Issue 11, Labor Day 2020

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A debate we’d like to see

Donald Trump vs. Kamala Harris


Moderator – Tonight, Mr. President, it is your turn to answer our three questions, and Senator Harris, it is your turn to offer a one-minute rebuttal to each of his three answers. I will proceed with the first question.

Mr. President, what do you believe are your greatest achievements of the past four years?

Donald Trump – I’m surprised you don’t know them … I don’t think there’s any question that as President of the United States and may I say we’re more united than ever, it just doesn’t look that way … I’ve presided over the four most beautiful years, in spite of what Phony Kamala says, in the history of our nation, in the history of the world even … no one before has ever done what I’ve done to this country.

Look at the stock market – it’s going up even though people say the virus is going up too. Who are you going to invest in – me and the stock market, or the virus and Fauci? That’s a no-brainer. And besides, brains are overrated.

Really, who can blame me for the virus? Was I supposed to see that coming? I mean I’m good and all, but really, I get no Kennedy, I get no Kennedy.

Kennedy got all this applause for recruiting the best and the brightest, but I get all this grief for recruiting the best and the whitest – look at my cabinet. Bill Barr, there’s never been an Attorney General with more to gain.

Betsey DeVos – education will never be the same if we can keep her doing what she’s doing … and the postmaster general, love my generals, he’s more on the ball than anyone really thinks … and look what I’ve done to the Supreme Court.

I agree with Kavanaugh – a woman should have the right to booze. I’m all for it, but if you get knocked up, don’t blame the other guy.

  • Moderator – Your time is up Mr. President.           
  • Senator Harris, your response. You have one minute.

Kamala Harris – You’re right about one thing you just said, Mr. President – no one’s ever done what you’ve done to this country. Who are we kidding? The self-congratulation, the bloated ego? You’re just a simple trust fund baby who’s trying his best to make the world his personal piggy bank.

You’re a power-monger who loves and cultivates sycophants like Barr and DeVos who want to be on the gravy train. All three of you have less in common with the rest of America than anyone in this room or anyone in sight.

And for the record, we have two viruses to battle in America – one is biological, and the other is political. If you actually can punch into that self-proclaimed genius of yours, connect the dots. You, Barr, and Devos have acted like the three stooges, and the American people are the ones with pie in the face.   

Let me set the record straight – you have reigned not presided, Mr. President. You have insulted our intelligence and subverted our confidence. You have chosen to tear down, with no idea how to build up.

You have embarrassed us in front of the rest of the world. Your total lack of humility reveals an obvious absence of self-esteem … that is your legacy, Mr. President, and it is far from a notable achievement.


Moderator – Mr. President, there’s been talk of creating a national monument to be called Mt. Trumpmore located in a state that voted for you in 2016. Is that something in which you have interest?

Donald Trump – I don’t know, how long do you have to sit for something like that? Sure, I’ve heard that same groundswell about Trumpmore, I have no idea who started that at my address, I wasn’t there that day, I was on the golf course.

Branding has always come naturally to me. Someone suggested that I put a replica of my head on the top of Trump Tower. I looked into it, but it made me look like I had skinny legs …

No, I have no real opinion of whether they should do a Mt. Trumpmore, except that it would be a wonderful thing for America.               


Moderator Senator Harris, your response.

Kamala Harris : You gottta be kidding me … is your sense of yourself so fragile, so needy, that you need your face on the side of a mountain in order to confirm your existence? And who’s gonna pay for this, Mexico?

Mt. Trumpmore – what a great way to spend America’s hard-earned tax dollars and to lift up our spirits. A face on the side of a mountain reminding us of you.


Moderator You have stated that Senator Harris may or may not be qualified to be Vice-President because she isn’t legally an American resident. Would you please elaborate on this.

Donald Trump – I don’t know, can Kamala Harris – how do you say that name? Foreign names are hard for me … I read somewhere that she was born in like commie China and they shipped her overnight, Fed Ex probably, to some homeless shelter in California and she claims she was born there.

A lot of people tell me that. A lot, a very lot. Supposedly, and don’t quote me on this unless you want to, but her parents were operating an illegal child adoption ring out of a pizza parlor and got stuck with adopting her themselves … that’s from QAnon, good people.


Moderator – Senator Harris, your response,

Senator Harris – How dare you? First of all, it just amazes me that people allow you to bully them. Why do you need to do that? No really, why do you need to do that? Calling people derogatory names, using other people’s horrible lies so you can wiggle out of your own lies.

The world is not about a fourth-grade bully in charge of the playground. Times are about to change Mr. President – the playground is taking over. People have had enough … you better get used to being called a loser, because there’s no way in hell you’re gonna be reelected.


Moderator – Final statements, Mr. President.

Donald Trump – Look at me, do I look like someone you can’t trust? I have money, a hot daughter, we’ve stacked the Supreme Court so we can contest any election that has been stolen, and think about it, who could be better at making America great than me?     

  • I do ‘great’ really, really well.                                         
  • I’m the only one who can make America great again.
  • Don’t we want things like they always were –                   
  • no harm, no foul? What’s wrong with that?

And we don’t need some person whose name I can’t pronounce to be part of a socialist conspiracy to ruin what we’ve all inherited from our parents. Trust me. I’m the only one who can make it like it used to be and that’s what we all want. I know I do, and I’ll fight like hell to get you whatever is left over.


Moderator – Senator Harris, your final statement.

Kamala Harris – I want to thank you Mr. President for making clear that the Civil War has never been over … your presidency has made that obvious. You’ve been able by your narcissism and striking indifference to humanity to bring things into much better focus for the rest of us.

We Americans are, and have been for a long time, at war with ourselves. You have brought the bigotry and the injustice that we inflict on one another out of the shadows.

I thank you Mr. President, you have done your job – exposing bigotry, but now, it’s time for someone to actually heal us, and you have neither the intellect nor the compassion to do that.

Move over, Mr. President … play more golf, teach your grandchildren to be just like you – it’s time for someone new to lead our country, someone to give us what we need, not what you need

  • … it’s time to vote for change, America.
  • Before we can be a country that is truly great,
  • we have to be a country that is truly fair.
  • Thank you all for watching tonight.