Baked News / May 22, 2020

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May 22, 2020


White House Pox News Briefing Session

Mr. President, Lou Crabs here from Pox News – you’ve convincingly compared yourself to Abraham Lincoln a number of times, including how you’ve been treated by the media and how you would do in a head-to-head ratings contest. Can you tell us what it might be like if the two of you met?

The Trump Response 

Lou, think about it … don’t hurt yourself, but think about it.

Lincoln and I could have been brothers, not in the black people way, but in a more, how can I say this without getting crucified – in a more Christian way. I’m pretty sure we have a lot in common. Neither of us really enjoys going to plays, that’s one thing. For another, few people know that Lincoln had orange body hair. That’s right, really really orange, all over except his head. And we’re both to-die-for family men.

Each of us dreams about our daughters a lot, a real lot, which is weird for Lincoln because he didn’t have a daughter. All boys. Now that I think of it, what’s with that? We have a few differences – he got depressed a lot and looking at his wife, no wonder. How’d you like to wake up to that every morning?

Me, I don’t have time to get depressed with my full t.v. schedule and all, but boy do I miss the good ole’ days, especially The Dean Martin Show, where he pretends to be high all the time. And all those beautiful women. Who cares about the brains part?

You ask about me and Honest Abe going head-to-head? I know I’d have some definite make-up tips to suggest to him even if we were on the opposite side, but we’d kill on t.v.. Boy, the two of us on national television, probably every station. That would be, those would be some big beautiful ratings, better than wrestling I bet.

You don’t get those kinds of ratings by just walking onstage. There’s a lotta prep, a lotta prep – naptime, a push-up, KFC, a lot more than you think, those things to get ready.

And there’s so much I could teach him – like walls. I don’t think he gets it, the wall idea. A wall could have saved so many lives back then in what was it, the Civil War right? A pretty big war, that one, the Civil War. That’s what they tell me.

Together, I’m very certain – I love to be very certain and I’m good at it – I’m very certain that our show would make everyone feel better. We’d bring back those important times, those good times every misses.

There were good times back then too, right? Except for the bullet part. So I think a meeting between two of the greatest presidents of all time, not including Putin, would be drop down best t.v. ever … and besides, who needs him alive? They can do that right? I think it’s called a hello-gram. I know it’s not a candy gram. I knew a girl once named Candy Graham. She was very nice to me.

  • Where do I sign? Abe and me? No one would touch us.
  • We could call it Trump and Friend.