Polly Peepers / family advice
Sperm Concern
Dear Polly,
A girl I just met recently, Starr, wanted me to spend some time with her so we could get to know each other better. Now Polly, I’m no prude – I do things my mother would never allow, like dropping F-bombs and stuff like that.
Well, Starr tells me we should go out on the town and that we should go to Nail Me, which I thought was great cause I’d never been to a nail bar. I told her I had to be back by eleven. Unfortunately, she thought I meant 11 a.m..
I go with her, and there’s this dark hallway and all these doorways leading to dark rooms and each room has a really wide couch in the back, and some skinny long pole in the middle of the room. At first I thought this was fun, and I kept on looking for a fireman to shoot down that pole.
Then I began to realize something. It took me awhile, but I’m pretty sure that Nail Me is this sex kitten hangout or something (I don’t know what else to call it?) where people go to do things that are pretty embarrassing.
Polly, I’m convinced that strangers had sex on those couches and Starr and I sat down on like a gazillion couches for long stretches of time and Starr doesn’t seem worried at all. So I have to ask you – can I get pregnant, like from left-over sperm on the couch? Do sperm hibernate? What if I spilled water, do they come alive? Can they crawl up your leg? And now Starr wants to go to Nail Me again. What should I do? – Marjorie, Iowa
Dear Marjorie,
Starr is a hard name to live up to … her parents meant well. First of all, apparently you don’t get out of the house that much, but I can assure you that your unsuspecting eggs are safe. Although sperm are fast little buggers, their propellers aren’t nuclear, so in general, don’t feel at risk sitting on a couch.
As far as Starr is concerned, just be honest – tell her that you didn’t like Nail Me, that it clearly isn’t a nail bar, and that you probably shouldn’t hang out with her because places like that make you uncomfortable.
To tell you the truth, it sounds more like Starr just wants a wingman. However, before the two of you decide if you will go your separate ways, you might want to ask if she actually does know of a place where firemen do that pole thing.
– Polly
Dear Polly,
My two boys, ages nine and six named Ben and Jerry, have threatened to call their Social Services worker unless I immediately return to therapy to address my addiction to chocolate. I admit they found three cases of Malomars which I keep under my bed in case I have a panic attack … and yes, I do have two separate rooms in my house for my inventory, one for dark chocolate and one for milk.
But I’ve done everything the court has ordered – I don’t refer to either of my children as snacks anymore. I’ve changed my name back to Phyllis from Hershette. The truth is I love both Ben and Jerrys – both my children Ben and Jerry, and the ice cream Ben and Jerry. My fear is which Ben and Jerry do I love the most? I’m afraid that therapy might reveal a disappointing answer. – Phyllis, Massachusetts
Dear Phyllis,
Here are a few questions you might want to ask yourself as you come to terms with your condition. When you call for Ben and Jerry to come in from playing do you find yourself starting to salivate? What is it like when you put them to bed? Do you have an urge to bring a spoon? If so, these are serious problems that must be treated.
I’d suggest locating a nearby chapter of Chocoholics Anonymous … at the very least, it’s a step in the right direction, and believe me, I can assure you, it’s not a lost cause by any means. And just wondering – were the names Haagen and Daz ever in the running? – Polly