Issue 4 / April 17, 2020

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Polly Peepers / guest columnist

family therapist

Dear Polly – I will turn fifty-seven in October, and Polly, even though I feel terrible saying this, in some ways I’m done being a parent. And the pandemic has nothing to do with it … well, maybe. My second husband, Otto, who is related to neither of my children said to me recently, “When are you going to kick these bozo children of yours out of the house?”

That’s right, Polly, both of my sons are in their late thirties and they haven’t left home yet. I guess Otto is right – if I expect more, I’ll get more. They have newspaper routes, but that doesn’t seem to pay their bills. They always give us pictures of themselves from photo booths for Christmas. That seems sweet to me.

Polly, please help me. Is it too much to ask to have the house to ourselves? I’ve already accepted waking up to Otto every morning – isn’t that enough?

– Is it fair, Massachusetts

Dear Is It Fair – There is nothing I can tell you that will solve your problem. A sense of humor perhaps, that’s always a dependable refuge. Here are some of my favorite quotes from past readers about parenting their children –

(1) Where was the F.D.A.? Kids should come with label warnings that declare parenting can be hazardous to your health … Mark S, Van Nuys

(2) Children are gone today, here tomorrow – gone today when they’re asked to do chores, here tomorrow when they need a loan … Christine A, Coos Bay

(3) My forty-year-old totally capable adult child has lived at home since he was thirty – I’m so tired of him standing in front of the refrigerator scratching himself. It’s like losing at Old Maid … Lois K. Silver Springs

(4) No child asked to be born … Geraldo R. Gainesville

Is It Fair, the only real comment I can personally share with you is that you can’t eliminate the worry card in your parenting, but you can put limits on your giving … you still have to help clean up on Aisle Six, but you’re no longer the manager of the store – Polly

Dear Polly, Can you answer this question? How can we keep our family from arguing at the dinner table, especially on holidays? I just can’t stand it anymore. My Uncle Don and my Grandpa argue about the same old things and by the time we get to dessert everyone wants to hide in the car.

Grandpa, the engineer, always begins with “What is Art anyway?” Everyone then usually rolls their eyes and realizes we’re all stuck again.  I don’t know Polly, am I supposed to know what Art is? Do you know what Art is? Grandpa thinks it’s all crap and Uncle Don thinks Grandpa is all crap.

This discussion then leads to arguing about what matters in life. Uncle Don is a sixty-year-old bachelor and feels like Grandpa is always implying that anybody who doesn’t have children is worthless. Uncle Don is gay, but he hasn’t told us yet. I’ve decided to become a vegetarian (except for pizzas with pepperoni). Then maybe next holiday, they’ll put me at the vegetarian table with Aunt Lucy and Uncle Burt who fart a lot. With everything going on at the red meat table, what’s a thirteen-year-old girl to do?

– Tired of The Arguing / Malverne, NY 

Dear Tired of the Arguing, First of all, keep Grandpa away from the booze and start feeding him as soon as he steps in the door. Put on music from his generation. Try the Beatles. Do your best to either to fill him with food or to confuse him by asking how much money you owe him.  

If all of that doesn’t work and he begins to really get out of line, interrupt and make a toast to him – make it a very long toast. He’ll soon forget about needing to embarrass Uncle Don.  – Polly


Baked News block

April 17, 2020


How does the coronavirus spread? Correspondent Agnes Killjoy  

What is the administration’s official position on how this disease has been spreading? Are we doing enough to protect ourselves, and where is the administration’s information coming from?

The Trump Response

To answer your question, at the White House we get almost all our information from Jared. Then, what Jared doesn’t know, Ivanka does. According to Jared, Barack Obama was the first person in the United States who had the virus. And he never should have been allowed to be President. Obama contracted the disease in Kenya. So many things start in Kenya.

I’m told that he and some wildlife spread the virus at the 2016 Democratic Convention. Did you see that convention? It was a mess that convention. Many many people I know, good people, red-blooded Americans, have determined that Democrats are the initial carriers of the disease.

These are facts, real facts, amazing facts and they’ve been corroborated by Steve Doocey at Pox and Friends. That’s a big word, corroborated. Big big word. I know a lot of big words. I don’t always use them, but yes, I know a lot of big words. And Steve Doocey is a very fine man. Very fine man. I’m sure there’s a big word to desribe him … I just don’t want to use it.

In fact, Steve proved in a Geraldo Special that the Obama virus is not the boogeyman that you in the Press Corps have made it out to be. He tested negative, very negative, beautifully negative, after risking his life by licking someone’s face who reportedly had the virus. The vicious rumor that this woman didn’t want her face licked is Fake News, very fake. It’s news, but it’s fake.

I can tell you this – Steve Doocey is not the kind of man who licks and tells, but in this case, he summoned the courage, a lot of courage, to go public with his critical research to the benefit of the world he lives in

… the world the virus-carrying Democrats live in. Remember, they’re the ones who paid to fly Obama to Kenya in the first place. The Democrats. Illegal bisexual Chinese Democrats who are voting illegally in our elections and are looking to take your house away.

How does someone safely take care of someone who’s sick?

Dr. Anthony Fauci: With the continued shortage of testing nationwide, it is difficult to know whether your loved one has coronavirus or another illness.  So it’s critical to play it safe and not infect yourself and, in turn, others. The CDC suggests:

  • Giving the sick person their own room to stay in, if possible. Keep the door closed. Having only one person serve as the caretaker.                 
  • Asking the sick person to wear a face mask, if they are able to. If the mask causes breathing difficulties, then the caretaker should wear a mask instead.

The Trump Response

Ya’ got me …

I’ve never taken care of someone else.

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