Baked News / April 2020

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April, 2020


Question from reporter Agnes Killjoy

Walmart reports that there have been five phases  of panic-buying in their stores – hand sanitizers, then toilet paper, followed by spiral hams, baking yeast, and currently a run on hair dye. Would you care to comment on the issue of panic-buying?

The Pence Response

Vice President Mike Pence in a soft-spoken voice to the media – “I am here to tell you that no president has done more for the perception of good hair than this president. He could wear a hat, sure he could. But that’s not Donald Trump.

“I am proud to serve this man and will do so as long as it remains in my power to bend over and receive his blessing. I want to encourage the American people – there’s no need to panic. Heed your President. He wants the best for you. Think of it this way – what is the worst thing that can happen? You get the virus, you succumb to it, and you go to Heaven, a place where there is no rent, no lines, no blame, and no abortions.

“And as far as ‘panic-buying’ goes, let me assure you the president stands by his word – like he said for the world to hear, ‘I do give a crap about toilet paper’. And similar to the virus tests, I can assure you that we have more than enough toilet paper to go around, and plenty of gentle lubricant I may add.

“And what’s the harm having fun, going out and t’p’ing your neighbor’s house once and awhile? It takes the edge off of being celibate. You’re in good hands with our blessed leader, a leader for the ages, a leader with sterile hands, big hands.” The Vice-President bows his head to his staff’s applause. Only the health care officials remain on stage as the Vice-President leaves the podium.

Follow-up question / Ms. Killjoy

“Dr. Fauci – is it true that the President is dissatisfied with you at this point in the crisis?”

Dr. Anthony Fauci proceeds to the microphone

“He’s gone right? Both of them, they’re not here.  Pence and Trump? … You have no idea. Look, I want to tell all of you who have come to this briefing session, that I am being held against my will. I know you think this can’t happen in America, but it is happening right here in front of you, to me.

“The man in charge is a raving lunatic. Whatever I say into his left ear comes out the right ear like prime rib processed into baloney. Regarding this whole pandemic, all of us are far more over our heads than anyone could imagine. And from all that I can tell – this pandemic will not go away after just one round. Or a second round. I need to tell you that.

  • And if you don’t see me again
  • … follow the money.”