the day than you are at night, you might consider thirty-six hours straight of binge-watching Game of Thrones before trying to sleep through the night again.

5. dating – if you’re in place with a partner, try a special ‘date night’ – dress up, put on make-up, and meet in the back yard. Of course, meeting in the backyard can offer a number of role-playing opportunities … like pretending you’re meeting for the first time.

6. chores – an interesting thing about doing chores in captivity is it’s no longer the wild, wild west of freedom and endless options. What will you do with your allotted space? Will you conquer it, or will it conquer you?

Completing chores is a definite component of good mental health. For depressed patients, clinicians commonly suggest making a list every morning and checking it off every night. Slam dunks like getting out of bed are allowed on the list. The prize is the sense of accomplishment. 

7. news – this is a tough one … do you really want to know everything? Though this may give you a sense of security and help you pass the time in place, the more likely outcome is that you become saturated, bloated, and burdened by it all. Live your own life, not the media’s.


… so, Stuck Without Tires, my advice remains simple –

first of all, in any relationship, in place or not, never go down the dead end of trying to change someone if there’s conflict. That’s a priori.

When you’re done with accepting this required premise, proceed with developing the skills of survival – once again, being patient, learning to listen, and remembering to have fun. Hopefully, your boyfriend wants to achieve these goals as well. Accept that any meaningful relationship in any circumstance is a challenge to keep open and fresh.

And while you’re at it, turn off your addiction to CNN and Me-Tube … it may be time for a cosmic timeout to reassess things on a number of levels.        – Polly


Baked News block

May 22, 2020


White House Pox News Briefing Session


Mr. President, Lou Crabs here from Pox News – you’ve convincingly compared yourself to Abraham Lincoln a number of times, including how you’ve been treated by the media and how you would do in a head-to-head ratings contest. Can you tell us what it might be like if the two of you met?

The Trump Response 


Lou, think about it … don’t hurt yourself, but think about it.

Lincoln and I could have been brothers, not in the black people way, but in a more, how can I say this without getting crucified – in a more Christian way. I’m pretty sure we have a lot in common. Neither of us really enjoys going to plays, that’s one thing. For another, few people know that Lincoln had orange body hair. That’s right, really really orange, all over except his head. And we’re both to-die-for family men.

Each of us dreams about our daughters a lot, a real lot, which is weird for Lincoln because he didn’t have a daughter. All boys. Now that I think of it, what’s with that? We have a few differences – he got depressed a lot and looking at his wife, no wonder. How’d you like to wake up to that every morning?

Me, I don’t have time to get depressed with my full t.v. schedule and all, but boy do I miss the good ole’ days, especially The Dean Martin Show, where he pretends to be high all the time. And all those beautiful women. Who cares about the brains part?

You ask about me and Honest Abe going head-to-head? I know I’d have some definite make-up tips to suggest to him even if we were on the opposite side, but we’d kill on t.v.. Boy, the two of us on national television, probably every station. That would be, those would be some big beautiful ratings, better than wrestling I bet.

You don’t get those kinds of ratings by just walking onstage. There’s a lotta prep, a lotta prep – naptime, a push-up, KFC, a lot more than you think, those things to get ready.

And there’s so much I could teach him – like walls. I don’t think he gets it, the wall idea. A wall could have saved so many lives back then in what was it, the Civil War right? A pretty big war, that one, the Civil War. That’s what they tell me.

Together, I’m very certain – I love to be very certain and I’m good at it – I’m very certain that our show would make everyone feel better. We’d bring back those important times, those good times every misses.

There were good times back then too, right? Except for the bullet part. So I think a meeting between two of the greatest presidents of all time, not including Putin, would be drop down best t.v. ever … and besides, who needs him alive? They can do that right? I think it’s called a hello-gram. I know it’s not a candy gram. I knew a girl once named Candy Graham. She was very nice to me.

  • Where do I sign? Abe and me? No one would touch us.
  • We could call it Trump and Friend.

Issue 9 / May 29, 2020

Lemonade-Stand banner

Hermione Luck / Chief Columnist


Recently, I was sent an article by a psychiatrist friend that piqued my interest. The article, authored by Reed Berkowitz, is a fascinating look at how conspiracy theories can be part of a bigger trend wherein life is literally becoming a video game.

Those of you who read me regularly know that I’m not a bigtime fan of video games. Aside from the huge screen time issues and what this might be doing to the brain, my main concern has always centered on the abundance of violence these video games can suggest, especially for young boys.

 I now have an equally pressing concern for how the spread of conspiracy theories often reflects the same rabbit hole and the dangerous alchemy of infusing reality with fantasy.

A conspiracy theory often begins by trying to create the fog of war. It makes people heroes by attaching itself to heroic goals like saving the republic from the elites, or the children from the pedophiles. It begins with a series of statements that could be true, as in most anything could be true. And then, with a community of like-minded support, it graduates from ‘maybe’ to ‘probably’ to ‘pretty sure’ to ‘that’s a fact’.

Berkowitz is an alternative reality game creator, specializing in video games that are commonly called ARGs and LARPs. These group games start on a computer and finish in the real world. They are pre-planned experiences adorned with rabbit holes where the deeper you go, the more you find out. They are exciting and provocative.

With Q and his conspiracy motherlode, recruitment to the cause hinges on going down similar rabbit holes depending upon a phenomenon called “apophenia”, perceiving a connection or meaningful pattern between unrelated or random things. Here is a simplified example of that occurrence. Berkowitz writes of creating an ARG which brought people to a specific location, a basement where something was hidden.

Unbeknownst to him, there were small wood scraps on the floor of that basement which formed a perfectly shaped arrow, and these arrows pointed to a blank wall in the basement. The participants in the game decided that the arrow was related to the solution and to the final truth of the game.

The participants then found what they believe was a second clue – tools nearby the wall. They concluded that the object they sought was behind the wall, and this became their truth, even though it remains behind the wall, and would so remain.

The spread of conspiracy theories relies on a ‘breadcrumb trail’ which puts a rumor or thread of truth out there, and then encourages people to run with it. Along the way, numerous unrelated observations are folded in.

The community echo chamber in which conspiracy proponents live invariably goes viral. The truth of the exercise is not discovering the story, but creating it. Berkowitz postulates that when someone actually comes to embracing this ‘truth’, there’s a sense of accomplishment and relief similar to what many psychologists call the ‘aha moment’.

Research suggests that this experience can release a pleasant flow of the neurotransmitter dopamine … no wonder conspiracies are so popular. The new drug of the masses.

Let’s make our own conspiracy – let’s postulate that doctors give you Covid. Let’s create our own trail of breadcrumbs. You go to the doctor without symptoms because your adult children insist that you should be checked for Covid.

After an examination, you find out you don’t have Covid. Two weeks later you get Covid without contact with anyone except at the grocery store.  How did you possibly come down with the virus?

For years, you’ve been reading a number of random articles about how the elite are conniving to rule the world, and you realize that doctors are part of the elite … strike one. Then you remember that the doctor took a swab sample from your nose and he could have put anything up your nose while he was in there … strike two.

Then another random fact is added – a lot of doctors are either Jewish, immigrants, or minorities … strike three. You proceed to go into a chat room to share your discovery. All the random facts that support your discovery seemingly validate pre-existing fears – that the elites are taking over, that Jews have always pulled the strings, that minorities are part of the plot.

Once your discovery makes the rounds on the Net, it morphs into a conspiracy – that your Jewish doctor with the black wife gave you Covid. For my part, I’m not sure what is worse – doctors giving you Covid or life becoming a video game. This I do know … brace yourself. The ride is far from over                                               

 – Hermione


Baked News block

May 29, 2020


White House Briefing

Correspondent Agnes Killjoy


Mr. President, you constantly refer to the media as being fake news. My first question is have you yourself ever participated in spreading fake news? You never reveal your sources, but rather prefer to use the phrase ‘they say.’ Just exactly who are ‘they’?

Secondly, isn’t POX NEWS an arm of the media just like CNN? And do the media commentators on POX, such as Sean Vanity and Lou Crabs, merely serve as presidential sycophants to promote your agenda?                                                                                 

The Trump Response


Sycophant. You like big words, don’t you? You’re trying to impress me aren’t you? Well, stop right there … I’m the only one who can impress me. That is all you have to know.

  • My sources? You’re asking me for my sources?
  • That’s a bit of a, that’s, what can I say?
  • That’s a ballsy question isn’t it?

Who is ‘they’ you ask – I go where so much of the rest of America goes for their information. Every morning after Pox and Friends, I read The National Enquirer who do a great job by the way, and then I go to that secret chat room that’s so popular – The White is Right and Vice-Versa Room.

They come up with things no one else ever thought of. Fabulous people, concerned people for the welfare of America – she’s beautiful isn’t she, America? Then I put all that truth right up here (points to head) where the sun don’t shine.

I memorize everything. I memorize menus. I really like menus. You could say I’m drawn to them, but I don’t use crayons, those are kids menus. Menus and the addresses of people who piss me off … they’re etched in my mind.

As far as Sean Vanity and Lou Crabs go, they are well-respected journalists who have won things like the coveted You Can’t Be Serious Award so many times, so many times I forget.

I don’t remember awards unless I get them myself, but Sean and Lou are the real deal. Those aren’t tattoos on my butt – those are their real lip prints. Sean and Lou know the territory. Some people think it should become the fifty-first state.


Issue 10 / Aug 1, 2020

Lemonade-Stand banner
Baked News block

Aug 1, 2020


White House Briefings

Correspondent Agnes Killjoy


Mr. President, you say that the reason we have so many cases of Covid-19 is because we are testing more. Sir, my question is this – if we didn’t test anyone, what would that mean? Would the disease go away?

The Trump Response


I’m glad you asked me that. You’re new here, aren’t you? Get ready for a beautiful answer. Testing is just not as important as it used to be. Most tests are rigged in the first place so that’s one thing. Except the Cogitive Test, the one I recently took which showed that no president has been more cogitive than I am, that’s not rigged … I aced it.

I admit the first question – Are you here? – isn’t that difficult, but the last question was a bear. It’s not that easy to draw one.

All I know is this – testing for Covid is not the answer. In fact, people tell me that it’s very possible some of the tests are contagious. People go in feeling fine, they take the test, and then two days later they’re sick. What gives? What’s with that?            

… Next question.

Correspondent Agnes Killjoy


The White House Press Secretary has told us that you have absolutely no animosity concerning Dr. Anthony Fauci, the country’s top epidemiologist. Although the Press Secretary’s pants were on fire at the time, can you corroborate that? And if so, why is Dr. Fauci’s office now on a Filopino island?

The Trump Response


First of all, it’s a gorgeous set-up, like Vegas or something … it’s all class, I insisted on that. He’s got cable, there’s a Wendy’s, he’s got ‘room service’ if you know what I mean, the man could want for nothing. That said, I think this whole thing has become overblown, it’s all fake news … what’s-his-name and I are on excellent terms.                               

Really, I like short people. And Jews. He’s Jewish, right? Some of my best former friends are Jews. I love them and they love me. And I don’t mind if he’s as intelligent as I am, it doesn’t threaten me one bit. I’ve been there before, I can handle the heat as long as it doesn’t get near my hair – that could go nuclear.

Besides, I’ve seen the director’s I.Q. test – I made Barr give him one. I’m good … the guy who takes my test has him beat. Next question.

Correspondent Killjoy


Please comment on your recent pardon of Roger Stone, your longtime political advisor who admitted under oath that he was lying to a grand jury. Some people have raised concern that you are abusing your power as President.

What do you say to that? And what do you say to the people who think this is only the first of many questionable pardons to come?

The Trump Response

  • Did anyone ever tell you, you look like a monkey?     
  • I mean you’re white so I can say that, right?                 
  • It isn’t racist because you know, you were born here.

Lying is relative. My father taught me that profit is the proof of truth – I’ll never forget when he told me that … I think he was spanking me at the time. In real estate, what one person might call ‘lying’, another might call a negotiating tactic. I think Roger was simply negotiating.

If you ask me, Roger is a victim of those sunglasses he wears. He can’t see crapola. That’s why I fired him. The guy could never see far ahead enough to get a good parking space. But he’s a good soldier, and I like uniforms, I really do. Why can’t civilians have more uniforms like that guy we have who does the health stuff and is called an admiral? How did that happen? An admiral, good for him.

As far as pardoning goes, don’t rule out anything. What I want to know is can you pardon someone before they are charged? That would help a lot. Especially if there’s, you know some kind of fake news investigation of my taxes.


Amy’s Guide to Staying In



Updated Master List of Recommendations

MoviesTV ShowsBooks
Little Women
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Defending Jacob
Silent Patient
American Factory
Schitt’s Creek
Truth Be Told
Knives Out
Little Fires Everywhere
Bad Blood
Peanut Butter Falcon
The Morning Show
(Apple TV+)
Bad Education
(Apple TV+)
The Kind Worth Killing
Tiger King
Everybody Lies
The Lovebirds
Dead to Me
Troup Zero
Huge in France
Homo Deus
Palm Springs
When They See Us
The Dutch House
The Politician
The Night Circus
Friends from College
Defending Jacob
(Apple TV+)
The Last Dance
Truth Be Told
(Apple TV+)

Issue 11, Labor Day 2020

Lemonade-Stand banner

A debate we’d like to see

Donald Trump vs. Kamala Harris


Moderator – Tonight, Mr. President, it is your turn to answer our three questions, and Senator Harris, it is your turn to offer a one-minute rebuttal to each of his three answers. I will proceed with the first question.

Mr. President, what do you believe are your greatest achievements of the past four years?

Donald Trump – I’m surprised you don’t know them … I don’t think there’s any question that as President of the United States and may I say we’re more united than ever, it just doesn’t look that way … I’ve presided over the four most beautiful years, in spite of what Phony Kamala says, in the history of our nation, in the history of the world even … no one before has ever done what I’ve done to this country.

Look at the stock market – it’s going up even though people say the virus is going up too. Who are you going to invest in – me and the stock market, or the virus and Fauci? That’s a no-brainer. And besides, brains are overrated.

Really, who can blame me for the virus? Was I supposed to see that coming? I mean I’m good and all, but really, I get no Kennedy, I get no Kennedy.

Kennedy got all this applause for recruiting the best and the brightest, but I get all this grief for recruiting the best and the whitest – look at my cabinet. Bill Barr, there’s never been an Attorney General with more to gain.

Betsey DeVos – education will never be the same if we can keep her doing what she’s doing … and the postmaster general, love my generals, he’s more on the ball than anyone really thinks … and look what I’ve done to the Supreme Court.

I agree with Kavanaugh – a woman should have the right to booze. I’m all for it, but if you get knocked up, don’t blame the other guy.

  • Moderator – Your time is up Mr. President.           
  • Senator Harris, your response. You have one minute.

Kamala Harris – You’re right about one thing you just said, Mr. President – no one’s ever done what you’ve done to this country. Who are we kidding? The self-congratulation, the bloated ego? You’re just a simple trust fund baby who’s trying his best to make the world his personal piggy bank.

You’re a power-monger who loves and cultivates sycophants like Barr and DeVos who want to be on the gravy train. All three of you have less in common with the rest of America than anyone in this room or anyone in sight.

And for the record, we have two viruses to battle in America – one is biological, and the other is political. If you actually can punch into that self-proclaimed genius of yours, connect the dots. You, Barr, and Devos have acted like the three stooges, and the American people are the ones with pie in the face.   

Let me set the record straight – you have reigned not presided, Mr. President. You have insulted our intelligence and subverted our confidence. You have chosen to tear down, with no idea how to build up.

You have embarrassed us in front of the rest of the world. Your total lack of humility reveals an obvious absence of self-esteem … that is your legacy, Mr. President, and it is far from a notable achievement.


Moderator – Mr. President, there’s been talk of creating a national monument to be called Mt. Trumpmore located in a state that voted for you in 2016. Is that something in which you have interest?

Donald Trump – I don’t know, how long do you have to sit for something like that? Sure, I’ve heard that same groundswell about Trumpmore, I have no idea who started that at my address, I wasn’t there that day, I was on the golf course.

Branding has always come naturally to me. Someone suggested that I put a replica of my head on the top of Trump Tower. I looked into it, but it made me look like I had skinny legs …

No, I have no real opinion of whether they should do a Mt. Trumpmore, except that it would be a wonderful thing for America.               


Moderator Senator Harris, your response.

Kamala Harris : You gottta be kidding me … is your sense of yourself so fragile, so needy, that you need your face on the side of a mountain in order to confirm your existence? And who’s gonna pay for this, Mexico?

Mt. Trumpmore – what a great way to spend America’s hard-earned tax dollars and to lift up our spirits. A face on the side of a mountain reminding us of you.


Moderator You have stated that Senator Harris may or may not be qualified to be Vice-President because she isn’t legally an American resident. Would you please elaborate on this.

Donald Trump – I don’t know, can Kamala Harris – how do you say that name? Foreign names are hard for me … I read somewhere that she was born in like commie China and they shipped her overnight, Fed Ex probably, to some homeless shelter in California and she claims she was born there.

A lot of people tell me that. A lot, a very lot. Supposedly, and don’t quote me on this unless you want to, but her parents were operating an illegal child adoption ring out of a pizza parlor and got stuck with adopting her themselves … that’s from QAnon, good people.


Moderator – Senator Harris, your response,

Senator Harris – How dare you? First of all, it just amazes me that people allow you to bully them. Why do you need to do that? No really, why do you need to do that? Calling people derogatory names, using other people’s horrible lies so you can wiggle out of your own lies.

The world is not about a fourth-grade bully in charge of the playground. Times are about to change Mr. President – the playground is taking over. People have had enough … you better get used to being called a loser, because there’s no way in hell you’re gonna be reelected.


Moderator – Final statements, Mr. President.

Donald Trump – Look at me, do I look like someone you can’t trust? I have money, a hot daughter, we’ve stacked the Supreme Court so we can contest any election that has been stolen, and think about it, who could be better at making America great than me?     

  • I do ‘great’ really, really well.                                         
  • I’m the only one who can make America great again.
  • Don’t we want things like they always were –                   
  • no harm, no foul? What’s wrong with that?

And we don’t need some person whose name I can’t pronounce to be part of a socialist conspiracy to ruin what we’ve all inherited from our parents. Trust me. I’m the only one who can make it like it used to be and that’s what we all want. I know I do, and I’ll fight like hell to get you whatever is left over.


Moderator – Senator Harris, your final statement.

Kamala Harris – I want to thank you Mr. President for making clear that the Civil War has never been over … your presidency has made that obvious. You’ve been able by your narcissism and striking indifference to humanity to bring things into much better focus for the rest of us.

We Americans are, and have been for a long time, at war with ourselves. You have brought the bigotry and the injustice that we inflict on one another out of the shadows.

I thank you Mr. President, you have done your job – exposing bigotry, but now, it’s time for someone to actually heal us, and you have neither the intellect nor the compassion to do that.

Move over, Mr. President … play more golf, teach your grandchildren to be just like you – it’s time for someone new to lead our country, someone to give us what we need, not what you need

  • … it’s time to vote for change, America.
  • Before we can be a country that is truly great,
  • we have to be a country that is truly fair.
  • Thank you all for watching tonight.