Baked News / May 29,2020

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May 29, 2020


White House Briefing

Correspondent Agnes Killjoy

Mr. President, you constantly refer to the media as being fake news. My first question is have you yourself ever participated in spreading fake news? You never reveal your sources, but rather prefer to use the phrase ‘they say.’ Just exactly who are ‘they’? Secondly, isn’t POX NEWS an arm of the media just like CNN? And do the media commentators on POX, such as Sean Vanity and Lou Crabs, merely serve as presidential sycophants to promote your agenda?

The Trump Response

Sycophant. You like big words, don’t you? You’re trying to impress me aren’t you? Well, stop right there … I’m the only one who can impress me. That is all you have to know. My sources? You’re asking me for my sources? That’s a bit of a, that’s, what can I say? That’s a ballsy question isn’t it?

Who is ‘they’ you ask – I go where so much of the rest of America goes for their information. Every morning after Pox and Friends, I read The National Enquirer who do a great job by the way, and then I go to that secret chat room that’s so popular – The White is Right and Vice-Versa Room.

They come up with things no one else ever thought of. Fabulous people, concerned people for the welfare of America – she’s beautiful isn’t she, America? Then I put all that truth right up here (points to head) where the sun don’t shine.

I memorize everything. I memorize menus. I really like menus. You could say I’m drawn to them, but I don’t use crayons, those are kids menus. Menus and the addresses of people who piss me off … they’re etched in my mind.

As far as Sean Vanity and Lou Crabs go, they are well-respected journalists who have won things like the coveted You Can’t Be Serious Award so many times, so many times I forget.

I don’t remember awards unless I get them myself, but Sean and Lou are the real deal. Those aren’t tattoos on my butt – those are their real lip prints. Sean and Lou know the territory. Some people think it should become the fifty-first state.