Baked News / August 1, 2020

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August 1, 2020


White House Briefings

Correspondent Agnes Killjoy

Mr. President, you say that the reason we have so many cases of Covid-19 is because we are testing more. Sir, my question is this – if we didn’t test anyone, what would that mean? Would the disease go away?

The Trump Response

I’m glad you asked me that. You’re new here, aren’t you? Get ready for a beautiful answer. Testing is just not as important as it used to be. Most tests are rigged in the first place so that’s one thing. Except the Cogitive Test, the one I recently took which showed that no president has been more cogitive than I am, that’s not rigged … I aced it.

I admit the first question – Are you here? – isn’t that difficult, but the last question was a bear. It’s not that easy to draw one.

All I know is this – testing for Covid is not the answer. In fact, people tell me that it’s very possible some of the tests are contagious. People go in feeling fine, they take the test, and then two days later they’re sick. What gives? What’s with that?            

… Next question.

Correspondent Agnes Killjoy

The White House Press Secretary has told us that you have absolutely no animosity concerning Dr. Anthony Fauci, the country’s top epidemiologist. Although the Press Secretary’s pants were on fire at the time, can you corroborate that? And if so, why is Dr. Fauci’s office now on a Filopino island?

The Trump Response

First of all, it’s a gorgeous set-up, like Vegas or something … it’s all class, I insisted on that. He’s got cable, there’s a Wendy’s, he’s got ‘room service’ if you know what I mean, the man could want for nothing. That said, I think this whole thing has become overblown, it’s all fake news … what’s-his-name and I are on excellent terms.                               

Really, I like short people. And Jews. He’s Jewish, right? Some of my best former friends are Jews. I love them and they love me. And I don’t mind if he’s as intelligent as I am, it doesn’t threaten me one bit. I’ve been there before, I can handle the heat as long as it doesn’t get near my hair – that could go nuclear.

Besides, I’ve seen the director’s I.Q. test – I made Barr give him one. I’m good … the guy who takes my test has him beat. Next question.

Correspondent Killjoy

Please comment on your recent pardon of Roger Stone, your longtime political advisor who admitted under oath that he was lying to a grand jury. Some people have raised concern that you are abusing your power as President. What do you say to that? And what do you say to the people who think this is only the first of many questionable pardons to come?

The Trump Response

Did anyone ever tell you, you look like a monkey? I mean you’re white so I can say that, right? It isn’t racist because you know, you were born here.

Lying is relative. My father taught me that profit is the proof of truth – I’ll never forget when he told me that … I think he was spanking me at the time. In real estate, what one person might call ‘lying’, another might call a negotiating tactic. I think Roger was simply negotiating.

If you ask me, Roger is a victim of those sunglasses he wears. He can’t see crapola. That’s why I fired him. The guy could never see far ahead enough to get a good parking space. But he’s a good soldier, and I like uniforms, I really do. Why can’t civilians have more uniforms like that guy we have who does the health stuff and is called an admiral? How did that happen? An admiral, good for him.

As far as pardoning goes, don’t rule out anything. What I want to know is can you pardon someone before they are charged? That would help a lot. Especially if there’s, you know some kind of fake news investigation of my taxes.