Baked News / Mar 1, 2022

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Reporter Agnes Killjoy

Interview with Ron DeSantis

Killjoy : Governor DeSantis, you are running for re-election in Florida in 2022, yet some say you are actually running for the presidency in 2024. Before you went into politics, you had an impressive resume – Magna Cum Laude and captain of the Yale baseball team, teaching high school history, Harvard Law School, military prosecutor. These are mainstream qualifications usually pointing towards the pinnacle of political office, the presidency.

You are clearly conservative, and from all indications, you do not take yourself lightly nor are you allergic to the spotlight. With that in mind, I have two questions to ask you today:

“If re-elected, are you willing to say that you will serve all four years of your second term as Florida’s governor?” … and second, “Why are you associated with so many extremist groups, like Mothers for Milkweed and T.U.R.B.A.?

 DeSantis : I’m glad you asked me that. Yes, I am outspoken, shouldn’t everyone be outspoken? Isn’t that what the first amendment is all about? The god-given right, the ability to speak out loud? Do liberals and their collection of Wall Street whiners want to take that away, too? I assume you are proud to be an American … I’m proud to say it out loud.

Killjoy : Let me repeat my question more directly – will you run for President of the United States while serving as Governor of Florida?

DeSantis : Let me just say who doesn’t want to be president of the United States? What little boy didn’t think about that once in their lives?

Killjoy : I would imagine a lot of little boys of color.

DeSantis : To answer your question, being governor of Florida is sacred to me. If, however, I am called into action for the greater good, as a former member of the military, I would be proud to enlist to make this country whole again.

Killjoy : What about all these extremist groups who support you, like Mothers For Milkweed who believe the recent proliferation in Texas and Florida of monarch butterflies, a species that feeds exclusively on milkweed, signals the approval of God that Donald Trump should be the monarch of the free world, and that you should be his vice-president?

DeSantis : You are taking their views out of context. So they love their monarch butterflies and they also love President Trump. These are not militant people. They pose no threat to anyone.

Killjoy : What about T.U.R.B.A. and their focus on The Unborn’s Right to Bear Arms? They’re but one of many fringe groups that unlike Mothers For Milkweed have been linked to the January 6th insurrection as well as to your politics.

DeSantis : Yes, I’ve heard of them.

Killjoy : This group is saying that fetuses have the right to bear arms to protect themselves, and therefore denied of their rights, there should be no abortion. Even a few prominent members of the N.R.A. have been quoted as saying this works for them.

DeSantis : As I said, I do know of this group, but the media has made them look like they’re from California or something. I could assure you and I guess I have to, they are just ordinary people. Sure, they have their share of AR-15’s, and some are happy when abortion clinics burn down, they get carried away sometimes … don’t we all?

These are good people. They believe in the sanctity of life. They believe there is evil in the world, and they want to protect themselves and those chosen by God to come into this world.

Killjoy : Are you saying you welcome their support?

DeSantis : I’m just doing my best to be your average Harvard graduate who wants voters who’ve been ignored to have a voice … it’s as simple as that. With me, what you see is what you get – no mirrors, no fluff, no excuses for making hard choices. I can be a little ornery sometimes, but if that’s what it takes to get things done, then so be it, I’m your man.

Killjoy : Sounds like you’re running for the presidency.

DeSantis : Just trying to stay in shape.

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