Baked News / April 3, 2020

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April 3, 2020


How long does coronavirus stay “alive” on surfaces?

Up to three days, depending on the surface. According to a study funded by the U.S. National Institute of Health. The virus is viable up to 72 hours after being placed on stainless steel or plastic. It’s viable up to four hours on copper, and up to 24 hours after being put on cardboard. In aerosols, it remains viable for three hours.              

The Trump Response

Many people have asked me if the coronavirus can stay alive on my comb over. That’s a very good question, and one we all must take seriously.

Let’s face it, if I go down, the whole world goes down. You’d be stuck with Iron-Underwear Mike the Evangelist or gobble-gobble Mitch McConnell. Even worse, you could wind up with Nancy Pelosi who I am told by Pox and Friends sleeps in a coffin. Have you ever noticed the set of eye teeth on that woman?

As far as touching goes, touching is a beautiful thing, a very beautiful thing. My advice to American citizens is touch whatever you want, wherever you want, and whenever it makes you happy.

You don’t have to be famous like me – and believe me, I’m so famous, incredibly so – you don’t have to be famous like me to go around touching things that don’t belong to you.  The world belongs to everyone, everyone … but especially to me.              

If people can spread the virus without showing any symptoms, how can I tell who’s infected and who’s not?

“You can’t”, said Dr. James Phillips, chief of disaster and operational medicine at George Washington University Hospital. “We need to start treating every person as though they have this.”

“And everyone needs to treat us like we have it, and socially distance ourselves in that manner. Because until we have testing, we don’t know who has this. And we’re not sure when they start spreading it.”

That’s why it’s so critical to avoid crowds, stay at least six feet away from others, wash or disinfect your hands, and stop touching your face.

The Trump Response

Knowing who is infected is for fools. I want to get back to the touching thing. This whole not touching your face is cuckoo. We all love touching our faces. More than that, if you ask me, we all love looking at our faces, am I right? 

As far as staying-six-feet-away-from-others, if you ask me, and believe me, people all over the world ask me a lot of things, all over the world.

Actually, it’s amazing the kind of stuff they ask me – is the world going in the crapper? Can I give them twenty bucks? Ivanka’s cup size. You can’t believe what they ask me. But as far as the staying-away-six-feet deal goes, it’s kind of harsh this whole six-feet-thing. Very harsh.

That’s why I don’t want to hear any more complaints about people standing close to me on the podium when we give national updates. I’m tired of the media being on my case for every little thing I do or say, or who I touch when they’re not looking.

In fact, pretty soon, just for the hell of it, I’m going  to order everyone on the podium to touch their face. Actually, maybe I’ll have them all touch my face. Maybe I’ll do that. That would be beautiful, so very beautiful. What a guy I am. People love me.

Besides, who are you going to listen to, some little Italian guy who is a doctor (I’m told he may be Jewish … Italian, Jewish – they all look alike. It’s like Koreans and the Japanese, who the hell knows?)   

Or are you going to listen to the leader of the free world?