Baked News / Jan. 1, 2022

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Reporter Agnes Killjoy


The subject of Presidential Executive Privilege has been a hot topic for almost a year now. What can you say to the American people to convince them that as a former president, you have the right to keep private all of your administration’s information pertaining to the January 6th insurrection?

The Mar-a-Lago Reply


Look Agnes, I can call you Agnes can’t I? I can call you Agnes, yet somehow you feel comfortable calling me the ‘former’ president – just like the people you work for, your editors and that name they call me, ‘the former’, who are very bad people by the way, the people you work for, very bad. They should be in movies those people, and I can tell you, they’re the kind of people good people love to hate, myself included.

Let me pass along something about the real world, Agnes. Life is not a love-in, no it’s not, it’s not a love-in. And if things go wrong like they do for so many people, for so many fabulous people … people need to hate things, they need to, and there are so many people without a voice out there. If they don’t have someone to hate for them, then what? Think about it. Then what?

What if, I mean, we can do other things when we get up in the morning, orange juice maybe, but hating the enemy is part of life. When I get up, the first thing I do is think about my enemies. I do it instead of working out.

So you call me the former president. Look at me, do I look like a ‘former’ anything?My memory is like flypaper it’s so good. My hair is still orange, my doctor says I’m not obese, what’s there not to … I love the Jews by the way. Do I look like any kind of former? Look close, but don’t touch me. Have people ever really needed to touch one another? I was so far ahead, so far ahead of Covid.

Agnes, face it … half the country still considers me the real president. What can I say? The people love me, they love me, they’re very very incredible, don’t you think? The people? It’s like a rock star except I don’t have to do the drug part. And I also like the word very very, it’s one word right? I don’t know why, I just really love that word.

So let me ask you this – what are you going to do with all those people who love me and consider me their president? My people. What are you going to do with them once people like you make this country communist? Half of this country, they hate you, they don’t trust you, they know that you and the Press lie to make a living. Look Agnes, I can appreciate stretching things a bit – I’m in Real Estate – but what are you going to do with my people?

Killjoy: We are off-topic here, my question is about executive privilege.

Trump: You really want me to talk about executive privilege? I can do that. I can talk about executive privilege. No one knows more about executive privilege than I do. In the old days, executive privilege meant you had your own bathroom. We’re not just talking about special bathrooms though, are we Agnes? Let me put it this way, I think that all executives and what they do in their bathrooms is up to them.

And when you think about it, politics is just one big bathroom, isn’t it? Politics is this one big bathroom with rows and rows of stalls where elected officials dump their agendas and try to make believe the place doesn’t stink.

As far as what is recorded, my papers, what I said or might have said, look – ‘what I say’ and ‘when I say it’ has always been a mystery to me. I have no idea what I’m going to say next, and frankly, I don’t believe I said what I just said! That’s why people love me. That’s why I love myself. Some people say it’s a sign of being very, very smart and I agree with them. Not all of us can be wrong. That’s just who I am, not being wrong.

You call it an insurrection, I call it patriotism. If good citizens want to protest at the Capitol, that’s their right. So a few of them get pushy. Kids at rock concerts get pushy too. People at rock concerts die too. Are you going to charge everyone with treason?

Confiscating my administration’s information is stealing. The Democrats are thieves, pure and simple. There’s a website with Democratic family trees that shows their relatives were thieves also. That’s how it happens, through gene stuff, the stealing thing. They can’t be trusted with our money, or with our information. Does that answer your question?

Maybe this – here’s what I’ll do, Agnes … half of America thinks I’m the president. So I’ll give the Democrats half my papers. I have a lot of papers. I’ll give them half. It’s the art of the deal.