Baked News / May 8, 2020

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May 8, 2020


White House Briefing

Correspondent Agnes Killjoy

Mr. President, Ronald Reagan was once quoted as saying, “The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: ‘I’m from the Government, and I’m here to help.’”

You are a proponent of small government, sir. Yet, are the challenges posed by a pandemic too large of a problem for state governments to solve? Unlike the Federal Government, they cannot print their own money to escape their financial distress.

Is there indeed a problem, if not a number of problems, that can only be solved by the leadership, vision, and funding of the Federal Government?

The Trump Response 

Look, I like big, o.k.? I’ve always liked big even if one is bigger than the other. But when it comes to government, less is more. That’s right, less is more, way way more, in so many ways which has nothing to do with my hands.

When it comes to socialism, let’s face it, it’s a huge mess. Huge. And another thing that’s big is all that fake news from those countries like Sweden, Norway, and the one with the dike people – they’re not happy, I can guarantee you that.

It’s sad really. So what if they can get a free education and free medical – can they afford a Cadillac? Do they eat at good restaurants or do they have to eat fish all day? I mean, there’s so much that people don’t know. Not me, but there’s so many people who don’t know a lot. Actually, I love that about them.

Someone once said about communism, which by the way is the same thing as socialism – the scholars are wrong about that – someone said, what everyone understands in communist countries is the adage

“We’ll pretend to pay you, if you pretend to work.”

  • I wish I had come up with that.
  • I probably did, but just don’t remember that I did.
  • I’ve come up with so many things I don’t remember.

At one time or another, I’ve probably come up with just about everything there is to come up with. Sometimes it’s a burden having the kind of I.Q. that I have. Someone once told me I needed to get my head weighed. I wonder how they do that?

The Federal Government can only do so much. The states need to pony up, or maybe all the guys who claim they have more money than I do can pony up. Let Buffett and Gates and Bezos bail out everyone if they’re so upset.

I agree with Jared – stop all the whining – we’ve done enough because we say so. Who are you going to believe, me or the media?