Baked News / Jan. 15, 2022

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Reporter Agnes Killjoy


Interview with Ted Cruz

Killjoy: Senator Cruz – Tucker Carlson recently made you take back your statements about the Jan 6 Insurrection on his Pox News broadcast. What some pundits called ‘bootlicking’ is reminiscent of your relationship with Donald Trump who in 2016 declared that your father was part of the JFK assassination, that you cheated by rigging the election in the Iowa Republican primary, and that your wife is ugly. Yet, Senator Cruz, you unequivocally groveled in the presence of Carlson, and you continue to support the former president. Can you tell us why?

Senator Cruz: First of all, I’m from Harvard … and as far as my friend Tucker Carlson is concerned, we can talk about him later. I’m glad you asked about my father. I think of him when I pray at night – he was a good man, a very good man. He married my mother who struggled and couldn’t help that she was born with a debilitating condition. Sadly, she was a Democrat … in fact, her entire family was diagnosed as being Democratic. Consequently, my father had his hands full dealing with her, and sometimes, people under this kind of pressure do stupid things.

To your question, maybe my father was involved in the assassination, maybe he wasn’t. Exactly what does that have to do with me? Are any of us supposed to be responsible for our parents’ actions? That’s precisely what’s wrong with America, blaming those good people who are blameless. Do I own slaves? Did I invent the AR-15? Did I make people poor? I’m here to change the blame game.

Killjoy: And rigging the vote count in the 2016 primary in Iowa?

Senator Cruz: If only I were that powerful. President Trump was misinformed.

Killjoy: And calling your wife ugly, Senator? Can you elaborate?

Senator Cruz: As for my wife, even though we look like each other including the beards, we are a country of free speech, which is why Donald Trump is so refreshing. He tells it like it is, and sure, sometimes he tells it like it isn’t. Who am I, a humble servant from both Princeton and Harvard and you’re not, who am I to judge what he says?

My wife and I are both Christians – call my wife names, call me names, we still love you. We may want to lock you up, but we still love you. The Bible teaches that we’re all sinners, so doesn’t that make us all ugly in one way or another? President Trump was just quoting the Bible. In his own way, he is an extension of the Bible, so let’s live within the word of both the President and God.

Killjoy: So, Senator, you see no problem with the perception that you are cowering to people like Tucker Carlson and the former president? Are you saying that you have no true response to the former president’s assertion that your father was part of an assassination plot, and are you saying that your wife is ugly?

Senator Cruz: I’ve always been taught in the spirit of truly electable humility that beauty is in the eye of the beholder … I think Tucker Carlson is a beautiful man in a Christian non-homosexual, non-perverted kind of way. My wife is also very beautiful to me, very beautiful. Yes, it may be true that I turn the lights out when we become intimate, but for your information, I have excellent night vision.

As far as any assassination is concerned, I can’t help what other people think, and I can’t help who dies by whatever means – by a bullet, from cancer, or from reading your newspaper. The good people know God’s word when it comes to death – life is precious … but so is Heaven.

Regarding our duly elected President, President Trump, I applaud him and his votes. We had a schoolyard tiff, nothing more. I have no animosity towards him or towards Melania. My wife even released a letter to the Wall Street Journal admitting she was ugly, so Donald and I are good.

Killjoy: Do you see any of this at all, as pandering?

Senator Cruz: What is pandering anyway? Isn’t it giving people what they want?

Killjoy: Actually, I have my dictionary with me, … let’s see, it says here that “Political pandering involves expressing views that are merely for the purpose of drawing support and do not necessarily reflect one’s personal values.”

There’s also a second definition, Senator – “The act or practice of furnishing clients for a prostitute.” Some pundits suggest this second definition is the more accurate political metaphor where clients are voters and the prostitutes are our political leaders … but let’s stick to the former definition and the subject of personal values.

Senator Cruz: First of all, personal values are overrated. It’s the people who count, not one individual. I’m just a well-educated/ people come first/ just keep me in the loop/ humble kind of guy.

And you liberals always have to make things dirty, don’t you, bringing up prostitutes and all that? That’s why we have all these children calling themselves “they”. Isn’t life challenging enough? Do we have to have an identity crisis every time we turn a corner?

America is the land of the free – free to close down abortion clinics, free to protest at our nation’s capital, free to point out that homosexuality and I suspect ‘theyness’ is a sin in the eyes of God. God has made all of this clear, He says this directly to us, and now I am saying this as well.

Miss Killjoy, I believe I have answered your questions, so you’ll have to excuse me – it’s time for me to serve food at our local soup kitchen. It’s just what I do and who I am, in between giving blood to orphans.