Baked News / November, 2021

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November 15, 2021


Reporter Agnes Killjoy

Mr. Trump, Arizona recently passed legislation that took the authority for election related lawsuits away from the secretary of state, currently a Democrat, and gave it to the attorney general, now a Republican, which could potentially enable the overturning of results by a court. Can you comment on this?

The Mar-a-Lago Reply

You ask, can I comment on this? Can I comment?  Sure, I can comment … but that’s a stupid question, don’t you think? I can do anything … I can comment, I can go to the movies, I can ruin someone’s career. It’s a great thing, a very great thing to be able to do anything … and all of America loves seeing me do it. I envy them, being able to watch me.

But first … you called me Mr. Trump and not Mr. President. You know I’m the real president, don’t you? This whole Biden prank is just some Democratic magic trick where they make this elephant disappear. Pretty good trick, actually, but that’s not the point, is it?

The great people of Arizona knew what they were doing. If they didn’t like the results of an election, they had every right to have another one. The last time I looked this is America, isn’t it? If they don’t want to wear masks or get vaccinated, they have every right to infect other people, don’t they? Next question.

Follow-Up / Killjoy addressing Lindsey Graham attached to Mr. Trump

Killjoy : Senator Graham, I notice that your lips seem to be stuck to Mr. Trump’s behind, which you claim inspires you. Many people wonder if this affects your posture on a number of things – is it true you conceive new legislation while in this position?

Senator Graham : Bending over comes naturally to me, so my posture is not affected one bit. As far as new legislation, I’m proud to be of service to my soon to be president again, and frankly the closer I get to his wallet and his undeniable charisma, the more ideas I have to save this country.


Baked News / April 3, 2020

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April 3, 2020


How long does coronavirus stay “alive” on surfaces?

Up to three days, depending on the surface. According to a study funded by the U.S. National Institute of Health. The virus is viable up to 72 hours after being placed on stainless steel or plastic. It’s viable up to four hours on copper, and up to 24 hours after being put on cardboard. In aerosols, it remains viable for three hours.              

The Trump Response

Many people have asked me if the coronavirus can stay alive on my comb over. That’s a very good question, and one we all must take seriously.

Let’s face it, if I go down, the whole world goes down. You’d be stuck with Iron-Underwear Mike the Evangelist or gobble-gobble Mitch McConnell. Even worse, you could wind up with Nancy Pelosi who I am told by Pox and Friends sleeps in a coffin. Have you ever noticed the set of eye teeth on that woman?

As far as touching goes, touching is a beautiful thing, a very beautiful thing. My advice to American citizens is touch whatever you want, wherever you want, and whenever it makes you happy.

You don’t have to be famous like me – and believe me, I’m so famous, incredibly so – you don’t have to be famous like me to go around touching things that don’t belong to you.  The world belongs to everyone, everyone … but especially to me.              

If people can spread the virus without showing any symptoms, how can I tell who’s infected and who’s not?

“You can’t”, said Dr. James Phillips, chief of disaster and operational medicine at George Washington University Hospital. “We need to start treating every person as though they have this.”

“And everyone needs to treat us like we have it, and socially distance ourselves in that manner. Because until we have testing, we don’t know who has this. And we’re not sure when they start spreading it.”

That’s why it’s so critical to avoid crowds, stay at least six feet away from others, wash or disinfect your hands, and stop touching your face.

The Trump Response

Knowing who is infected is for fools. I want to get back to the touching thing. This whole not touching your face is cuckoo. We all love touching our faces. More than that, if you ask me, we all love looking at our faces, am I right? 

As far as staying-six-feet-away-from-others, if you ask me, and believe me, people all over the world ask me a lot of things, all over the world.

Actually, it’s amazing the kind of stuff they ask me – is the world going in the crapper? Can I give them twenty bucks? Ivanka’s cup size. You can’t believe what they ask me. But as far as the staying-away-six-feet deal goes, it’s kind of harsh this whole six-feet-thing. Very harsh.

That’s why I don’t want to hear any more complaints about people standing close to me on the podium when we give national updates. I’m tired of the media being on my case for every little thing I do or say, or who I touch when they’re not looking.

In fact, pretty soon, just for the hell of it, I’m going  to order everyone on the podium to touch their face. Actually, maybe I’ll have them all touch my face. Maybe I’ll do that. That would be beautiful, so very beautiful. What a guy I am. People love me.

Besides, who are you going to listen to, some little Italian guy who is a doctor (I’m told he may be Jewish … Italian, Jewish – they all look alike. It’s like Koreans and the Japanese, who the hell knows?)   

Or are you going to listen to the leader of the free world?


Baked News / April 10, 2020

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April 10, 2020


White House Briefing Question

Mr. President, you have pitted state governors against each other, equated the virus with the common flu, denied there are shortages in critical protective equipment, and refused to take early warning models seriously — leaving states, hospitals and medical staff unprotected and unprepared.

How would you rate your performance to date? Might there be anything you would do differently? 

The Trump Response

How would I rate my performance? How would you rate your question? That’s a nasty question, don’t you think? Would you ask your mother a question like that? It’s a very nasty question.                                                                                 

You understand I’m the President and you’re not. You understand that, right? Raise your hand if you understand that. I don’t see you raising your hand. Do you have a hand? No hand? Are you a cripple or something?

How would I rate my performance? I get beautiful overnight ratings if that’s what you’re asking – the best overnight ratings, higher ratings I’m told than Lincoln or Washington. Better ratings than you I’d bet.

So, my performance … I would give myself a ten. When you get better ratings than I do, get back to me and maybe I’ll give that more thought.

Is there anything I would do differently? Sure, there are plenty of things I’d do differently. Not let you in this room for one thing. I don’t like people like you. You remind me of Eddie Haskell. Do you know who Eddie Haskell is?

Look, this is like a thirty-five-hour-a-week job. Luckily, I can do that in half the time, so it doesn’t really cut into my morning shows, but I can tell you I don’t earn bupkis considering the hours I put in.

  • Do you know what bupkis means? I think it’s Hebrew … or Hawaiian. It’s definitely something with an ‘H’. It means goat turds. A pile of goat turds. A worthless pile of goat turds. You didn’t know that I speak two languages, did you? You people in the press, in the fake news business don’t know a lot of things about me, a lot of things.

I’m the most open and personable president in history and yet you don’t know squat about me. Squat, from the Latin. That’s three languages.


Baked News / March 27, 2020

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March 27, 2020


Is it safe to get takeout from restaurants?

Yes, but just in case, you may want to wipe down the packaging and containers. The CDC says there’s no evidence to suggest coronavirus is transmitted through food. It’s generally spread through respiratory droplets.

But according to CNN Chief Medical Correspondent Dr. Sanjay Gupta, it’s a good idea to disinfect the takeout containers and wash your hands afterward. He stressed that coronavirus is a respiratory virus, and it’s easy to touch your face without realizing it.

The Trump Response

There is no life without takeout, you know this and so do I. Why tip 5% sitting down to a meal when you don’t have to tip anything at all? That’s why as your soon-to-be re-elected wartime leader, I’ve taken very smart steps, steps that only a very smart person would consider, to remedy the situation.

First of all, rather than increasing unemployment benefits, I and I alone, the buck starts here, have ordered FEMA to make available half a billion Big Macs and two billion KFC extra crispy chicken wings to be distributed throughout the country. Every administration should have a vision and here’s mine – ‘Let them eat wings.’ That should silence the critics who say I’m racist.

And none of this food needs to be sanitized because I am told by experts, top notch people, people with brains, I exclusively hire people with brains – I’m told that these foods already contain chemicals that can kill most anything.

Secondly, I never really liked Chinese food. And I needn’t tell you where this virus came from. So stay away from soy sauce, Moo Shu Pork, Orange Duck, and whatever looks like Chop Suey, and just like me, you’ll be totally safe. You can’t lose with the basics – Burger King, Micky D’s, Wendy’s, White Castle … White Castle, love the name.

How long will we have to keep social distancing?

Probably for several months. But you might have to do it “over and over again,” since the outbreak could come in waves. 

Research by the Imperial College in Great Britain “would suggest you have to institute these kinds of measures for five months, very vigorously,” said Dr. Celine Gounder, an infectious disease specialist at Bellevue Hospital Center. “And then you may be able to relax for a period. Most likely, or at least if necessary, you would re-institute distancing as the cases go up again.”

“But we’re basically looking at doing this over and over and over again, even after a five-month period of strict social distancing, in order to curb cases until we have a vaccine.”

“Health officials say we’re at least a year away from the first publicly available coronavirus vaccine. In the meantime, they say everyone should avoid large crowds and stay at least six feet away from others.”

The Trump Response

C’mon, who thought up this crap? I can tell you honestly, I’ve been a victim of social distancing for most of my life and first of all, it’s not contagious like these quacks maintain.

… believe me, when it comes to social distancing, nobody knows the trouble I seen. And in spite of what the Democrats might tell you, I was the first person to ever speak that phrase. There are so many things I say first to myself.

And by the way, it’s totally fake news that I don’t listen, that I just shake my head at my cabinet members – who work for me in case anyone has forgotten – and then supposedly I do what I want.

So social distance if you want. This politically-driven Covid conspiracy features only one redeemable element – you don’t have to listen to anyone because you’re too far away. But for my money, and I have far more money than you can imagine, it’s beautiful actually, how much money I have

… for my money, social distancing is a crock. And you can take that to the bank.