Baked News Archive – The Lemonade Stand Blog

Baked News / Jan. 1, 2022

Reporter Agnes Killjoy

The subject of Presidential Executive Privilege has been a hot topic for almost a year now. What can you say to the American people to convince them that as a former president, you have the right to keep private all of your administration’s information pertaining to the January 6^th insurrection?

The Mar-a-Lago Reply

Look Agnes, I can call you Agnes can’t I? I can call you Agnes, yet somehow you feel comfortable calling me the ‘former’ president – just like the people you work for, your editors and that name they call me, ‘the former’, who are very bad people by the way, the people you work for, very bad. They should be in movies those people, and I can tell you, they’re the kind of people good people love to hate, myself included.

Let me pass along something about the real world, Agnes. Life is not a love-in, no it’s not, it’s not a love-in. And if things go wrong like they do for so many people, for so many fabulous people … people need to hate things, they need to, and there are so many people without a voice out there. If they don’t have someone to hate for them, then what? Think about it. Then what?

What if, I mean, we can do other things when we get up in the morning, orange juice maybe, but hating the enemy is part of life. When I get up, the first thing I do is think about my enemies. I do it instead of working out.

So you call me the former president. Look at me, do I look like a ‘former’ anything?My memory is like flypaper it’s so good. My hair is still orange, my doctor says I’m not obese, what’s there not to … I love the Jews by the way. Do I look like any kind of former? Look close, but don’t touch me. Have people ever really needed to touch one another? I was so far ahead, so far ahead of Covid.

Agnes, face it … half the country still considers me the real president. What can I say? The people love me, they love me, they’re very very incredible, don’t you think? The people? It’s like a rock star except I don’t have to do the drug part. And I also like the word very very, it’s one word right? I don’t know why, I just really love that word.

So let me ask you this – what are you going to do with all those people who love me and consider me their president? My people. What are you going to do with them once people like you make this country communist? Half of this country, they hate you, they don’t trust you, they know that you and the Press lie to make a living. Look Agnes, I can appreciate stretching things a bit – I’m in Real Estate – but what are you going to do with my people?

Killjoy: We are off-topic here, my question is about executive privilege.

Trump: You really want me to talk about executive privilege? I can do that. I can talk about executive privilege. No one knows more about executive privilege than I do. In the old days, executive privilege meant you had your own bathroom. We’re not just talking about special bathrooms though, are we Agnes? Let me put it this way, I think that all executives and what they do in their bathrooms is up to them.

And when you think about it, politics is just one big bathroom, isn’t it? Politics is this one big bathroom with rows and rows of stalls where elected officials dump their agendas and try to make believe the place doesn’t stink.

As far as what is recorded, my papers, what I said or might have said, look – ‘what I say’ and ‘when I say it’ has always been a mystery to me. I have no idea what I’m going to say next, and frankly, I don’t believe I said what I just said! That’s why people love me. That’s why I love myself. Some people say it’s a sign of being very, very smart and I agree with them. Not all of us can be wrong. That’s just who I am, not being wrong.

You call it an insurrection, I call it patriotism. If good citizens want to protest at the Capitol, that’s their right. So a few of them get pushy. Kids at rock concerts get pushy too. People at rock concerts die too. Are you going to charge everyone with treason?

Confiscating my administration’s information is stealing. The Democrats are thieves, pure and simple. There’s a website with Democratic family trees that shows their relatives were thieves also. That’s how it happens, through gene stuff, the stealing thing. They can’t be trusted with our money, or with our information. Does that answer your question?

Maybe this – here’s what I’ll do, Agnes … half of America thinks I’m the president. So I’ll give the Democrats half my papers. I have a lot of papers. I’ll give them half. It’s the art of the deal.

Baked News / Jan. 15, 2022

Reporter Agnes Killjoy

Interview with Ted Cruz

Killjoy: Senator Cruz – Tucker Carlson recently made you take back your statements about the Jan 6 Insurrection on his Pox News broadcast. What some pundits called ‘bootlicking’ is reminiscent of your relationship with Donald Trump who in 2016 declared that your father was part of the JFK assassination, that you cheated by rigging the election in the Iowa Republican primary, and that your wife is ugly. Yet, Senator Cruz, you unequivocally groveled in the presence of Carlson, and you continue to support the former president. Can you tell us why?

Senator Cruz: First of all, I’m from Harvard … and as far as my friend Tucker Carlson is concerned, we can talk about him later. I’m glad you asked about my father. I think of him when I pray at night – he was a good man, a very good man. He married my mother who struggled and couldn’t help that she was born with a debilitating condition. Sadly, she was a Democrat … in fact, her entire family was diagnosed as being Democratic. Consequently, my father had his hands full dealing with her, and sometimes, people under this kind of pressure do stupid things.

To your question, maybe my father was involved in the assassination, maybe he wasn’t. Exactly what does that have to do with me? Are any of us supposed to be responsible for our parents’ actions? That’s precisely what’s wrong with America, blaming those good people who are blameless. Do I own slaves? Did I invent the AR-15? Did I make people poor? I’m here to change the blame game.

Killjoy: And rigging the vote count in the 2016 primary in Iowa?

Senator Cruz: If only I were that powerful. President Trump was misinformed.

Killjoy: And calling your wife ugly, Senator? Can you elaborate?

Senator Cruz: As for my wife, even though we look like each other including the beards, we are a country of free speech, which is why Donald Trump is so refreshing. He tells it like it is, and sure, sometimes he tells it like it isn’t. Who am I, a humble servant from both Princeton and Harvard and you’re not, who am I to judge what he says?

My wife and I are both Christians – call my wife names, call me names, we still love you. We may want to lock you up, but we still love you. The Bible teaches that we’re all sinners, so doesn’t that make us all ugly in one way or another? President Trump was just quoting the Bible. In his own way, he is an extension of the Bible, so let’s live within the word of both the President and God.

Killjoy: So, Senator, you see no problem with the perception that you are cowering to people like Tucker Carlson and the former president? Are you saying that you have no true response to the former president’s assertion that your father was part of an assassination plot, and are you saying that your wife is ugly?

Senator Cruz: I’ve always been taught in the spirit of truly electable humility that beauty is in the eye of the beholder … I think Tucker Carlson is a beautiful man in a Christian non-homosexual, non-perverted kind of way. My wife is also very beautiful to me, very beautiful. Yes, it may be true that I turn the lights out when we become intimate, but for your information, I have excellent night vision.

As far as any assassination is concerned, I can’t help what other people think, and I can’t help who dies by whatever means – by a bullet, from cancer, or from reading your newspaper. The good people know God’s word when it comes to death – life is precious … but so is Heaven.

Regarding our duly elected President, President Trump, I applaud him and his votes. We had a schoolyard tiff, nothing more. I have no animosity towards him or towards Melania. My wife even released a letter to the Wall Street Journal admitting she was ugly, so Donald and I are good.

Killjoy: Do you see any of this at all, as pandering?

Senator Cruz: What is pandering anyway? Isn’t it giving people what they want?

Killjoy: Actually, I have my dictionary with me, … let’s see, it says here that “Political pandering involves expressing views that are merely for the purpose of drawing support and do not necessarily reflect one’s personal values.”

There’s also a second definition, Senator – “The act or practice of furnishing clients for a prostitute.” Some pundits suggest this second definition is the more accurate political metaphor where clients are voters and the prostitutes are our political leaders … but let’s stick to the former definition and the subject of personal values.

Senator Cruz: First of all, personal values are overrated. It’s the people who count, not one individual. I’m just a well-educated/ people come first/ just keep me in the loop/ humble kind of guy.

And you liberals always have to make things dirty, don’t you, bringing up prostitutes and all that? That’s why we have all these children calling themselves “they”. Isn’t life challenging enough? Do we have to have an identity crisis every time we turn a corner?

America is the land of the free – free to close down abortion clinics, free to protest at our nation’s capital, free to point out that homosexuality and I suspect ‘theyness’ is a sin in the eyes of God. God has made all of this clear, He says this directly to us, and now I am saying this as well.

Miss Killjoy, I believe I have answered your questions, so you’ll have to excuse me – it’s time for me to serve food at our local soup kitchen. It’s just what I do and who I am, in between giving blood to orphans.

Baked News / Dec. 1, 2021

December 1, 2021

Reporter Agner Killjoy

Mr. Trump, you have recently weighed in positively on the mass resignations of police and firemen who refuse to get vaccinated. To clear up any misunderstandings, you’ve been severely critical of police in the past, especially the Washington D.C. police who you called a bunch of wimps. Can you clarify exactly where you stand on the police?

The Mar-A-Lago Response

Trump: First of all, I didn’t call the entire D.C. police force a bunch of wimps. I called the ones who went to the Capitol a bunch of homosexuals, and for good reason. You’re Agnes Killjoy … you worked at Pox once.

Killjoy: Yes, I am. And yes, I was an intern in the Pox News division.

Trump: Agnes … you’re the one who called me the bubble boy, right? They tell me that’s you. We’ll discuss that later with my friends from The Ultimate World Order. As far as the Washington D.C. police force goes, Agnes … you guys bother me, you reporters … people like you Agnes, you’re nobodies reporting about somebodies, and since you’ll always be a nobody, you need to take down a somebody … I don’t think any of you had mothers, I really don’t.

As far as the Washington D.C. police force is concerned, have you allowed yourself to see that website that shows police in dresses practicing flopping as a crowd control device? Ya gotta see this, it’s pathetic. Losers, all of them, losers. Flopping like that’s going to control anything. They were doing the same thing on January 6^th at The Great Freedom Rally, except it was all those Washington A.C.D.C. losers.

Killjoy: By Freedom Rally, do you mean The Insurrection, sir?

Trump: No, I mean The Great Freedom Rally. That’s how history will record that day. Are you blind or something? Didn’t you watch it for yourself? All those cops flopping? Where are you from, Agnes – are you part of that Sunday morning clown show Meet The Communists?

Look, as far as the police are concerned, I love the ones who voted for me. The ones who didn’t vote for me, not so much, they’re losers. I’m not the kind of President who represents everyone. That’s just stupid, and believe me, I have college board scores you can’t see to prove I’m not stupid.

And besides, isn’t the only way we’re going to beat the Obama Virus is with herd immunity? Right, herd immunity. So why not let all the cops and firemen go out and get all of us to this herd immunity? Get the community a little sick, people get better, they have their antibodies, they go back to work. What’s the big deal?

Baked News / August 1, 2020

August 1, 2020

White House Briefings

Correspondent Agnes Killjoy

Mr. President, you say that the reason we have so many cases of Covid-19 is because we are testing more. Sir, my question is this – if we didn’t test anyone, what would that mean? Would the disease go away?

The Trump Response

I’m glad you asked me that. You’re new here, aren’t you? Get ready for a beautiful answer. Testing is just not as important as it used to be. Most tests are rigged in the first place so that’s one thing. Except the Cogitive Test, the one I recently took which showed that no president has been more cogitive than I am, that’s not rigged … I aced it.

I admit the first question – Are you here? – isn’t that difficult, but the last question was a bear. It’s not that easy to draw one.

All I know is this – testing for Covid is not the answer. In fact, people tell me that it’s very possible some of the tests are contagious. People go in feeling fine, they take the test, and then two days later they’re sick. What gives? What’s with that?

… Next question.

Correspondent Agnes Killjoy

The White House Press Secretary has told us that you have absolutely no animosity concerning Dr. Anthony Fauci, the country’s top epidemiologist. Although the Press Secretary’s pants were on fire at the time, can you corroborate that? And if so, why is Dr. Fauci’s office now on a Filopino island?

The Trump Response

First of all, it’s a gorgeous set-up, like Vegas or something … it’s all class, I insisted on that. He’s got cable, there’s a Wendy’s, he’s got ‘room service’ if you know what I mean, the man could want for nothing. That said, I think this whole thing has become overblown, it’s all fake news … what’s-his-name and I are on excellent terms.

Really, I like short people. And Jews. He’s Jewish, right? Some of my best former friends are Jews. I love them and they love me. And I don’t mind if he’s as intelligent as I am, it doesn’t threaten me one bit. I’ve been there before, I can handle the heat as long as it doesn’t get near my hair – that could go nuclear.

Besides, I’ve seen the director’s I.Q. test – I made Barr give him one. I’m good … the guy who takes my test has him beat. Next question.

Correspondent Killjoy

Please comment on your recent pardon of Roger Stone, your longtime political advisor who admitted under oath that he was lying to a grand jury. Some people have raised concern that you are abusing your power as President. What do you say to that? And what do you say to the people who think this is only the first of many questionable pardons to come?

The Trump Response

Did anyone ever tell you, you look like a monkey? I mean you’re white so I can say that, right? It isn’t racist because you know, you were born here.

Lying is relative. My father taught me that profit is the proof of truth – I’ll never forget when he told me that … I think he was spanking me at the time. In real estate, what one person might call ‘lying’, another might call a negotiating tactic. I think Roger was simply negotiating.

If you ask me, Roger is a victim of those sunglasses he wears. He can’t see crapola. That’s why I fired him. The guy could never see far ahead enough to get a good parking space. But he’s a good soldier, and I like uniforms, I really do. Why can’t civilians have more uniforms like that guy we have who does the health stuff and is called an admiral? How did that happen? An admiral, good for him.

As far as pardoning goes, don’t rule out anything. What I want to know is can you pardon someone before they are charged? That would help a lot. Especially if there’s, you know some kind of fake news investigation of my taxes.

Baked News / May 29,2020

May 29, 2020

White House Briefing

Correspondent Agnes Killjoy

Mr. President, you constantly refer to the media as being fake news. My first question is have you yourself ever participated in spreading fake news? You never reveal your sources, but rather prefer to use the phrase ‘they say.’ Just exactly who are ‘they’? Secondly, isn’t POX NEWS an arm of the media just like CNN? And do the media commentators on POX, such as Sean Vanity and Lou Crabs, merely serve as presidential sycophants to promote your agenda?

The Trump Response

Sycophant. You like big words, don’t you? You’re trying to impress me aren’t you? Well, stop right there … I’m the only one who can impress me. That is all you have to know. My sources? You’re asking me for my sources? That’s a bit of a, that’s, what can I say? That’s a ballsy question isn’t it?

Who is ‘they’ you ask – I go where so much of the rest of America goes for their information. Every morning after Pox and Friends, I read The National Enquirer who do a great job by the way, and then I go to that secret chat room that’s so popular – The White is Right and Vice-Versa Room.

They come up with things no one else ever thought of. Fabulous people, concerned people for the welfare of America – she’s beautiful isn’t she, America? Then I put all that truth right up here (points to head) where the sun don’t shine.

I memorize everything. I memorize menus. I really like menus. You could say I’m drawn to them, but I don’t use crayons, those are kids menus. Menus and the addresses of people who piss me off … they’re etched in my mind.

As far as Sean Vanity and Lou Crabs go, they are well-respected journalists who have won things like the coveted You Can’t Be Serious Award so many times, so many times I forget.

I don’t remember awards unless I get them myself, but Sean and Lou are the real deal. Those aren’t tattoos on my butt – those are their real lip prints. Sean and Lou know the territory. Some people think it should become the fifty-first state.

Baked News / May 22, 2020

May 22, 2020

White House Pox News Briefing Session

Mr. President, Lou Crabs here from Pox News – you’ve convincingly compared yourself to Abraham Lincoln a number of times, including how you’ve been treated by the media and how you would do in a head-to-head ratings contest. Can you tell us what it might be like if the two of you met?

The Trump Response

Lou, think about it … don’t hurt yourself, but think about it.

Lincoln and I could have been brothers, not in the black people way, but in a more, how can I say this without getting crucified – in a more Christian way. I’m pretty sure we have a lot in common. Neither of us really enjoys going to plays, that’s one thing. For another, few people know that Lincoln had orange body hair. That’s right, really really orange, all over except his head. And we’re both to-die-for family men.

Each of us dreams about our daughters a lot, a real lot, which is weird for Lincoln because he didn’t have a daughter. All boys. Now that I think of it, what’s with that? We have a few differences – he got depressed a lot and looking at his wife, no wonder. How’d you like to wake up to that every morning?

Me, I don’t have time to get depressed with my full t.v. schedule and all, but boy do I miss the good ole’ days, especially The Dean Martin Show, where he pretends to be high all the time. And all those beautiful women. Who cares about the brains part?

You ask about me and Honest Abe going head-to-head? I know I’d have some definite make-up tips to suggest to him even if we were on the opposite side, but we’d kill on t.v.. Boy, the two of us on national television, probably every station. That would be, those would be some big beautiful ratings, better than wrestling I bet.

You don’t get those kinds of ratings by just walking onstage. There’s a lotta prep, a lotta prep – naptime, a push-up, KFC, a lot more than you think, those things to get ready.

And there’s so much I could teach him – like walls. I don’t think he gets it, the wall idea. A wall could have saved so many lives back then in what was it, the Civil War right? A pretty big war, that one, the Civil War. That’s what they tell me.

Together, I’m very certain – I love to be very certain and I’m good at it – I’m very certain that our show would make everyone feel better. We’d bring back those important times, those good times every misses.

There were good times back then too, right? Except for the bullet part. So I think a meeting between two of the greatest presidents of all time, not including Putin, would be drop down best t.v. ever … and besides, who needs him alive? They can do that right? I think it’s called a hello-gram. I know it’s not a candy gram. I knew a girl once named Candy Graham. She was very nice to me.

Where do I sign? Abe and me? No one would touch us.
We could call it Trump and Friend.

Baked News / May 8, 2020

May 8, 2020

White House Briefing

Correspondent Agnes Killjoy

Mr. President, Ronald Reagan was once quoted as saying, “The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: ‘I’m from the Government, and I’m here to help.’”

You are a proponent of small government, sir. Yet, are the challenges posed by a pandemic too large of a problem for state governments to solve? Unlike the Federal Government, they cannot print their own money to escape their financial distress.

Is there indeed a problem, if not a number of problems, that can only be solved by the leadership, vision, and funding of the Federal Government?

The Trump Response

Look, I like big, o.k.? I’ve always liked big even if one is bigger than the other. But when it comes to government, less is more. That’s right, less is more, way way more, in so many ways which has nothing to do with my hands.

When it comes to socialism, let’s face it, it’s a huge mess. Huge. And another thing that’s big is all that fake news from those countries like Sweden, Norway, and the one with the dike people – they’re not happy, I can guarantee you that.

It’s sad really. So what if they can get a free education and free medical – can they afford a Cadillac? Do they eat at good restaurants or do they have to eat fish all day? I mean, there’s so much that people don’t know. Not me, but there’s so many people who don’t know a lot. Actually, I love that about them.

Someone once said about communism, which by the way is the same thing as socialism – the scholars are wrong about that – someone said, what everyone understands in communist countries is the adage

“We’ll pretend to pay you, if you pretend to work.”

I wish I had come up with that.
I probably did, but just don’t remember that I did.
I’ve come up with so many things I don’t remember.

At one time or another, I’ve probably come up with just about everything there is to come up with. Sometimes it’s a burden having the kind of I.Q. that I have. Someone once told me I needed to get my head weighed. I wonder how they do that?

The Federal Government can only do so much. The states need to pony up, or maybe all the guys who claim they have more money than I do can pony up. Let Buffett and Gates and Bezos bail out everyone if they’re so upset.

I agree with Jared – stop all the whining – we’ve done enough because we say so. Who are you going to believe, me or the media?

Baked News / May 1, 2020

May 1, 2020

White House Briefing / Agnes Killjoy

Mr. President, you have recently been quoted as saying there already exists a number of possible cures for the coronavirus. You’ve mentioned Lysol, sunlight, and chloroquine among the remedies for this pandemic.

There is also speculation that you are currently leaning to a new and possibly revolutionary solution to the problem. Can you expand on this subject?

The Trump Response

Let me tell you, I can expand on almost anything. I really can. I love to expand … in so many ways I can expand. You have no idea.

First of all, let’s deal with Lysol – look, I don’t like needles. Who wants to shoot themselves up, all those tiny holes? They say people can leak with a lot of holes … no one wants to leak.

But Lysol, how can you beat Lysol? It’s been around for like a hundred years, right Mike? (Vice-President Michael Pence nods and licks himself.)

And as for sunlight, like they say on television, orange is the new black, baby, the new black. That’s why colored people love me – I’m orange, they’re black, and some are brown, they’re all who knows what? It’s all a new political rainbow, and I’m their pot of gold.

Now chloroquine, have any of you tried it? I think I’d try something first before I say it doesn’t work. Why be so negative? The whole lot of you, really so negative. I don’t understand why there’s so much controversy about this when no one really knows anything. Fake news.

That’s where I come in – when no one really knows anything. I’m good at it. And the Democrats, if they don’t believe in chloroquine, why do they tell me to take it myself? To take a lot of it. I don’t get it?

As for the new announcement, yes, I do have a new announcement. It’s a very very big announcement, a beautiful announcement. I haven’t cleared this yet. (Dr. Anthony Fauci winces) but who doesn’t love Jell-O? That’s right, think about it – all these people go into the hospital, right? And most of them come out pretty good, really good.

Their lungs, their lungs are fine, and I’m thinking to myself, what do all these people have in common besides both their lungs? I guess they also have two eyes, most of them. And two legs. Alright, almost all of them have a lot in common.

But they’ve all been served Jell-O and now they’re better. The ones who didn’t make it were too sick to eat Jell-O.

You see, sometimes it’s so very really simple. It doesn’t take a genius my friends, but if you need a genius, I can guarantee you that I come from good stock, very good stock … we’re all on board up here in the old noggin. (The President of the United States points to his head.) Maybe history will remember me for “Let them eat Jell-O” instead of wings.

That might become a famous statement someday… very famous. Any more questions? I give famous answers.

Baked News / April 2020

April, 2020

Question from reporter Agnes Killjoy

“Walmart reports that there have been five phases of panic-buying in their stores – hand sanitizers, then toilet paper, followed by spiral hams, baking yeast, and currently a run on hair dye. Would you care to comment on the issue of panic-buying?“

The Pence Response

Vice President Mike Pence in a soft-spoken voice to the media – “I am here to tell you that no president has done more for the perception of good hair than this president. He could wear a hat, sure he could. But that’s not Donald Trump.

“I am proud to serve this man and will do so as long as it remains in my power to bend over and receive his blessing. I want to encourage the American people – there’s no need to panic. Heed your President. He wants the best for you. Think of it this way – what is the worst thing that can happen? You get the virus, you succumb to it, and you go to Heaven, a place where there is no rent, no lines, no blame, and no abortions.

“And as far as ‘panic-buying’ goes, let me assure you the president stands by his word – like he said for the world to hear, ‘I do give a crap about toilet paper’. And similar to the virus tests, I can assure you that we have more than enough toilet paper to go around, and plenty of gentle lubricant I may add.

“And what’s the harm having fun, going out and t’p’ing your neighbor’s house once and awhile? It takes the edge off of being celibate. You’re in good hands with our blessed leader, a leader for the ages, a leader with sterile hands, big hands.” The Vice-President bows his head to his staff’s applause. Only the health care officials remain on stage as the Vice-President leaves the podium.

Follow-up question / Ms. Killjoy

“Dr. Fauci – is it true that the President is dissatisfied with you at this point in the crisis?”

Dr. Anthony Fauci proceeds to the microphone

“He’s gone right? Both of them, they’re not here. Pence and Trump? … You have no idea. Look, I want to tell all of you who have come to this briefing session, that I am being held against my will. I know you think this can’t happen in America, but it is happening right here in front of you, to me.

“The man in charge is a raving lunatic. Whatever I say into his left ear comes out the right ear like prime rib processed into baloney. Regarding this whole pandemic, all of us are far more over our heads than anyone could imagine. And from all that I can tell – this pandemic will not go away after just one round. Or a second round. I need to tell you that.

And if you don’t see me again
… follow the money.”

Baked News / April 17, 2020

April 17, 2020

Correspondent Agnes Killjoy

How does the coronavirus spread?

What is the administration’s official position on how this disease has been spreading? Are we doing enough to protect ourselves, and where is the administration’s information coming from?

The Trump Response

To answer your question, at the White House we get almost all our information from Jared. Then, what Jared doesn’t know, Ivanka does. According to Jared, Barack Obama was the first person in the United States who had the virus. And he never should have been allowed to be President. Obama contracted the disease in Kenya. So many things start in Kenya.

I’m told that he and some wildlife spread the virus at the 2016 Democratic Convention. Did you see that convention? It was a mess that convention. Many many people I know, good people, red-blooded Americans, have determined that Democrats are the initial carriers of the disease.

These are facts, real facts, amazing facts and they’ve been corroborated by Steve Doocey at Pox and Friends. That’s a big word, corroborated. Big big word. I know a lot of big words. I don’t always use them, but yes, I know a lot of big words. And Steve Doocey is a very fine man. Very fine man. I’m sure there’s a big word to desribe him … I just don’t want to use it.

In fact, Steve proved in a Geraldo Special that the Obama virus is not the boogeyman that you in the Press Corps have made it out to be. He tested negative, very negative, beautifully negative, after risking his life by licking someone’s face who reportedly had the virus. The vicious rumor that this woman didn’t want her face licked is Fake News, very fake. It’s news, but it’s fake.

I can tell you this – Steve Doocey is not the kind of man who licks and tells, but in this case, he summoned the courage, a lot of courage, to go public with his critical research to the benefit of the world he lives in

… the world the virus-carrying Democrats live in. Remember, they’re the ones who paid to fly Obama to Kenya in the first place. The Democrats. Illegal bisexual Chinese Democrats who are voting illegally in our elections and are looking to take your house away.

How does someone safely take care of someone who’s sick?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: With the continued shortage of testing nationwide, it is difficult to know whether your loved one has coronavirus or another illness. So it’s critical to play it safe and not infect yourself and, in turn, others. The CDC suggests:

Giving the sick person their own room to stay in, if possible. Keep the door closed. Having only one person serve as the caretaker.
Asking the sick person to wear a face mask, if they are able to. If the mask causes breathing difficulties, then the caretaker should wear a mask instead.

The Trump Response

Ya’ got me …

I’ve never taken care of someone else.