Hermione Luck / Chief Columnist
Mirror-mirror-on-the-wall, who’s the greatest of them all?
So now we officially enter the post-election era of FrankenTrump … after being banned for bad behavior from Twitter and Facebook, Donald Trump has created his very own social media platform called Truth Social, and he’s discovered how to raise money for his 2024 mouthpiece by SPAC-ing himself, a skill he learned from Stormy Daniels.
- What a surprise, don’t you think?
- Donald Trump coming back on social media?
- And from what they say, apparently he isn’t a good loser.
Here’s what’s in store for us – the man who was impeached and banished from the Washington tribe is quickly clawing his way back into the spotlight. And he’s doing it with two politically-charged words – truth and social. Truth Social … as in I’ll protect you from socialism. All this while attempting to create a platform from which his rabid followers can feed, as he simultaneously trolls for fence-sitters, suburbanites, and marginal Democrats. Republicans are far better at politics.
Here’s a possible historical truth we might want to consider. This division in our country has been festering since we achieved our sacred independence from England. When Americans no longer had a common enemy in the British, it didn’t take long for the enemy to become ourselves … and I think we’ve never gotten over that. Essentially, as long as America has existed, there’s been a lot of people who have nothing, eternally pissed off at a lot of people who have something.
Add slavery to that, and you have a mess.
In fact, in a country that professes to respect history yet doesn’t like to teach it, the truth is that after the Declaration of Independence, life in America was no Horatio Alger story. Even omitting the indelible stain of slavery, Americans were massively divided by economic class – the preponderance of the hoi polloi could barely keep their heads above water, while the landed continued to accumulate more property and wealth.
With the voting enfranchisement of democracy as a tailwind, the two economic classes and their votes were eventually absorbed by political parties. One party protected the people who had nothing, the other party protected the people who had something. Now, in the Bush-Obama-Trump-Biden era, politics have taken another major step, morphing into religions. Each political party believes the other party is morally wrong.
Unfortunately, Truth Social or some form of it, is about to make that division wider with a holy war of Fake News, false votes, and despicable Democrats. I’d like to take a shot at going on record to predict the top five stories that will be reported in 2022 by this future bastion of right-wing veracity –
- President Trump Claims Pence Came Onto Him
- President Falls, Hits Head, and Has Amnesia Before Court Appearance
- Have You Ever Really Seen Liz Cheney and Dick Cheney in the Same Room?
- Hillary Clinton Went All The Way With Her Gerbil
- Melania Trump Signs Sworn Statement that Her Sole Ownership of Trump Tower Has Nothing to do with Keeping Secrets
Good luck, America.
December 1, 2021
Reporter Agnes Killjoy
Mr. Trump, you have recently weighed in positively on the mass resignations of police and firemen who refuse to get vaccinated. To clear up any misunderstandings, you’ve been severely critical of police in the past, especially the Washington D.C. police who you called a bunch of wimps. Can you clarify exactly where you stand on the police?
The Mar-A-Lago Response
Trump: First of all, I didn’t call the entire D.C. police force a bunch of wimps, only the ones who went to the Capitol, and I called those guys a bunch of homosexuals, and for good reason. You’re Agnes Killjoy, you worked at Pox once.
Killjoy: Yes, I did, I was an intern in the Pox News division.
Trump: Agnes … you’re the one who called me the bubble boy, right? They tell me that’s you. We’ll discuss that later with my friends from The Ultimate World Order. As far as the Washington D.C. police force is concerned, Agnes … you guys bother me, you reporters … people like you Agnes, you’re nobodies reporting about somebodies, and since you’ll always be a nobody, you need to take down a somebody … I don’t think any of you had mothers, I really don’t.
As far as the Washington D.C. police force is concerned, have you allowed yourself to see that website that shows police in dresses practicing flopping as a crowd control device? Ya gotta see this, it’s pathetic. Losers, all of them, losers. Flopping like that’s going to control anything. They were doing the same thing on January 6th at The Great Freedom Rally, except it was all those Washington A.C.D.C. losers.
Killjoy: By Freedom Rally, do you mean The Insurrection, sir?
Trump: No, I mean The Great Freedom Rally. That’s how history will record that day. Are you blind or something? Didn’t you watch it for yourself? All those cops flopping? Where are you from, Agnes – are you part of that Sunday morning clown show Meet The Communists?
Look, as far as the police are concerned, I love the ones who voted for me. The ones who didn’t vote for me, not so much, they’re losers. I’m not the kind of President who represents losers. That’s just stupid, and believe me, I have college board scores you can’t see to prove I’m not stupid.
And besides, isn’t the only way we’re going to beat the Obama Virus is with herd immunity? Right, herd immunity? So why not let all the cops and firemen go out and get all of us to this herd immunity? Get the community a little sick, people get better, they have their antibodies, they go back to work. What’s the big deal?
The Lemonade Stand
Polly Peepers / family advice December 1, 2021
Hoping For The Best
I love your column and share it monthly with my girlfriends. We love that you’re not afraid to speak your mind, and that your advice is always so sensible, even if sometimes it’s outside the box. Well, Polly, I am beginning to feel boxed … and it’s something I can’t share with the girls.
Oftentimes, the girls and I talk about what is a successful relationship? Each of us understands that we have it better than most, yet there is, I must admit, somewhat of an undercurrent of competition as to which marriage is successful and which marriage is not. My minister tells me this is normal, and not to pay attention.
Here’s my problem – I guess I just feel like a liar.
My husband and I argue way more than I let on. And every time the girls talk about successful relationships, I find myself not willing to share what really goes on between the two of us. He’s a good man, he treats me well, but we’re really so different, in the Mars and Venus kind of way. My minister tells me, “… at least he lets you argue with him.” I don’t know, is that really a privilege? I’m beginning to think my minister is a chauvinist, which is why I’m coming to you.
- What is the secret? How do my husband and I deal with all of the arguments?
- How can I contribute to making this a successful relationship?
- It’s really important to me.
Hoping for the Best, Peachwood, Kansas
Dear Hoping for the Best,
The best way I can answer your question is to send along a rarely seen video from friends of mine. He is a Greek Orthodox priest, and she forgives him.
Look, I’m a guy, and I don’t normally do this kind of thing, like write and ask for advice. I admit it’s easier than doing it in person, but still, I’m just not that way. Unfortunately, as it turns out, I’m desperate, and the cashier at the University who really understands me has suggested I write to you.
I am divorced and a co-parent of two girls with my first wife. I married again and my second wife who also had a child from a previous marriage, wanted a thousand more children, and unfortunately, I didn’t ask her about that particular subject before we got married. We parted ways when she decided she didn’t appreciate my full-body condom, and she went off and signed up at a sperm bank to have someone else’s kid. I took that as a sign that this relationship wasn’t as long term as I’d hoped.
Anyway, I’ve got these two girls from my first marriage, and their mother has decided to leave town. Not really move out of the county, mind you, but sort of far enough away not to be involved. Her lawyer claims she did her part, giving birth, and that she has HypoDistancia, a disease that apparently allows you to let everyone else take care of your bills.
Polly – I hate writing this stuff about myself. But tell me, I have these girls who need a functional mother. I mean pretty soon they’re going to have you know, that time of the month. And I don’t have siblings to fill in, or the money to hire a Mrs. Doubtfire. I just want to be a good dad. We only have one bathroom.
In Deep Sh*t, Anacortes, Washington
Dear In Deep Sh*t,
There is no existential shovel large enough to make this easy. Let’s begin with what not to do. I wouldn’t advise the desperate path of beating the bushes for a new relationship just to have a role model for your girls. It’s a temptation, I know, but don’t panic. First lick your wounds from your most recent marriage, and then figure out what you’ve learned from the experience. Like proposing to someone you think you know, but not really. I think there’s room for growth there.
You underestimate yourself. Most men do when it comes to nurturing. In fact, I would venture to say you have far more going for you than you might imagine. Young girls want to please the opposite sex considerably more than they want to please the same sex. They are not in competition with you as much as they might be with a mother-figure. In fact, I would suggest to keep your ‘I don’t know what I’m doing’ single father card in your back pocket. It’s your ace.
- Ask your girls to help you raise them. Ask for their advice.
- Be honest with them as to your fears and vulnerability.
- It works well in dating, and equally well in parenting.
- And rather than seeking out advice from female friends as to what to do,
- seek out advice from single fathers, share their successes and their mistakes.
I guarantee you this – by being honest with yourself and with your girls, they will grow up to love you for the effort you’ve put in, and if necessary, forgive you for the mistakes you have made.
Believing in yourself as a parent is believing in them as your children, and no parent can do more.