Baked News / April 10, 2020

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April 10, 2020


White House Briefing Question

Mr. President, you have pitted state governors against each other, equated the virus with the common flu, denied there are shortages in critical protective equipment, and refused to take early warning models seriously — leaving states, hospitals and medical staff unprotected and unprepared.

How would you rate your performance to date? Might there be anything you would do differently? 

The Trump Response

How would I rate my performance? How would you rate your question? That’s a nasty question, don’t you think? Would you ask your mother a question like that? It’s a very nasty question.                                                                                 

You understand I’m the President and you’re not. You understand that, right? Raise your hand if you understand that. I don’t see you raising your hand. Do you have a hand? No hand? Are you a cripple or something?

How would I rate my performance? I get beautiful overnight ratings if that’s what you’re asking – the best overnight ratings, higher ratings I’m told than Lincoln or Washington. Better ratings than you I’d bet.

So, my performance … I would give myself a ten. When you get better ratings than I do, get back to me and maybe I’ll give that more thought.

Is there anything I would do differently? Sure, there are plenty of things I’d do differently. Not let you in this room for one thing. I don’t like people like you. You remind me of Eddie Haskell. Do you know who Eddie Haskell is?

Look, this is like a thirty-five-hour-a-week job. Luckily, I can do that in half the time, so it doesn’t really cut into my morning shows, but I can tell you I don’t earn bupkis considering the hours I put in.

  • Do you know what bupkis means? I think it’s Hebrew … or Hawaiian. It’s definitely something with an ‘H’. It means goat turds. A pile of goat turds. A worthless pile of goat turds. You didn’t know that I speak two languages, did you? You people in the press, in the fake news business don’t know a lot of things about me, a lot of things.

I’m the most open and personable president in history and yet you don’t know squat about me. Squat, from the Latin. That’s three languages.