Issue 8 / May 22, 2020

Lemonade-Stand banner

Polly Peepers / guest columnist family advice


Dear Polly, I’m no different than anyone else, Polly – this really sucks. And I’m not sure I can handle it any more …   I mean my boyfriend and I are cool. At least, so far we are. We’ve only been living together since New Year’s Eve – I guess I agreed to a lot of things that night.

So what do I do? How do I keep from going crazy, you know, if all this stay-in-place stuff goes on until the end of the month or something? What’s your advice – Stuck Without Tires, Chevy Chase, Maryland

Dear Stuck Without Tires, The first thing I can suggest to you is be prepared to put on your big-girl pants because this virus is not going away anytime soon. Life has changed for years. That’s what I would term the bigger picture.

Regarding the intermediate picture, living with your boyfriend is a very big step. If you haven’t dialed this in by now, all live-in relationships require a bevy of learn-on-the-job skills with no tried-and-true formula for success … you adapt as you go.

This is even more important in a pandemic quarantine where the challenges of personal chemistry and intimacy are heightened. Any successful relationship basically involves the exact same dance – doing your best to listen, developing the skill to be patient, not trying to change anyone, and remembering to have fun.

As for the shorter term, I think the most important thing to understand in these difficult times is the importance of organization and perspective. I’d like you to consider some basic guidelines that may be of help in place:

1. laziness – laziness can be a sign of depression – be on the lookout for not taking your clothes off for bed at night, showering in the morning with your clothes on, or eating out of cans. These are probably red flags. So is bringing the garbage container inside the house to eliminate making trips going outside.

2. indulgence – it’s so easy to lose our way or focus while we’re in-place. We are a culture that worships rewards, and when we find ourselves quarantined, it’s hard not to fall into a system where we reward ourselves for completing minimal acts, like showering … one note of concern – if you’re binge-watching the wall, pull back on the pot.

3. the scale – relocating your bathroom scale far under your bed is probably not a good idea. Remember, Hershey bars are not a source of protein and for best results, weigh yourself in the morning and not at night. 

4. naps – limit naps to no more than one per hour. If you’re sleeping more in the day than you are at night, you might consider thirty-six hours straight of binge-watching Game of Thrones before trying to sleep through the night again.

5. dating – if you’re in place with a partner, try a special ‘date night’ – dress up, put on make-up, and meet in the back yard. Of course, meeting in the backyard can offer a number of role-playing opportunities … like pretending you’re meeting for the first time.

6. chores – an interesting thing about doing chores in captivity is it’s no longer the wild, wild west of freedom and endless options. What will you do with your allotted space? Will you conquer it, or will it conquer you?

Completing chores is a definite component of good mental health. For depressed patients, clinicians commonly suggest making a list every morning and checking it off every night. Slam dunks like getting out of bed are allowed on the list. The prize is the sense of accomplishment. 

7. news – this is a tough one … do you really want to know everything? Though this may give you a sense of security and help you pass the time in place, the more likely outcome is that you become saturated, bloated, and burdened by it all. Live your own life, not the media’s.


… so, Stuck Without Tires, my advice remains simple –

first of all, in any relationship, in place or not, never go down the dead end of trying to change someone if there’s conflict. That’s a priori.

When you’re done with accepting this required premise, proceed with developing the skills of survival – once again, being patient, learning to listen, and remembering to have fun. Hopefully, your boyfriend wants to achieve these goals as well. Accept that any meaningful relationship in any circumstance is a challenge to keep open and fresh.

And while you’re at it, turn off your addiction to CNN and Me-Tube … it may be time for a cosmic timeout to reassess things on a number of levels.        – Polly


Baked News block

May 22, 2020


White House Pox News Briefing Session


Mr. President, Lou Crabs here from Pox News – you’ve convincingly compared yourself to Abraham Lincoln a number of times, including how you’ve been treated by the media and how you would do in a head-to-head ratings contest. Can you tell us what it might be like if the two of you met?

The Trump Response 


Lou, think about it … don’t hurt yourself, but think about it.

Lincoln and I could have been brothers, not in the black people way, but in a more, how can I say this without getting crucified – in a more Christian way. I’m pretty sure we have a lot in common. Neither of us really enjoys going to plays, that’s one thing. For another, few people know that Lincoln had orange body hair. That’s right, really really orange, all over except his head. And we’re both to-die-for family men.

Each of us dreams about our daughters a lot, a real lot, which is weird for Lincoln because he didn’t have a daughter. All boys. Now that I think of it, what’s with that? We have a few differences – he got depressed a lot and looking at his wife, no wonder. How’d you like to wake up to that every morning?

Me, I don’t have time to get depressed with my full t.v. schedule and all, but boy do I miss the good ole’ days, especially The Dean Martin Show, where he pretends to be high all the time. And all those beautiful women. Who cares about the brains part?

You ask about me and Honest Abe going head-to-head? I know I’d have some definite make-up tips to suggest to him even if we were on the opposite side, but we’d kill on t.v.. Boy, the two of us on national television, probably every station. That would be, those would be some big beautiful ratings, better than wrestling I bet.

You don’t get those kinds of ratings by just walking onstage. There’s a lotta prep, a lotta prep – naptime, a push-up, KFC, a lot more than you think, those things to get ready.

And there’s so much I could teach him – like walls. I don’t think he gets it, the wall idea. A wall could have saved so many lives back then in what was it, the Civil War right? A pretty big war, that one, the Civil War. That’s what they tell me.

Together, I’m very certain – I love to be very certain and I’m good at it – I’m very certain that our show would make everyone feel better. We’d bring back those important times, those good times every misses.

There were good times back then too, right? Except for the bullet part. So I think a meeting between two of the greatest presidents of all time, not including Putin, would be drop down best t.v. ever … and besides, who needs him alive? They can do that right? I think it’s called a hello-gram. I know it’s not a candy gram. I knew a girl once named Candy Graham. She was very nice to me.

  • Where do I sign? Abe and me? No one would touch us.
  • We could call it Trump and Friend.