kRIS Krankle / guest columnist
founder of M.I.L.D.E.W.
Men with Intimacy and Learning Disorders Experiencing Women
Look, I either vote Republican or I write in my dog’s name. Democrats just annoy me, especially the elitist ones who went to Harvard, Yale, and Princeton and make believe their Porsches cost less than what I earn in five years. I’m more from the trenches where these kind of Democrats only visit to take a selfie.
I believe that people you vote for, need to do a nine to five to earn our respect, that as a nation we are special – we work more, we vacation less, we try harder, we’re wired to give a helping hand. But with all that said, whenever I go to confession, I find myself pissed … which isn’t a surprise after a lifetime being pissed.
Like I said, I work my ass off, I go to church on Sundays when I could be watching football on the tube, I do everything right to please other people mostly … and now when my kids are finally gone, and the mortgage is paid, and I haven’t had a heart attack yet, I find myself surrounded by stupid.
In the beginning, I thought to myself what is it with this whole pandemic thing where people don’t wear masks, especially so many of my fellow Republicans? I don’t get it? For one thing, there’s a lot of ugly people out there, don’t you think? My guess is that masks would help to alleviate that problem. And for some of them with bikini threads up their ass on the beach, I would think they’d wear tents.
And not getting vaccinated? These people not wearing masks and not getting vaccinated, these are my people – I know them, I know how they’ve struggled, I know how they feel left behind. Does anyone get itthat by dying from Covid, you can’t vote for Trump anymore?
The wife has me watching this Hulu series called Nine Perfect Strangers. First of all, what kind of network wants to call themselves Hulu? Give me a break.
At first, I thought it was going to be some kind of sissy channel, all chick flicks and make-up advice, the kind that should be called Wedgie or The Swirlie Channel. But there are a few cop shows with some rather good-looking women and gratuitous nudity, so I’m good.
And I gotta tell you, if you want to know the truth, I don’t get this ‘binging’ thing. People watch these episodes on Netflix, and Prime, and Hulu for like days in a row? They’re binging on what, hummus and Vodka? Tell me, what kinda job do they have where they can call in sick to watch t.v.? I want that job.
So this Nine Perfect Strangers has all these big movie stars like Nicole Kidman who in her role as a therapist seems like she’s just returned from Venus where they use varnish as a moisturizer. Apparently, the series is about really rich people seeking therapy in order to come to terms with the ghosts in their lives.
That’s what the wife underlined in her notes for me, the ghost thing. She writes all of these program notes before we watch our shows … it’s like homework.
- The quarantine changed everything. The wife and I now watch these cable movies every Friday night before bed. I’m not sure how all that happened? We’ve gone from ESPN to Hulu.
Nine Perfect Strangers is about if you have money and you’re willing to pay, you’re able to afford Tranquilium, a kind of Garden of Eden where people come to be healed. Apparently, there are a lot of people these days who need to be healed. I don’t know, in my book, it all seems like get a life. Apparently, that is the point of Tranquilium.
I never realized how much healing has changed … replacing communion and the collection plate, we now have CBD rubbed into your brain, retreats where people repeat over and over I love myself, and at Tranquilium you are given micro-doses of psilocybin in your morning breakfast.
And now that we’re halfway through the series, the wife says she wants us to do this micro-dosing as well, these off-ramps from reality as she calls it. I mean, does she remember who she married? I have no interest whatsoever. I’ve already been to Portland where the whole city is on psilocybin … look how that’s working out.
And to be honest, I’m not sure I want to explore any of these so-called ‘offramps’ …
I feel safer on the existential highway in my Buick which allows me to travel on cruise control. And let me tell you, no way the wife does this on her own. For me, it’s a bottom line kind of thing – I don’t want anyone to be checking out her bottom line.
I admit it, I’m not ashamed to say any of this. I don’t want some well-hung shaman to be administering drugs to my wife in some orgy-crazed sex lodge. Aren’t I doing enough? Are we forgetting movie night? And drying the dishes every third week? Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day?
I’m telling you, I’m doing it all.
I’ll tell you who needs to take some hallucinogens – the whole freaking Congress. I want Mitch McConnell to look in the mirror and see a turkey. And Lindsey Graham to see a weasel. And Ted Cruz to look in the mirror and see nothing.
So this Nine Perfect Strangers thing sure stretches my boundaries a bit and I’m doing the best I can even though Nicole Kidman’s Russian accent doesn’t work. It’s like Bill Clinton trying to pretend he’s from England or Christopher Walken trying to act as if he’s not an alien. But I watch because I want to do good by the wife.
I feel confident that we’ll solve this whole hallucinogenic brew haha. Although I am still trying to figure out what she means by saying our watching these chick series together prevents us from being perfect strangers.