Baked News / April 17, 2020

Lemonade-Stand banner

Baked News block

April 17, 2020


Correspondent Agnes Killjoy

How does the coronavirus spread? 

What is the administration’s official position on how this disease has been spreading? Are we doing enough to protect ourselves, and where is the administration’s information coming from?

The Trump Response

To answer your question, at the White House we get almost all our information from Jared. Then, what Jared doesn’t know, Ivanka does. According to Jared, Barack Obama was the first person in the United States who had the virus. And he never should have been allowed to be President. Obama contracted the disease in Kenya. So many things start in Kenya.

I’m told that he and some wildlife spread the virus at the 2016 Democratic Convention. Did you see that convention? It was a mess that convention. Many many people I know, good people, red-blooded Americans, have determined that Democrats are the initial carriers of the disease.

These are facts, real facts, amazing facts and they’ve been corroborated by Steve Doocey at Pox and Friends. That’s a big word, corroborated. Big big word. I know a lot of big words. I don’t always use them, but yes, I know a lot of big words. And Steve Doocey is a very fine man. Very fine man. I’m sure there’s a big word to desribe him … I just don’t want to use it.

In fact, Steve proved in a Geraldo Special that the Obama virus is not the boogeyman that you in the Press Corps have made it out to be. He tested negative, very negative, beautifully negative, after risking his life by licking someone’s face who reportedly had the virus. The vicious rumor that this woman didn’t want her face licked is Fake News, very fake. It’s news, but it’s fake.

I can tell you this – Steve Doocey is not the kind of man who licks and tells, but in this case, he summoned the courage, a lot of courage, to go public with his critical research to the benefit of the world he lives in

… the world the virus-carrying Democrats live in. Remember, they’re the ones who paid to fly Obama to Kenya in the first place. The Democrats. Illegal bisexual Chinese Democrats who are voting illegally in our elections and are looking to take your house away.

How does someone safely take care of someone who’s sick?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: With the continued shortage of testing nationwide, it is difficult to know whether your loved one has coronavirus or another illness.  So it’s critical to play it safe and not infect yourself and, in turn, others. The CDC suggests:

  • Giving the sick person their own room to stay in, if possible. Keep the door closed. Having only one person serve as the caretaker.                 
  • Asking the sick person to wear a face mask, if they are able to. If the mask causes breathing difficulties, then the caretaker should wear a mask instead.

The Trump Response

Ya’ got me …

I’ve never taken care of someone else.