Issue 6 / May 1, 2020

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Hermione Luck / Chief Columnist


What bothers me today is the day-care approach that Republican politicians use to foster allegiance with the conspiracy sect in their ranks. These politicians feed from the trough of easy votes by just diapering the problem and letting it stink.

Look, there will always be 25% of America in need of therapy or in the minds of some Democrats, a segment of America in need of lobotomies. Without conscience and at the altar of gerrymandering, Republicans have skillfully offered sanctuary to capture the allegiance of this voting block.

This solid 25%, many of whom have drenched themselves in far-flung conspiratorial rhetoric, can’t help themselves. They are livid because they are on the wrong side of the hourglass and they feel time has run out … on themselves, on their families, on their dreams. They are mostly undereducated white men who are faithful adherents of two of the more overlooked parts of the Cub Scout Honor Code – to be loyal and reverent. Loyal to their projectile paranoia, and reverent to their right to have equal access to wealth and power.                                                               

I think we’re in the middle of a slippery slope, my fellow Americans. From the country that still debates the JFK assassination, that still obsesses whether the moon landing took place in Burbank, a country that hasn’t fully decided if Obama was born in Hawaii or Kenya, we have people allowed to vote believing the following conspiracy theories –

… Bill Gates has put microchips in the Covid vaccine to control the minds of the entire world

… Lizard aliens can make themselves appear human and are manipulating the world which apparently explains why Elon Musk has antennas on his head

… the school killings at Parkland and Sandy Hook never happened, the Holocaust didn’t happen, and the government controls the weather

… Bin Laden lives. On orders from the government, Navy Seals covered up the failed attempt

… Covid masks make children easier to kidnap, and spreads the disease geometrically

… vaccines will change a person’s genetic code, and can cause impotence for men who think with their penises                                                                                     

Perhaps more disturbing is a possible insurrection from the far right with their blueprint directly in front of our eyes. In 1978, William Luther Pierce wrote a book called The Turner Diaries which outlined how ‘patriots’ could overthrow the government.

Among its suggestions? The book coined the phrase ‘the day of the rope’ where patriots would storm Congress, go after elites, after which journalists and members of Congress would be publicly hanged. Timothy McVeigh sold copies of this book at gun shows in the nineties.

So what can we do about all this? In the 1800’s, Native Americans on the plains dealt with violence within their culture in an interesting way. Anthropologists are fascinated by the fact that murder and violence within these tribes were virtually non-existent. Scholars attribute this to important roles being assigned to tribal deviants.

For instance, homosexuals became herbal doctors, thus balancing the power of the position with the tribal discomfort of their sexuality. For sociopaths (akin to our own skinhead conspiracists), the position of Contrary Soldier was created.  

These members of the tribe rode backwards into camp, said yes meaning no, and washed with sand and dried with water. The punishment for murder or violence within the tribe was banishment. Unfortunately, it isn’t likely that the Native American approach to preventing violence would work well in a country such as ours.

I guess that only leaves us with going back to the old days when life was simpler, and we could get what we needed at the corner market.

Practice safe friendship



Baked News block

May 1, 2020


White House Briefing / Agnes Killjoy


Mr. President, you have recently been quoted as saying there already exists a number of possible cures for the coronavirus. You’ve mentioned Lysol, sunlight, and chloroquine among the remedies for this pandemic.

There is also speculation that you are currently leaning to a new and possibly revolutionary solution to the problem. Can you expand on this subject?

The Trump Response


Let me tell you, I can expand on almost anything. I really can. I love to expand … in so many ways I can expand. You have no idea.

First of all, let’s deal with Lysol – look, I don’t like needles. Who wants to shoot themselves up, all those tiny holes? They say people can leak with a lot of holes … no one wants to leak.

But Lysol, how can you beat Lysol? It’s been around for like a hundred years, right Mike? (Vice-President Michael Pence nods and licks himself.)

And as for sunlight, like they say on television, orange is the new black, baby, the new black. That’s why colored people love me – I’m orange, they’re black, and some are brown, they’re all who knows what? It’s all a new political rainbow, and I’m their pot of gold.

Now chloroquine, have any of you tried it? I think I’d try something first before I say it doesn’t work. Why be so negative? The whole lot of you, really so negative. I don’t understand why there’s so much controversy about this when no one really knows anything. Fake news.

That’s where I come in – when no one really knows anything. I’m good at it. And the Democrats, if they don’t believe in chloroquine, why do they tell me to take it myself? To take a lot of it. I don’t get it?  

As for the new announcement, yes, I do have a new announcement. It’s a very very big announcement, a beautiful announcement. I haven’t cleared this yet. (Dr. Anthony Fauci winces) but who doesn’t love Jell-O? That’s right, think about it – all these people go into the hospital, right? And most of them come out pretty good, really good.

Their lungs, their lungs are fine, and I’m thinking to myself, what do all these people have in common besides both their lungs? I guess they also have two eyes, most of them. And two legs. Alright, almost all of them have a lot in common.

But they’ve all been served Jell-O and now they’re better. The ones who didn’t make it were too sick to eat Jell-O.

You see, sometimes it’s so very really simple. It doesn’t take a genius my friends, but if you need a genius, I can guarantee you that I come from good stock, very good stock … we’re all on board up here in the old noggin. (The President of the United States points to his head.) Maybe history will remember me for “Let them eat Jell-O” instead of wings.

  • That might become a famous statement someday… very famous. Any more questions? I give famous answers.

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